Naked Tracy's Adventures in Madnessland

Naked Tracy Goes to School

"You know what sucks?" Naked Tracy said. "I don't have any friends."

Naked Tracy was naked. She was also sitting alone in some garage somewhere.

"I'd hang out with Stacy," said Naked Tracy, "but she's too classy for me ever since I burned down her last orphanage." Naked Tracy sighed. "What a bitch. I only killed three kids—she didn't even have babies!"

She sat there for another two hours and five minutes wondering how she could make more friends.

And she sat.

And sat.

And thunk.

"Wait," she said, did I ever have friends?"

Shit. Oh yeah she had had those friends once. When she was in fucking school. Suddenly she had an idea, and she was pretty excited about it.

"I guess that's a pretty rad idea." She exclaimed.

The next day Naked Tracy was naked. She also went to school.

"Hello," she said to the teacher. "What's the lesson?"

The teacher chortled. "How the fuck did you get in here?" she laughed. "You're a naked adult in a school. And I'm pretty sure you broke into my garage last night. I'mma call the 5-0."

Naked Tracy's mouth dropped open and her hair frizzed up in shock. "Oh goddamn shoot." She shouted. She hadn't counted on the po-po.

So, she stabbed the teacher in the knee and ran out the window.

Later that day Naked Tracy was naked. She also broke into Stacy's new cafe.

"Why would you break my window," Stacy asked. "The door is open."

"IT was easier," Naked Tracy said.

"I saw you walk past the door and go around the building before smashing my window," Stacy said.

"Yeah but I need your help." Naked Tracy begged, making her eyes all big. Her eyes were also naked.

"Aw, I can't stay mad at you," Stacy said, pouring Naked Tracy a nice cup of jones. "You're my friend, and I should be glad you haven't killed everyone on the street by now. What's wrong?"

Naked Tracy took the cup and started giving herself a sponge bath in the coffee because at this point who gives a damn what happens. "I want to make friends at school but whenever I go in I call the cops. What do I do?"

Stacy was quiet for a minute, wondering what Naked Tracy should do and whether she was going to die. She always wondered that when Naked Tracy came to visit. "You have to be a student, I think." She finally said.

"But I'm not!" Naked Tracy whispered. "I'm a Naked Tracy! How do I be a student at a school?"

Stacy shrugged. "Fuck if I know."

Naked Tracy smiled, though. She had an idea. "Gotta go!" she yelled, breaking her way out through a different window.

The next day, Naked Tracy was not naked. She was also wearing the skin of a junior high student. She went back to school and said to the teacher, "Hiya, Teach!" Naked Tracy was proud of herself for sounding like a 13-year-old go-getter. That was totally how the kids talked these days.

"Hi Spencer," said the teacher. Spencer was the name of the boy Naked Tracy had skinned. The real Spencer was still alive in her catacombs but he doesn't matter so fuck all that. "You look fucked up."

Naked Tracy giggled, trying to sound as much like a happy grade eight student as possible. "I took my skin off to swim in the darkness and the nightmares tore it."

"HAhaaha," the teacher laughed. "You've got some darkness in you kid. I think I'll make you sit in the back next to Julia in case you open a portal to hell."

"That's totally a good idea!" Naked Tracy shouted. "I do that all the time!"

"Fucking hello," Naked Tracy said to Julia when she sat down next to her. "I'm looking for a friend."

"So am I," said Julia. "Do you want to be friends?"

"Awesome!" Naked Tracy said. "We can hang out after school. I can't wait to take off this kid's skin."

"Me too," Julia said.

"Oh," Naked Tracy flailed, "are you wearing someone else's skin too?"

"No," Julia replied, "I just like taking off other people's skin."

"Thats cool." Naked Tracy said. She pulled her purse out from under Spencer's skin. Fuck Spencer. "Hey, wanna do some heroin?"

"Woah, that's illegal," Julia said.

"Fucking wait," Naked Tracy said while applying the heroin to her bloodstream. "You mean to tell me—oh shit that's good stuff—that I can't do heroin in the back of a junior high class?"

"Yeah," Julia said.

"What has our education system come to? Why, with rules like that we'll be creating a generation of deviants!"

"Hey," Julia interrupted, "I don't know what a lot of those words mean. What the fuck are you talking about?"

Naked Tracy stood up. "I don't know either, I'm rolling face right now." She ripped Spencer's skin off of her body, and threw pieces of it around the room.

Naked Tracy was naked again. Also she was mad.

"If you won't let kids do heroin I'll kill everyone here!" Naked Tracy shouted.

"Weren't you going to do that anyway?" Julia asked.

"Yeah but now it makes me a hero," Naked Tracy shouted.

Naked Tracy grabbed Julia and threw her into a sink. Then she saw the teacher coming over.

"Holy fuck you're back," the teacher said. "Did you kill Spencer? Because that's pretty chill, homeboy was always talking about the gaping void beyond the mortal plane. What a bitch."

"I know," Naked Tracy said. "Fuck him."

"Yeah, fuck him," the teacher said. "But you still have to be arrested because you're naked and attacking children."

"It's not my fault," Naked Tracy shouted as she kicked the teacher in the right butt. "You're the one who made it so children couldn't do heroin in class!"

"The curriculum called for more crack!" The teacher explained in pain. Naked Tracy was kicking her left butt now and it hurt a lot.

"Crack is for hacks," Naked Tracy whispered, now kicking the teacher's top butt. "You're a hack!"

"Oh my god please end this fucking story now," the surprisingly self-aware teacher pleaded.

But, unfortunately, an ending could not be thought of. Naked Tracy kept killing her and her students all day and long into the night.

A week later, Naked Tracy was naked. She was also on the roof of some apartment complex.

"Oh shit," she said. "I forgot about Spencer."

Spencer had died of dehydration in her catacombs a few days ago.

Fuck Spencer.