Amalgam Nation [This could possibly shock you, you've been warned.]

Chapter Seven

Chapter Seven

I sat bolt upright in bed and clutching at my stomach, I felt only empty space where my pups had been just six short weeks ago. The pain washed over me as fresh as the day I had lost them. The dreams of my pregnancy and birth tormented me, sometimes I would dream that none of it had happened and I was simply sleeping, then I'd wake up thinking it was all real.

I pressed my hands into my pelvis and searched over my stomach, willing there to be a bump, just a little one, like how it had began before. A choking sob escaped as I sucked in a breath.

Flynn rolled over and I froze, I'd woken him almost every night over the past weeks, I didn't mean to but the dreams were so cruel, they were so vivid I could even scent my babies after the birth. Sometimes the dreams would take me back to the home pack with them in my arms, the pride and happiness on everyone's faces would break my heart, especially Flynn's expression.

Losing the pups had crushed Flynn just as much as I. He searched for them for weeks before returning empty handed. Slim had long since returned and told us there was no hope but he couldn't accept that. When he came back he flew into a fit of rage, trying to rally us to invade the human establishment nearby, he was sure they must be there. Auron had to hold him to the ground in the end until he calmed, he'd frightened Yinny and Dagon with his anger and raised voice, this wasn't the place or time to discuss such things.

It was all my fault... I had done this to him.

During the pregnancy I thought I was invincible, until I got so large I could barely walk I was on top of the world. Slim had warned me right at the beginning about finding a den close to the security of the pack.

"Yeah I've got this sorted." I'd smiled down at my stomach and then to her.

"You might need assistance, birth isn't exactly pleasant. I was lucky with mine but even so Auron and the rest of you were barely 15m from my den. Promise me you'll consider having somebody with you? I'd be more than happy to help?" Slim was worried, she set her shoulders square on, ready to back up the idea.

"No way! I don't want anyone there, it would be unnatural! Even thinking about that makes me feel uncomfortable and stressed. Not gonna happen hun. Think about it, how would you feel? It's the most intimate and vulnerable moment in your life right? To share that with somebody else seems..." I shrugged my shoulders. "Yuck, it wouldn't be right."

"That's just your instincts talking, you know that."

"I'm not worried."

Slim rolled her eyes. "I can see that, you look euphoric, you're glowing. At this moment it all seems like magic and fairies. You might not be in the right head space to seriously think this through but I am. I care about you Rex, I want you to be sure you have the right birthing den."

"I'm high on babies!" I'd thrown a cheeky smile her way. "But seriously, the den I've found is perfect, you wont have to worry about a thing, it's far enough so I feel comfortable but close enough that you will hear if I needed help, it's secluded, dry and unused at this point. I'll check it regularly to monitor any activity. I've got this." I gave her a squeeze.

Slim relaxed into her usualy motherly smile. "Okay, okay, I trust you."

I trust you. Flynn had trusted me too. Auron and Nae, they all had. But I hadn't mentioned that you would only hear if I needed help if I howled to them. I didn't tell them when my water broke. I should have asked to be carried to my den at least but no, me being me I had to do it by myself. I should have known better than to go so close to Hebinon. I should have had supplies and weapons in the den ready for when the time came.

I slapped my palms to my forehead. How could I be so stupid.

 I tiny rumbling growl started low in my throat. I pulled on chunks of my hair, anything to silence the voices that flowed around my head. I felt tears pooling in my eyes, I never knew one person could cry as much as I had, they rolled down my face, over my lips hot and salty. I felt my nose get congested, and breathed through my mouth instead. I pulled my knees up to my chest, trying desperately to hold it all together. My mouth open in a silent cry of pain, I felt the guilt bubble up like bile in my stomach. I tried to breath slower and stop my body from shaking with each wave of emotion, it all burnt so hot inside my chest.

"Rex? Babe are you okay? What are you doing?" Flynn's voice was so full of compassion and kindness it sent me over the edge. He would know what to do, he always did, he was my soul mate, my life partner. No one else would ever love me like he did.

I let my walls crumble down and the wracking sobs took over my body. He reached for me instantly, holding me to his chest. He stroked my hair and kissed my fingers one by one, waiting for the initial waterfall to slow.

"I hate me." I spluttered quickly between ragged breaths.

My great strong man gathered me in his arms and laid me down in bed, he grabbed a ragged piece of clothing and I blew my nose. He joined me back in bed after filling my drinking bottle, he laid down behind me, his arms circling me, keeping me safe.

"Don't hate, least of all yourself." He whispered in my ear.

"How can you just forgive me Flynn?" I asked, tears slowly subsiding.

"Because I've never blamed you. Rex it wasn't your fault. It was the humans that took them that's who I hate and I blame."

"If I had done it all different they would be here with us now..." I stared at the ceiling of the cave, wondering what it would be like, how things would have changed with them here with us.

Flynn placed his hand on my hip and trailed up my side and under my t-shirt, he cupped my breast and pulled me closer to him, our bodies molded together perfectly.

"Everything happens for a reason hun. You have got to let it go, it'll kill you if you continue this way. Stop blaming yourself." Flynn's voice trailed off sleepily, his arms around me holding me in place close to him. I felt safe here, calm, collected and once again good.

"I knew you'd make it better" I whispered. I couldn't sleep but just being there in that space of time with him made everything else ebb away.