Naked Tracy's Adventures in Madnessland

Naked Tracy Solves a Mystery

Naked Tracy punched a motherfucker.

"Ow!" said the train conductor. "What the bitch was that for?"

"I needed a way to start the story," Naked Tracy explained. "You understand."

"Yeah," said the train conductor. "I get that. It can be tricky sometimes. Anyway, your room number is 6. It will be four days until we arrive in Lagos, with a stop in Shanghai two days after that. You're riding on this train to visit your sister, and there are four other passengers. Will that be all?"

"I'm good," said Naked Tracy. "What's your name, man?"

"Charlie Exposition," said the train conductor.

"Fucking tight," said Naked Tracy. "I'm going to go eat, or sleep, or kill something."

"That's cool with me," said Charlie. "I'm going to go offstage and never show up again."

"Okay, see ya!"

Naked Tracy went into the dining car to mingle with the other passengers. She saw a tall man with a twirly mustache. He was blond. Those were all the important details about this man.

"Hey there," Naked Tracy greeted him, offering Charlie's hand. She'd nicked it earlier.

"Good evening," the man said, taking the hand. "How long do you think it will be before we leave the station? This London air is too dry for my sensibilities."

"Naked Tracy tapped her lip in thought. "I think we're already moving," she said after a few minutes. They both looked out the window.

"Shit, you're right." The guy said. "Well, I'm Sir Mimsy. This is such a lovely interwar style train ride, don't you think?"

"Yes indeed," Naked Tracy replied, adjusting her pince-nez glasses. "I truly look forward to meeting the other passengers aboard this locomotive."

A shrill shriek cut their conversation short.

"What the fuck was that?" Naked Tracy demanded.

"Holy shit," Sir Mimsy said. "I think someone's been murdered!"

They ran after the sound, threw open a door and saw a thin woman lying in a pool of blood. A beefy man stood over him, hands over her mouth.

"I came in to go to the dining car," he stammered, "and I saw him—oh, heavens!"

"Oh fucking heavens is right," said Naked Tracy. "This woman was killed without any wanton carnage or insanity! A true affront to God and man."

"Indeed," said Sir Mimsy, taking off his top hat in reverence. "Who could have done such a thing?"

"That's up to me to find out," said Naked Tracy.

"Why you?" Asked the big man. "You're a crazed nudist with no sense of personal space."

"Because I'm the protagonist!" Naked Tracy shouted. They couldn't really argue with that, so they just got all the other suspects together in the dining car.

"We have four days until this train stops," Naked Tracy said once they were all assembled. "That means that whoever did this is still on this train."

"Yeah," said another woman, "we know, bitch. That's why we're all here, to find out which one of us did it." The woman was Madame Lindsey Porpington, and she was a colossal asshole. Convicted on two counts of elephant slavery, she had only gotten off on a technicality. She had an intense mutual hatred with the other as-yet-unintroduced passenger, Spot.

Spot was a penguin, and as such was above reproach. This did not look good for Lindsey.

"Who do you think did it, Spot?" Naked Tracy asked reverently.

"Fuck if I know," said Spot. "You humans all look alike, I can't even tell which one of you is the dead one."

"It's me," supplied the corpse helpfully from the other car.

"My name's David," said the fat guy. "I just realised I never said that earlier. The dead chick is Esmeralda because names are really hard to come up with."

"Thanks David," said Naked Tracy, "that was really helpful. You're a good friend. Not as good as my bitch Stacy though, she's the bomb."

"So who did it?" asked Sir Mimsy.

"I think it was that stupid penguin," Lindsey said.

"DON'T INSULT PENGUINS." Naked Tracy grabbed Lindsey and threw her into the wall, breaking her spine. Everyone was okay with this because Lindsey was a huge bitch. Spot gave Naked Tracy a high five and everyone cheered and she felt wanted and it was awesome.

"Can we say it's Lindsey so we can all hurt her?" asked David.

"I don't think so," Sir Mimsy said. "I mean, we all want to break her face, and we probably all will, but we should also find out who the real killer is."

"Right on," said Naked Tracy, trying to keep track of all these characters. "Did anyone know Esmeralda?"

"No," said all of them at once. "She never spoke to any of us."

"Cool," said Naked Tracy. Things were becoming quite clear. "One final question, then. Which one of you killed her?"

"I feel like the killer won't be honest," said Sir Mimsy.

"Why the shit not?" asked Naked Tracy. "I'm always honest about my murders."

"Yeah but you're cool," said David. "You have too much style to be a bad guy. Whoever did this was probably trying not to get caught because they're not cool enough to avoid jail."

"I knew it!" Naked Tracy shouted. "David, you're the killer!"

"What?" Lindsey asked from the corner.

"The fuck?" asked David. "What makes you say that?"

"Simple," Naked Tracy shouted. She wasn't very good at volume control. "You know a little too much about the killer's motivations.

"Anyone would—"

"Not only THAT," she interrupted, "but you lied about never speaking to Esmeralda! You were the only one here who knew her name, and I'm the only one here cool enough to murder someone I don't know."

"Hold on, but—"

"FUCKING FURTHERMORE," Naked Tracy bellowed, "just before Sir Mimsy and I found you, we heard a woman's scream. That scream was her dying when you killed her!"

"Shit," David said.

"You fucking loser," said Sir Mimsy. "You killed Esmeralda?"

"I guess, yeah," said David, still a little confused. He obviously wasn't very good at detective stories.

So they all threw David out the window, which may have been a little harsh because they were currently in the Amazon rainforest, and there's all sorts of freaky bugs out there that make you shit out your organs.

"That penguin still sucks," said Lindsey.

Naked Tracy threw Spot at her, and Spot punched her. With his penguin fists.

Everyone lived happily ever after.