Project Equality

Committing (to a College)

Hazel

I think that Amilia was talking to me about something the Wednesday evening after prom, but I could hardly hear her over the blood pounding through my ears. On the table in front of me sat two piles of envelopes - all letters of acceptance to a lot of the colleges I applied to.

It was like standing at a crossroads. Down the left path was England, my family, and a career in biochemical research. I was sure to have job opportunities and succeed at anything I set my mind to. On the right was America, my friends, and a career in law enforcement. There was no guarantee with that, and I didn't know that I would even make it into the FBI. But I would be closer to everything I cared about, and I would have the chance to make a difference. I had a chance to make the world a better place.

"I mean I went on the pill for like a month beforehand, that's how fucking prepared I was." Her voice was distant and watery, like I was underwater and she was talking to me from a boat.

"Well, Hazel, you don't have long to make this decision. I don't want to be the reason you throw away your dreams, though. I love you too much for that."

"Andrea, come on! Don't be crazy. I'm not throwing away anything for you!"

"Maybe we should take a break, just for this week, and then you can decide with a clear head."

"What? Andrea, please!"

I didn't have a clear head. Tears stung my eyes every time I even thought about that conversation. The idea of breaking up with Andrea made me so upset, so sad that I could've punched a wall, broken a lamp, flipped a table, throw a car. Right then, staring at the envelopes, I wondered if choosing England meant choosing "Not-Andrea". That thought was overwhelming, indeed.

" . . . but it was just so awkward and uncomfortable in actuality . . ."

"Whatever you decide, though, make sure that it's what will make you happy, not what's expected. When you're my age, you'll want to be sitting with your wife and looking back at all of the memories you've made and feel happy. Just happy, no regret, because everything you did in your life brought you to that moment."

"Is that how you feel?"

"Absolutely. I wanted the jobs that men were supposed to have, and even though my mum was a little angry that I wasn't going to be a good little housewife, I didn't give a fuck. I went out there and did what I wanted to do with my life, and it led me to your granddad. We had a lovely family together, just outside of London, and now I have a beautiful granddaughter. I wouldn't change a single decision I made, because I know that when I die, I will have left behind something beautiful."

I glanced at the ceiling, wondering if Gran could see me from wherever she was. I wished there was some way she could come back and tell me what to do. She always knew me better than I knew myself, and I loved her more than anyone else on the face of the Earth. I wished she wasn't gone, I wished she hadn't died, I wished I knew what to do. Gran always knew what to do. She decided she wanted to do something and then she did it. No one stood in her way.

Ever since I was little, I wanted to be just like her. It was with pain in my chest that I remembered her funeral.

"My grandmother was the best woman I'll ever know. She was inspiring, a feminist in a time where no one wanted to hear what a woman thought, and she would cut you with her sharp tongue if you ever stepped out of line. She was the kind of person I hope I can be in life, because she regretted nothing. Even death didn't take her until she was good and ready for it to. I've always lived to make sure I was making her proud, but she told me just a couple of days ago, she tells me that the only way to make her proud is to do what makes me happy. I don't know if you're familiar with being pressured by family members, but she was never like that. She just wanted what was best for me, and for all of her children. She was the best woman I've ever known."