Perceived Insanity

Prepare

 Nayona sat in the room, drawing long division problems on the floor with her finger to pass the time. She knew the end result of the trial was not in her control. If they sentenced her to death, she was ready. If they chose to let her live, she was ready to return to the garbage dump she had lived in for so many years. There was no way to know how quickly time was passing, for there were no windows or clocks in the small room. The hours crawled by, and Nayona soon felt she would be able to solve any long division problem the world might throw at her. She started listing as many prime numbers as she could, but that was too difficult. It required too much brainpower, and she wanted to think.

She thought about what had inspired her to make the choices she had made. Many years before she had left the community, she had decided truth existed, and was definite. She was sure truth was not relative, and this caused her to search for truth. She read everything that was available to her, even if she knew her reading material was frowned on by the government. When she found something that felt pure and full of truth, she would pay attention to it. Only one book never failed to hold up to her high standards, and she read it often. Thus her values and beliefs had been established, and she would never allow herself to forget what she had found as a result of her search.

She thought about her identity. She knew who she was, and who she wanted to be. If her choices did not reflect that, knowing who she was had no worth. Knowledge, thoughts, and opinions have importance, as they are often the source of one's actions, but they only have worth in the actions they cause.

The door handle turned, and Dr. Rhae entered. Nayona looked up, and smiled at the older woman.

"Hello, Dr. Rhae," Nayona greeted her.

The elder of the two was surprised at the cheery greeting she had received. So many of the children whom she had met in such circumstances would have emotional breakdowns when their death seemed so imminent. Some would become angry with her, and attempt to attack her with the chairs. Several would just sit there, without responding to their surroundings in any way. Their fear overpowered any other emotions, and they would be unable to function. Dr. Rhae imagined, although only for a moment, what it would be like for them. She found the thought too disconcerting, however, and resolved never to be sympathetic with them again.

Nayona was afraid. She could not suppress her fear, but she had already suffered so much she found it easier to keep hidden. She knew her fear was unprecedented, and this gave her strength as well.

"Hello," Dr. Rhae responded curtly. "You have been sentenced to death."

She kept her expression devoid of emotion. She had delivered this news in exactly the same manner so many times before. Never had the circumstances been quite like Nayona's, but the end result would be the same.

"Will I be allowed to say goodbye to my family before I am killed?" the younger girl asked. Her own death was not something she would be able to cry about. She was sure losing someone close to her, in particular her brother, would be much more painful and difficult, but she found the prospect of her own death less worrisome.

"They will be allowed to visit you, if they like, but you are not to be allowed to speak with them," replied Dr. Rhae. She did not approve of allowing prisoners to socialize. Too often, they were dramatic and would plead with their families to help free them. She doubted the girl would be dramatic, but her beliefs threatened the system of government in place. She could not have such beliefs spreading through the community.

"Thank you," the girl said, sounding truly grateful. "Where will I be held prisoner until my execution?"

Dr. Rhae shook her head.

"Do you not want to know when you will be executed, or how?" she asked, raising an eyebrow. Such details were often of far more importance to those who had recently received news of their sentence than where they would be kept.

"If that information may be shared with me," Nayona responded, her voice uncertain. She did not wish to know, for she felt the information would only cause her to fear her death more, rather than comforting her.

Dr. Rhae shook her head. The information was, in truth, available to the girl. It could do no harm for her to know how and when she would die, as there was no way to escape the cells prisoners were left in until their death. But the older woman had no wish to share information not explicitly requested, especially with the strange girl in front of her. She would let the girl decide how her story would play out, and the older woman would watch with a scientific interest.

The elder woman instructed the girl to follow her, and together they left the room in which Nayona had waited for her sentence. As they walked down the hallway, Nayona thought about the effects of her choices. She wondered if her decision would be recognized by anyone else, or if her name would be forgotten, lost among a million other memories her acquaintances had made since meeting her. It was unlikely her decision would be advertised or made an example of, for she was not displaying fear or any other great emotional distress. As the pair made their way towards Nayona's final prison, her thoughts turned toward the finality of her decision. She could not take anything back, now. In some ways, she found that comforting. The choice had been made, and the struggle was over. At the same time, it was intimidating. She had made a choice resulting in a very final consequence. The power to reverse the consequences did not lay in her hands, and that was frightening. She had to trust that she had found the truth. But she had never had doubts before, and she would not now.

Dr. Rhae led the prisoner into a dimly lit room, then through a thick, soundproof iron door into her final prison. Within the small room, she could see a mattress laying on the floor, a toilet, and a small table laden with a glass of water and a plate of pasta. Nayona almost laughed when she saw the food. If they were really interested in killing her, why spend the money to feed her? They had no reason to care if she starved. When such significant matters were at stake, the smallest, least significant detail was entertaining.

Nayona realized, as Dr. Rhae left and the door closed and locked behind her, she was no more imprisoned than she had ever been. Her imprisonment was more tangible, to be sure, now that she was physically imprisoned. But she had been a prisoner from the day of her birth, first by the community, then as someone imprisoned outside of the community. Never had she been free to go where she pleased, in a physical sense or a mental sense. Her thoughts had been imprisoned by the rules of the community, and when she had destroyed her mental prison they would put her in the final physical prison of death.

For several hours, she had nothing to do. She ate the food, then stared at the ceiling. She could not sleep. As time passed, it felt as if she would go crazy. The lighting never changed, and the walls were all the same. The monotony of it irked her. It was not boredom that bothered her, but feeling that she could not know what was real anymore. Seconds blurred together into nothing, until time felt meaningless. She simply existed, waiting. Nothing happened. When she finally slept, she did not dream. Upon awaking, she found more food waiting for her. Soon, she was not sure if it had been days, weeks, or only a few hours since she had entered the room. When every moment was like the last, she might have existed in the room since the beginning of time.

Eventually, even her thoughts blurred together until she did not trust her own memories or thoughts. It was hard to be alone, in an environment that never changed.