Naked Tracy's Adventures in Madnessland

The One With the Porno

Naked Tracy threw a lead pipe into a crowd of people. It cracked some fucker in the skull, and everyone started screaming, and crying, and pooping a little.

That was enough for now, so Naked Tracy snuck out of the school and made her way back home. But wait! She couldn't go home yet, she had to swing by Stacy's cafe and drop off her birthday gift.

Naked Tracy cut her leg open and traced a magic circle in the grass, snapping the necks of every living creature inside of it. Except the worms, those guys were cool. Then she called out to the moon, and the world folded around her, transporting her across the street and into Stacy's cafe.

"Fucking shit!" Stacy shouted when she saw Naked Tracy materialize right next to her, ripping chunks out of the guy who had been standing there first. "I haven't heard from you in months! I thought you were dead."

Naked Tracy howled. "Bitch, I was just getting you a birthday present!"

"But my birthday isn't for another eight weeks," Stacy protested. "You... oh god, you're finally going to kill me aren't you?"

"HAHAHAHAHA I wouldn't kill you Stacy, you're my friend!" Naked Tracy slobbered. "I just thought it would take longer to get you your gift, so I went to get it early."

Stacy looked around nervously, but all her customers had already run away as soon as they saw Naked Tracy teleport in. "What is it?"

Naked Tracy thrust the gift bag at her bestie and gave her a toothy grin. "Rock porn!"

"What the fuck?" Stacy asked.

Naked Tracy nodded so hard it felt like her head was going to fall off. "I made a bunch of statues and filmed them having sex for you. It's stop motion!"

Stacy blinked. "This is perfect. You spent all this time just making rocks fuck for me?"

"Yeah! We've got some hot granite on limestone action in volume two. You're going to love it."

"That's great," Stacy said, "but I feel like we don't have a story here. Like, usually you have a problem to solve and you wind up destroying everything you touch and making life worse for everyone. This time you killed a couple people but all that really happened is you gave me a cool present. I don't think this is a very good chapter, especially as a comeback from a hiatus."

"Oh shit!" Naked Tracy ejaculated. "I forgot the other part of my gift!"

Stacy's face drained of colour. "Fuck, fuck, fuck. What's the other part of my gift?"

Naked Tracy laughed. "Oh, you silly bitch. It's what I always get you: a wolf! Here boy!"

A big old nasty old wolf crashed in through the window and started eating the tables. Just going to town on Stacy's nice furniture, devouring everything in sight. Every time it ate something in grew, until it was finally the size of the entire cafe.

"I can't believe we just sort of let that happen," Stacy said.

Naked Tracy could totally believe it. Wolves were fucking awesome.

The wolf looked at them and growled. "You two suck," said the wolf. "I think I'm going to eat you guys now."

"Naked Tracy," Stacy screamed, "do something!"

Naked Tracy leapt into action and threw Stacy right in the thing's motherfucking eye. Then she bit its foot, so it would probably get rabies and die.

"Holy shit," said the wolf, "You're super fucked up, lady. Just for that, I'm going to blow up your apartment."

Then the wolf shot laser beams out of its eyes at Naked Tracy's apartment, and the apartment blew up and Naked Tracy said "FUCK" and a million cockroaches poured out of the building and escaped into the river.

"My roach collection!" Naked Tracy screamed. "You asshole!"

Then about a dozen people ran out of the apartment building and escaped into the river.

"The family I kidnapped!" Naked Tracy shouted. "You bitch!"

Naked Tracy hit the wolf in the face with a spin-kick. The wolf snarled, leaping into the sky. It reached up and pulled the moon out of the sky, hurling it at Stacy.

"No way," Stacy said, "leave me out of this." She then escaped to the end of the story.

Naked Tracy screeched. "I HATE THE MOON." She reached into her leg and pulled out her femur, then started beating the wolf on the neck with it. "I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU YOU FUCKING WOLF."

As she slammed the bone into the wolf's flesh, gashes started appearing in the beast. Blood seeped out, acrid and steaming, and as it bled the wolf began to deflate.

"HA!" Naked Tracy shouted. "I knew it! Wolves are just made of blood!" She punched a hole down the middle of the femur to turn it into a straw, and stuck the straw into the wound. A few slurps was all it took to completely drain the wolf of its acid blood and kill it.

Now that everything was over, Naked Tracy howled at the moonless sky. "It's over!"

"Yay!" Stacy said. "Now there's no story anymore!"

Naked Tracy put her arm around her friend and stood just a little bit too close. "Happy birthday bitch."