We Are Endgame

Shelby/Melanie

I am spending the day with my mom, after weeks of not getting the chance. I have been devoting my time to school, homework, all my straight A's, the glee club, debate club, living with my sister and her husband, spending time with my boyfriend, non stop going back with each and everyone that have been devoiding the one person I have been missing the most. I feel like a terrible, neglectful daughter. All I wish I could do, All I want to do is spend every moment I can with her, to say to hell with school, and all those extracurriculars, I dont need them. I need my mom. They will not be there as once she is gone, there not the ones there as she is going through the worst time of her life. As I write in you my faithful journal, as I am on the bus to the hospital, I just need to vent my frustrations. Rachel has been so preconcieved with the notion of her wedding, then her husband, then glee club and that awful shooting, then to be worried about me her unknown sister she barely known about coming into her life, and I can't say I am upset that she seems to not care, she has a lot going on and my mom did put her up for adoption, but I can't help but think that I am all alone going through this and I don't want to be the only one carrying this burden, it hurts and I have to bottle it all up. I am grateful that they aren't walking on eggshells around me, but just to simply be asked how I am, anything we can do?, or you can skip today, go see your mom. Its like I exsist but am non exsistent as well. The only one who is completely understanding and caring is Aldo, the sweetest, most caring and I dont know how much of a wreck I would be if it werent for him. Well journal I am glad I found you, you were also neglected in the bottom of one of my moving boxes, I didnt know how much I needed to process what I am going through until I brought the pen down on your wilted, pre-stained, leather bound pages, and the words just seemed to flow. All I know is I am going to change, done being neglectful to you, my mother and myself.

- Melanie

I reached the last stop before my own, So I put my journal away and pack up my pencil pouch, so I dont have to rush to get off the bus, I have done that before. I stand and press the button, eager to get off the bus. Once the driver pulls up right in front of the hospital, I say thanks and head off to the entrance to the cancer ward of the hospital. I greet the nurses at the desk, they recognize me and say long time no see. I check in and put on some gloves and a mask, to protect my mother. I am led to a different room then the last time, leaving a pit in my stomach to see which state she is in, that they needed to switch her to a room by herself

I walk in and remind myself to breathe, I see her laying there sleeping soundly, more tubes in her arm pumping medicine, a cannula in her nose helping her breathe, as she hooked to a monitor counting her heartbeat and more. It breaks my heart to see the current state she in, worse so much worse. I cant believe I have been so naive to believe she was getting better, such a terrible daughter, how could I have left her like this to fight this on her own. I can't take it back but I am done respecting her wishes, all my friends, school, my grades, relationships can all be salvaged. This may or may not be the last memories I can make with her and I can't stay away any longer, it hurts my heart to much. I need this, I need my mom.

I take another long breathe, before I approach her bedside, placing the gift I made her on her bedside table and pulled a chair up as well. Her breathing sounded so automated, you can hear the soft release of air from the oxygen of the cannula, the steady drip drip drip of her I.V. She looks so exhausted but I am determined to be with her, even if she won't know I am here, If she stays sleeping, I am okay with that. Sharing the room with her and just seeing her eases some of my mind, can never be fully at ease. I feel like I am making this all about me, it is my mind and my own inner critic, but I am questioning if I am doing this for her, or for me, because If it was her I would have respected her wishes, and stayed focus on school, and stay away from the hospital. My whole younger childhood was spent in hospitals such as this one, and I know she didnt want that for me again, but I am not a child anymore, she can't protect me from the harsh reality that may await us. I unpack her gift, a photo of us from before we came to Lima. We drove all the way from our previous home, to here, a mother- daughter road trip. It was at the beach, it was of the places mom says the waves eases all her stress, so I wanted to bring that as a pick me up. I hope one day to see her out of this bed, and back enjoying the waves rolling and receding over her feet. As soon as I placed it in its proper place, I hear her stir in her bed. I sit back in my chair as she awakes and turns to face me

"Hey Baby" she says as she sees me, a smile brought to her face, and in that moment all my thoughts become non exsistent and it is just us in this moment.