Naked Tracy's Adventures in Madnessland

Naked Tracy, Secret Agent

Naked Tracy was sitting around in her apartment, just like, watching some shit on TV. It was this pretty cool new show, some guy cooking meth to pay for cancer.

"Boo!" She shouted whenever the dude and his partner were in their drug lab. "That's not how you make meth. Trust me, I drink meth all the time and it's only blue when I cut it with Drain-O."

Her phone rang so she threw a hatchet at the TV to turn it off. Then she picked up her phone. "Fucking hello?"

"Tracy Calisthenics?" A voice said. It was coming from the phone. "We need your help."

"Holy shit," Naked Tracy said, "it's the KGB!"

"Yeah," the voice said, "this is the KGB. We need you to join our team of spies to save the world from Thailand!"

"What's the motherfucking sitch?" Naked Tracy demanded. "Do you want me to kill someone?"

"No!" Shouted the KGB. "Go across the street to the Merde Cafe and buy a small hot coffee with a shot of vanilla, raspberry and twice the whipped cream. I'll be in touch with you then."

"That's shit," Naked Tracy said.

"The fuck are you talking about?" The KGB asked.

"It's shit. Merde means shit. Why do you want me to go to—"

"JUST FOLLOW YOUR GODDAMN ORDERS SARGENT" the KGB said.

"Fucking fine," Naked Tracy said. "I'll let you know when I get it."

"We'll know," the KGB said.

Naked Tracy jumped out the window and landed in the street, probably killing a few people with the shockwave of her landing. That was sick, she thought. I'm the fucking best.

After standing back up, she ran into the coffee shop and grabbed the first guy she saw by the throat. "I need some coffee, bitch!" She shouted.

"Holy fuck," the guy said. "You don't know how to order coffee do you?"

"Yes I do, bitch!" She shouted. "I grab random people and scream at them!"

"Damn," the guy said. "You really do know your shit. Sure, I'll get you the stuff."

He got her order and brought it to her. Then she let him go. Then her phone rang.

"Yo bitch, this is the KGB." Said the KGB once she answered.

"I got your shit," Naked Tracy said.

"Fucking yeah you did," they said. "We were watching you."

"Holy fuck," Naked Tracy said. "I don't like people who watch me. You're not getting this coffee." She drank the whole thing right there in front of them.

"You've made a dangerous enemy today," the KGB warned. "I'm the KGB."

"I know," said Naked Tracy. "I'm Naked Tracy."

The KGB was silent for a second. "Oh shit."

Naked Tracy released all the locks on her power, and the coffee shop exploded in a wave of pure motherfucking awesomeness. She ripped the head off a passerby and threw it into the sky, watching as it arced through the air. The head flew up the street, and that meant the KGB had to be there!

Naked Tracy ran up the street. She was a pretty fast runner so it only took her a couple seconds to get across town. Finally, she was face to face with the KGB.

The KGB was, of course, a fairly tall guy in his mid-thirties with super long blue hair. He looked really stupid. Like he wasn't smart or something. Naked Tracy didn't know. That was none of her fucking business.

The KGB said "hahaha Naked Tracy, you came to kill me. That's rude of you."

Naked Tracy thought the KGB was a bit of a bitch. That was because of a long history between them that we won't get into here. "What the shit are you talking about?" She asked.

"Hell if I know," said the KGB.

Naked Tracy punched the bitch. "I haven't punched a bitch in a while," she said while she punched the bitch. "I've been on a fucking vacation. It was really sweet."

"That sounds fun," said the KGB while he was being punched. "Where did you go?"

"None of your fucking business," Naked Tracy punched. She bit the KGB in the esophagus so he couldn't annoy her anymore. The coppery taste of his blood filled her with a rush of excitement and she crunched down, splintering the cartilage under her perfectly shaped teeth.

"This is fucking sweet!" Naked Tracy roared, shaking the KGB's dying body at the sky. "I am the storm! I am fire and death! Come to me if you dare, Thailand! I broke the KGB, I will break you! I AM GOD!"

The KGB made a gurgling moan. "That's... really lame," he wheezed through his spare mouth.

"Lame? Your future Soviet Union is now mine to command!" Naked Tracy screeched over the rumbling thunder. Dark clouds had veiled the sky, and silver forks of lightning lanced down around them. She threw the KGB to the ground, splattering blood onto the dirt. The ground shook and a fissure opened at her feet, eager to consume the fallen body.

The KGB's body slid down the crevasse, and for an instant all was silent. The stormclouds hung overhead, pregnant with devastation, waiting on her word to rain death onto the world. The void inside of the Earth had swallowed her foe and sat, hungry for more. Naked Tracy stretched her arms out to the sky, extending her malice into the universe.

Soft laughter wafted across the shattered field. A figure advanced toward her through the settling dust, carrying a parcel.

"You've done it again," the laughing voice called. "Everything I wanted." It was Thailand. "Now the world is mine to command!"

Naked Tracy looked down at this fucking loser. "I'm not finished yet, bitch."

Naked Tracy let out a cosmic scream, tearing into the clouds above. The sky ripped in half, spraying lightning and death onto everything below. The ground heaved and buckled under the assault, knocking Thailand to her knees and piercing her chest.

"This world," Naked Tracy said, "will never be yours. You're nowhere near hot enough."

It was true. Even with gashes across her face, spears of rock through her torso and the anguish of a thousand damned souls etched into her eyes, Thailand just wasn't quite hot enough to hold any kind of authority. The woman wailed, and Naked Tracy kicked her head off, saving the world for the tenth time.

Thailand's ragged head landed in a circle of young children. A little boy—he looked like his name was Mike or some shit—picked it up. "Cool! Let's play soccer!" The kids all laughed and started playing soccer. Naked Tracy smiled.