Unrequited

Chapter 14

Olivia twirls the pen between her fingers, her leg shaking anxiously with her glasses balancing above her forehead deep in thought. It was a rare moment of silence in the squad room while Carisi, Rollins and Dodds had gone out in the field to follow a credible lead on Stassi's whereabouts. Both her and Fin had just finished sweating Mia again for some additional details about the men in and out of the apartment. Besides a name "Joaquin", they really don't have much else to go on.

Holding her breath, she silently hopes that she doesn't hear from Chief Dodds about this. Despite his upcoming retirement, he was still knee deep in everything. The day he left couldn't come soon enough.

Shit. She sits up straight for a moment remembering the retirement party next week. Now that she wasn't seeing Ed anymore and hadn't received an invitation personally it wasn't much of an issue. One less dress to buy, one less party to schmooze at. The last one she went with Dodds himself and it was nerve wrecking to say the least. Playing the political part of her role was something she still hasn't grown accustomed to. Cragen had his run ins with the brass from time to time but he handled it with much more poise than she feels she ever could.

Cragen. She misses him.

A good man, a fearless leader, a father figure when she didn't realize she needed one.

Olivia sighs and thinks back to her appointment earlier that morning with Dr. Lindstrom when his name came up. Ironically it was while she talked about her mother.

"So your mother left you, even though it wasn't her choice."

"It was her choice," she quickly interrupted. Sounding more defensive than she intended. "It was her choice to keep drinking."

"Just how it's yours to stop now. Do you think it was really that easy for her?"

"Yes"

"Why? Because it's been that easy for you?"

She rolled her eyes, focusing instead on the books on his shelf, the plaques on his wall. Anything while she gathered her thoughts. Ironically or maybe not so much it was in those moments that she thought of her former boss. The man who had been a surrogate dad to her was also an alcoholic. But with a much different outcome. He had gotten help and although he didn't talk much about his personal life she knew it wasn't easy for him especially with the pressures of the job, he managed to stay strong.

"What's on your mind Olivia?"

She nodded her head and laughed bitterly.

"My old boss. The one I looked at like my dad. He was an alcoholic too."

"Captain Cragen?"

"Yeah."

"Why is that significant to you?"

Shrugging her shoulders, she looks down at her interlocked fingers. "Because he overcame it. With everything in his life he didn't cave to the bottle or anything. He saw the same stuff I did everyday and he didn't..."

"You think that makes him strong and you weak."

"I don't know. I just wish I could adjust easier."

"Do you think he never struggled? That he never thought about breaking his sobriety?"

She didn't know the answer to that but she is sure he did.

"Do you think you are a better mother than yours was?"

An abrupt change of subject. Or maybe not. He's going somewhere with it she assumes. He always is. She shrugged her shoulders, looking up towards the ceiling as if it would give her some sort of answers. Life with Serena Benson definitely had its ups and downs. Mostly downs from what she can remember or maybe it's just that she chooses to remember it that way. There is no doubt that she loved her mother so if she did there had to be some good. The love wasn't just because she was her mother.