Unrequited

Chapter 26

"Liv let me explain."

Elliot's eyes plead with her for understanding as he approaches.  He reaches out to touch her arms and she backs away from his grasp.  His touch is something she craves more often than not, but in this moment it's what she wants the least.  If he touches her, she will cave. 
The feeling of his skin against hers will melt the armor she's built up and she can't do that right now.  She deserves answers.
Elliot fidgets nervously at her defensive stance.  "I didn't say anything about the trip because nothing was certain yet, I just came from--"
"Maureen is packing your bag Elliot," Olivia angrily interrupts.  "Don't tell me you aren't sure."
He lets out a frustrated sigh, squeezing his eyes shut. "Maur didn't know.  She must've gotten a mixed up message from Kathleen and--"
"Why. Didn't. You. Tell. Me?" The words are curt and punctuated.  The details aren't necessary. She's not interested in the backstory.  She only wants to know why.  After everything they've been through the last couple of months and everything they have been trying to rebuild would he leave for who knows how long and not give her a heads up.  She needs to prepare.  She needs to prepare to get used to his absence...... again.  To not have him at her apartment when she gets home from a long night at work or talk to him everyday.  Dammit, she had gotten used to having him around again just for him to disappear and not give her time to adjust.
Elliot moves closer but stops just short of touching her.  "I told you why.  I didn't want to upset you if I wasn't actually going to leave."
"What?" She pulls back and Elliot winces.  Her tone is louder than she intends considering their children are in the other room but she can't rein herself in.
"Upset me? I'm not a child.  You want to talk to me about not treating this like a real relationship but you get orders to go out of town and don't even mention it.  How long have you known that it was even a possibility?"
His defeated posture as his head hangs down limply between his shoulders tells her everything she needs to know.
Olivia huffs, willing the tears that are building not to fall.  Same ole Elliot.  Not communicating, wanting to know everything and saying nothing. Demanding she let him into every facet of her life but not willing to do the same.  "So that long hunh? Wow."
Turning his back, he walks away from her and begins pacing in front of the door.  The separation gives her the opportunity to reel in some of her anger.  She watches him closely for some hint of what's going through his head.  His adam's apple bobs up and down his throat, his shoulders stiff.  This was the Elliot she remembered when they were partners.  This is what he looked like when he was struggling with something that he couldn't or wouldn't articulate and the fear hits her immediately.  Is there something else he isn't telling her?
Olivia takes a deep breath, trying again to calm herself.  "What's going on? Talk to me."
"I'm trying to talk to you," his head snaps up immediately.  "I'm trying to tell you where I'm coming from and you won't listen."
"I-"
"No Liv, do you really think I would do that?" he asks, his eyes narrowing as he studies her.  "Do you really think I would just up and leave you and not say anything?"
Elliot's eyes meet hers and there's a mix of pain and disappointment.  His dark irises begin to pierce her hardened shell and she just wants to hug him and tell him that maybe she's overreacting with everything. That the closer they get the more she's knocked off her her axis and she just doesn't know how to recover from the fear that someday he will leave again...just like everyone else.
"Wow," he responds shaking his head back and forth in disbelief.
She's confused for a second until she realizes that she never actually answered his question.
"After everything we've been through, you still think I'm capable of that," he states rather than asks.  A bitter huff leaves his lips and he turns away from her again.
"Elliot--."  It's all she can manage to get out.  The words just won't come out the way she needs them to and she can't have this conversation when she's still caught off guard by the fact that he may have to leave.
He watches her expectantly waiting on her to defend herself but she reverses course instead.  "When do you find out if you have to leave?"
"I just found out," he says stoically, eyes trained on the arm of his sofa right next to her.  "I leave Monday morning."
The air leaves her lungs and her face becomes warm with anger.  She clears her throat trying to rid herself of any emotion.  "How long will you be gone?"
"A month.  Maybe two."
Her teeth sink into her bottom lip as she struggles not to say anything that's going to make this situation any worse.  "Unbelievable."
"I was hoping we could spend some time together before I leave."  His voice cracks slightly and while a part of her is weak the other part wants to lash out. 
"Yeah whatever," she rolls her eyes gathering her purse.
Elliot takes her arm.   "Don't go. Please.  I swear I was going to tell you.  Don't ruin the time we have left being mad at me."
"Ruin it?" She fires back angrily.  "You can't blame me for being pissed of that you didn't tell me you were leaving after you just accused me of holding back on our relationship. You're being a hypocrite."
A shuffling noise in the hall grabs their attention and they both turn to see a sheepish looking Maureen standing outside of the bedroom door.  "Hey I don't mean to interrupt whatever is going on here but you guys are getting pretty loud."  She gestures her head towards the door reminding them of Noah's presence.  Olivia sighs and nods her head in understanding.  She was so wrapped up in fighting with Elliot she had forgotten they weren't alone.  This is not something she wants Noah to hear. 
"Sorry," he says to Maureen who disappears into the room and shuts the door.
"You're right Olivia.  You're absolutely right."  Taking the seat next to where she stands near the sofa, he holds her hand encouraging her to sit down.  Torn, she thinks about it for a second but then acquiesces.  She sits but leaves a small space between them.
"I'm sorry." Elliot rubs her knee and goosebumps form on her skin despite the material of her pants between his hand and her skin.  Her chest exhales in relief.  Fighting with him had always taken so much out of her and now it's much worse.  Now that she's vulnerable in every way that she's always been afraid of.  In the way she's always run away from.  "I should have told you sooner, I-I just didn't," he cuts himself off.  "I'm sorry ok?"  His index finger slides underneath her chin, tilting it up so she can look at him. Her stubbornness almost gets the best of her because she doesn't want him to see the internal war she's fighting.  "Ok?" he repeats when she finally looks at him.
"Ok," she whispers past the lump of emotion in her throat.
His right hand cups her face, his thumb brushing against her cheek. "I hate it but I know it's going to take time for--"
His thought is interrupted by her cell phone ringing.
"Shit," she shuffles trying to remove the phone from the pocket of her pants.  She passes him an apologetic look before answering.  "Benson."
It's Carisi on the other end in a mild panic telling her that their witness for the Robinson case has gone missing.  "Ok Ok where are you?"
She glances at Elliot and instantly he knows she has to leave.  "Okay I'll call Pippa and meet you there."
Ending the call, she exhales in defeat.  The night is going in a much different direction than she anticipated.
"I have to--I need to call Lucy and see if she can meet me."
Elliot stiffens next to her but she doesn't pay much attention as she scrolls through the contacts to Lucy's number.  He walks towards the bedroom while she gathers her purse and his back pack.
When Lucy answers there's a lot of noise in the background and she remembers that she was at a concert tonight.  She had warned Olivia in advance that she had plans and she assured her that it wouldn't be a problem. "Hey Lucy," she says as Maureen walks up to her with Noah by her side.  His face is set in his signature pout and she knows it will be a battle to get him to leave.  "Nevermind I forgot you had plans tonight."
Maureen and Elliot exchange glances as she hangs up the phone, her palm to her forehead in exasperation. 
"Liv, we can watch him.  I'll be over here for awhile.  Really it's no trouble," Maureen offers sincerely and she's prepared to say no. 
"Mommy we have'ta go?" Noah asks. She doesn't want to have to ask them to do this and be put in the position to have to ask for help. 
"It's really no problem.  We are actually in the middle of playing with some fun toys in Eli's room," Maureen adds to try and ease her decision. Elliot still hasn't said a word and hovers in the hallway near the entrance to the kitchen. His stance is tentative and she knows he's worried about pushing the issue.
"Ok," she agrees.  Leaning down, she gives Noah a quick hug.  "You be good for Elliot and Maureen ok?"
"Ok mommy," he hugs her back before grabbing Maureen's hand to tug her back down the hall.
It wasn't easy but she was going to have to learn to lean on someone sooner or later.  It may as well be him.
"I really have to go," she repeats not sure if she's reminding herself or him.  At least they were able to talk out the situation but she still feels there is something left beneath the surface they need to discuss.  Every minute away from him feels like an eternity especially with his trip on the horizon.
Elliot gives her a lopsided smile and it instantly makes her feel at ease.  "I know."
At the door, he gives her a quick kiss.  "He's going to be fine Olivia."
She doesn't doubt that for a moment.  "I know." 
It's herself that she's worried about.