Perceived Insanity

Don't Forget

     The sound of a synthetic bell filled the cold winter air. Nayona counted the chimes: it was five thirty. In half an hour, the exam would begin. It was time to see if she was ready. She stood up, and walked towards the doors of the imposing government building. It was imposing not because of its height but because of her memories. This building represented everything she did not have. Nayona reached out, grasping the door handle tightly. It was time for a decision. In, to a life judged successful by everyone on the planet, or out, isolated and shunned but standing up for what she believed in. The conflict lasted for a few chronological seconds but seemed to last for years. It was the culmination of her internal conflict between worldly values and what she believed in. She longed to be accepted, she longed to belong, she longed to be an outcast no longer. Would these things be worth giving up what she valued, what she held to be true? She felt there was only one way to find out.

The man inside watched her, satisfied. He was very sure she would enter. He pulled the hood of his coat up, making as if to leave the building. He watched her pause, fighting her natural instinct towards things that would bring her physical safety and security. Of course she would be happier as a normal citizen. She would be allowed to place herself in whatever box appealed to her most. There were so many metaphorical boxes in which to classify oneself in this glorious age that it could not matter to anyone that the boxes existed. After all, everyone must fit somewhere. The only question left was where. As soon as she saw him approaching the door, she took a quick breath and pushed the door open violently. Blushing as it banged against the wall behind it, she hurried off to the hallway marked 'Exams.' Smiling triumphantly, the man turned on his heel and followed her.

Nayona walked up to the exam room, reading the instructions written on the door. She sat down in one of the waiting chairs outside the room, giving the man who joined her a moment later a strange look. She was sure she had just seen him exiting the building. But it did not matter; whomever he was he could not possibly have anything to do with her. She returned his smile and short greeting. It was possible he was the test administrator, but they would have no reason to wait outside with those taking the exam. For Nayona, the exam would not be the same as it had been for her when she was a child. Growing up is the process of losing your innocence, losing your youthful perspective on the world and learning. Once a child makes a decision that they fully understand will change their life and they refuse all offers made to reverse the effects of their decision, they are not really a child any longer. Nayona had made such a decision. The government understood this, to an extent. While they would never dare to give a very young adult the rights that a full adult can enjoy, they would not hesitate to force the full consequences of an action such as Nayona's on a physical child without mercy.

This time, the exam would go beyond simply testing her ability to conform to certain standards. It would require her to abandon all of her values. Everything she knew to be true. She would have to answer biased test questions aimed at forcing her to agree with everything the government had ever fed her, regardless of truth. She prepared to take it.

At six o'clock sharp the door opened. Nayona and a handful of other adults and children returning from probation time entered, smiling encouragingly at each other. Each person found a desk and sat in it. Each person opened the test booklet once instructed to do so by the administrator, and began to answer the questions.

Ironically, each question was multiple choice. Including the one asking, 'Is there an answer to any given question concerning morals, ideology, values, or truth?'

The test lasted two hours, but Nayona finished in the first hour. She turned in her booklet, sickened by the task she had just completed. She left the building, unaware that she was being followed. Even if she had known, she would have thought nothing of it. She walked back to her curb, curling up with her knees to her chest. Her back rose and fell unevenly as she cried, trying to rid herself of the feeling she had turned her back on everything that really mattered. What was more important, being right or being comfortable? She knew it wasn't about being right, but it helped to justify what she had done. She felt as if she had betrayed someone. It was a rotten, confusing feeling. She had betrayed no one- no one but herself. As soon as the thought occurred to her, she pushed it away. She had not betrayed herself. That would be such a strange concept. And she had made the decision with the intent of improving her situation. How could she possibly be betraying herself?

The man watched her from a distance, surprised. She had nothing to cry about- she was about to begin her life! He had no doubt she had passed the exam. He knew her to be a very intelligent person, and intelligent people have no trouble manipulating their circumstances. And why should she choose not to, if it benefited her? Personal gain is always worth it. When everyone has equal opportunities to pursue personal gain, no one should worry about promoting the gain of anyone else. Then the whole world can live the American Dream to its fullest. Nayona was doing just that, so it made little sense that she should be unhappy.