We Are Endgame

Hospital Visit

Due to the inclement rain that happened out of nowhere, Mel and I showed up a little behind schedule to visit Shelby. The anxiety emmanating from her sister was high, the eagerness to see her mom and the fact I was driving slow to drive safely may have driven her mad. Already being a little late since performances ran behind schedule. We make it there twenty five minutes later then originally. I nearly had to stop melanie from running into the hospital while I hadnt even pulled into a parking space. Convinced her to let me drop her off infront as she was wearing flats and no jacket.
After taking another 10 minutes for me now alone to find a parking spot, I made my way into the hospital room as well. I would have given melanie her alone time but I have news to share to Shelby, in regards to melanie and her care plan we have decided for her future, A future I can comprehend but may still not to be ready to experience. It feels shallow to think, I never had the mom every girl desired, I had two amazing fathers, who loved me with every fiber of there being and I am truly grateful. But each day it still hurts to see the bond with Shelby and Melanie, the mom that came back in my life only to leave again, not knowing she had another daughter. I was grateful she made the effort to see how my life was going, and it only left a bigger hole in my heart. Now I must be a mother potentially to a sister, a sister who had the opportunity to have the mother I never got to experience. I feel like such a terrible person to think this, as she is losing the only person she has ever known, and my parents are alive and thriving. Who in every burden and heartache I have caused them by meeting my birth mom and the therapy they sought for me after she left me, still supported me in this choice I made to care for my sister and unwittingly inviting the person who hurt me back, as I couldn't let the sister I never knew be alone. As I stand outside the hospital room giving them as much time as I can until I need to interrupt, these thoughts cloud my mind. I truly don't think I couldn't handle any of this if it weren't for Finn. He is my husband and he has been such a rock. We have been that for each other, have come so far since our high school days. All I could think of the last time I was in the hospital was the last time after his accident, and I am grateful and lucky to still have him. He gives me strength and courage, and life may be hard right now but he is always there and right, that things sadly happen the way they are meant to occur. I am pulled out of my thughts by a nurse getting my attention and saying visiting hours end in twenty minutes. I see them talking in the room still but I need to say some news and tell melanie, its almost time to go. With one last sigh, I get up, knock and enter the room slowly.

I walk in casually. Closing the door behind me slowly. Going to pull up a chair and sit next to Melanie.

"So sorry to interrupt, but the nurse informed me visiting hours are almost over and I need to speak to Shelby alone for a minute before we head home."

Melanie simply nods her head. Saying her goodbye for the night, as she will be back tomorrow for visitation. Giving her mom a final hug and kiss for the night. She walks out of the room and sits in the very seat outside that I sat in for the last two hours. I close the door and sit near Shelby's bedside.

"I will make this quick. Since now I have roughly twelve minutes before a staff member kicks me out of this room. A judge and the notary and everything we have been signing together has been approved. If in case of your sudden demise as this paper states, custody of Melanie will be be solely responsible to me and Finn, so hopefully this may bring some much needed ease upon you"

"It does" Shelby speaks up. As much as she could muster " I am very truly grateful to you and Finn. "You are a amazing daughter and a great son-in law. You make me so proud and I am so sorry"

I don't know what came over me, but hearing those words only upset me, and I would grow to regret those words I said but I couldn't control myself

"Please don't. Shelby you don't get to say such words about me or my husband. I am not your daughter. I tried to be, I gave you every opportunity I'm my young adolescence to be there. I gave you the opportunity to have that and you decided to leave me again. Only to comeback on what is essentially your deathbed and not beg me for forgiveness but to take care of a sister I had no knowledge about. One sibling who got the attention I wanted, and I am glad she had it and I am so sorry she is losing it. This doesn't change anything about me. My husbands dad was being chsed by very bad people after his service in the war, left for the safety of his son. Yet, when he returned back into Finn's life, he did not nothing but apologize And will try to spend anytime they have making up for it, While on my side of this complex relationship I have someone who forced a ticking time bomb on me, a child to raise, and not one "I'm sorry"in her vocabulary. So please don't out of fear of death try now. It's to late for us, I'm doing this out of courtesy and respect for you, and Melanie but I draw the line. I don't want to hurt anymore then I have been by you, You may be mother, but I am not your daughter. "

I am taken away from my thoughts as Melanie knocks on the door as a staff member mentioned visiting hours are up. I wipe away some tears, didn't know tears had fallen from my eyes. I wipe them away quickly and leave the room. A little embarrassed to acknowledge what I have just said, Grabbed the papers back and head out the room, Ashamed to look back.

The rain has lightened up and we head to the car, it's a silent ride home. Melanie heads to her room to change before dinner. I am greeted by Finn in the living room as soon as we walk in, I wait for Melanie to head upstairs. As soon as I hear the door close, I hug him. He holds me and just let's me sob in his arms. Stroking my hair and consoling me, letting me calm down until he can speak with me as to what is bothering me.

"Baby" Finn calls "What is the matter? Please tell me, you are worrying me"

"Let's go downstairs in the basement. Or wait until after dinner. It can wait until then" Rachel spews quickly.

"Dinner can wait my love. Rach, let's go downstairs and you can talk to me. Let me know what is bothering you."

I simply nod, he grabs my hand and leads me down to our basement, locking the door behind us, since this I where we store our alcohol and we have a minor, and this is where we have parties. He leads me to the couch And we sit down. I get right to it. Choking out the words the best I could while tears rolled down my checks like the massive rain that occured today. He lets me grieve, I can't say that's the proper term, to let me spew my pain, grieve the pain I thought I put behind me. Then just holds me, to only say few words before we head upstairs for dinner and act like everything is okay.

"I will always support you, and I will always be here for you. With my whole heart, and I know you said you feel like your a terrible person but I beg to differ. Despite the uncharacteristically unkindwords you may have said, you needed to get it off your chest and she may have needed to hear it. We have all been walking on eggshells around this whole situation. And I have seen you step up despite the pain I seen you hide, and your so brave and strong but you don't always need to be, and she needed to see how she hurt you, or else you would keep it bottled up. I love having Melanie around and to see all your doing, the kindness in your heart. However, I need you to receive said kindness back, and I am sorry haven't been around lately. I think however unkind you view your words, you needed to get them off your chest, and Shelby needed to hear them"

We are interrupted by a knock on the basement door, Melanie asking if dinner is ready that she is starving. Finn wipes away the final tears from my face,
saying he will give me a minute to think of what he said, collect myself and then I join them for dinner. His words have helped me, I find tissues and clean myself up a little before dinner that night. Trying to leave my sadness behind me.