The Guilt That Lies Within

Chapter One

"We need to get you out of the house!" My best friend Landon proclaims, "You've been locked in here all day." Landon Walker was quite the character, with his witty attitude and golden smile; he definitely turned heads everywhere he went.

"Go out if you want to, I'll be here when you get back," I reply unenthusiastically while I changed the channel to my 600lbs life.

"Oh come on Spencer," he sighed while flashing me his signature dimply smile, "One drink... Then we can come home"

If Landon was one thing, it was persistent. We met as children in Mrs. Jones's fifth grade science class when he was determined to be my lab partner. He refused to leave my side after...everything happened; that's why I agreed to have him move into my two bedroom apartment. Landon was the only person in this world I could ever trust. He constantly saves my life and I am so grateful for him.

"Fine... I'll go out for one drink," I begin turning off TLC and standing up from the brown tattered couch, "Let me go get dressed." I can faintly hear him cheering behind me, obviously proud of himself. "You're such a loser." I quietly utter to myself while silently chuckling. I can't remember the last time I went out for drinks, it was probably with him... Shivering at the thought, I walked out of my room wearing my mid-thigh length black dress and grey heels. Looking in the hallway mirror, I silently examine my appearance; my straight blond hair against my dull skin made my lifeless eyes appear to sink even deeper into my face. Sighing, I grip my sterling silver necklace between my frail fingers, smiling slightly as I feel the metal against my skin, and slowly make my way back to the living room.

"Took you long enough Spence." Landon said as he stood from the couch wearing a grey button up shirt with black dress pants. If he declared Calvin Klein had hired him as a model nobody would question it. Somehow he always found a way to look amazing in whatever he was wearing. "Take a picture, it'll last longer," Landon says while winking at me.

"I'm just surprised you didn't trip on your ego when you got up," I begin smirking, "where are we going?"

"I was thinking ACE, they have great music and hot girls." Landon said wiggling his eyebrows up and down.

"Ha ha very funny, we both know you won't actually talk to any girls."

"Because I'll be with my favorite girl, I won't need to talk to any other girls," holding out his arm for me to take he continued, "Shall we Ms. Blake"

Smiling, I said "We shall Mr. Walker."

•••

The atmosphere of ACE was like a scene out of a movie; the walls were kaleidoscopic from the different colors of lights, music was blasting so loud that you could barely hear yourself think, the smell of alcohol could almost intoxicate you by just walking through the doors and you could feel the sweaty bodies bumping into you from all directions.

"You okay Spence?" Landon said while slightly nudging my shoulder.

"Yeah I'm okay," I said yelling over the music, "Wanna go get a drink?"

"Yeah sure, follow me." Gripping my hand he led me through the maze of dancing people towards the bar.

"What can I do ya for gorgeous?" The bartender said through his yellowish brown teeth while making it obvious that he was looking at my chest.

"I'll have a bourbon. She'll have a gin and tonic." Landon said while glaring at the older man and slightly stepping in front of me.

Putting his hands in the air, as if to surrender, the bartender says "alright man, no hard feelings, coming' right up."

"You didn't need to do that Lan," I said turning him around to face me, "he wasn't going to do anything."

Dismissing what I said, he states, "Here drink this and we can go dance."

"I agreed to a drink... You said nothing about dancing."

"Loosen up Spence. We're already here, might as well have some fun. This is your favorite song too!"

I didn't realize the songs had changed. Once I heard the chores to Candyman (by Zedd & Aloe Blancc) I couldn't help but smile. "Alright let's go dance."

Smiling he pulls me to the middle of the dance floor and we started to dance to the beat of the song. After dancing for what felt like forever, I pulled Landon down so I could whisper in his ear, "I'll be right back, I'm going to the bathroom." He nodded so I knew that he heard me; therefore, I began making my way through the crowded floor towards the bathroom. I came to a sudden halt when I saw someone that caused me to freeze in my spot. It couldn't be him, could it? He's not supposed to be here. How could he have found me? I could feel my throat begin to close as it became harder and harder to breathe. My eyes began to fill with tears as I was paralyzed with fear. I could feel someone pull me close, rubbing circles on my back, whispering something in my ear; however I couldn't understand what the person was saying. Everybody at ACE was staring at me. The last thing I remember is being swiftly picked up by gentle arms and being carried out of the club, before I blacked out.

•••

"Come on sleeping beauty, wake up." I heard Landon say, concern laced in his voice.

Blink. Blink. Blink

My eyes slowly adjusted to the lighting. "What happened?" I said confused about the events that occurred in the past 24 hours.

"You were taking a long time in the bathroom, so I went to check on you; that's when I saw you on the floor in a ball sobbing your eyes out. You weren't responsive and you were hyperventilating. I picked you up and brought you home; you passed before I could get you out of the club. You've been sleeping for 12 hours." He said trying to push back tears.

Landon always felt responsible for protecting me. Whenever we were younger and I had panic attacks he would always be the first person to hold me tight and whisper sweet nothings in my ear. It breaks my heart knowing that he puts so much effort into trying to protect me from everything around us; however, sometimes the only thing I need protecting from is myself.

"I thought... I thought I saw..." I debated on whether I should tell him. Should I worry him with something that I don't even know if I saw?

"You saw what Spence?"

"A.... Rat? Yeah, I saw a rat. You know how much I hate those little things." I said trying to laugh it off, hoping that he would let it go.

"Oh really.... A rat?" Smirking, he continues, "Alright, I'll buy it for now. Seriously though Spencer, if you need anything all be in the living room. You've been clean for so long... Just... Yell if you need anything. "

Turning on his heels, he silently makes his way out of my room. He's right, he always is, I don't know why I get surprised anymore. You can't pretend that didn't happen. Shaking the thought out of my head, I roll out of bed, slowly making my way to the washroom. I wrapped my fingers around the cold shower knob, and watched as the bath filled with lukewarm water. Turning away, I undressed and looked at myself in the mirror. I glanced at the jewelry hanging around my neck and smiled slightly, before I noticed the rest of my body. I hated the way I looked; my pale skin made me look ghostly, along with my pudgy legs and scrawny arms. I grimaced in disgust as I slowly got into the bath.