Project Equality

Static

Lynn

I sat in Viktor's car after Ely and Lauren had chosen their bridal parties, feeling happiness for them. They were meant to be together, and I had no doubt that even though they were young, they would make it. My parents got married even younger, and Chrissy always said that they would've made it.

But my happiness was cut short when I looked over at my boyfriend of two years, realizing that we had gotten no closer, no more in love, no more intimate than the first week we were together. I guess it's no secret at this point that I wanted to know if I was wasting my time with him, nor is it a secret that we never seemed to be able to have a mature conversation on the topic. I wanted to love him, but right then, I didn't know if that was something I was willing to choose to do.

"Viktor," I began. "Look, I know you don't want to, but unless you plan on dive rolling out of the vehicle, I'm going to take this opportunity to ask you where you see this relationship going."

His hands tightened on the wheel. "Lynn, I love you."

"That's not what I asked," I sighed. "Please. Can we just talk like grown ups, for once?"

"Why can't we just be happy where we're at?"

"We've been here for two years. If this is the only place we'll ever be, then I want to know," I said. "I think I deserve that much, don't I?"

He huffed and then responded. "Okay. Fine. Honestly, I don't know until you tell me what college you chose?"

I didn't tell him that I had chosen New York yet. He wanted to believe I'd go to Cal Poly and we'd be together and all would be well, but that just wasn't the case. I couldn't go to Cal Poly. I didn't want to. As valedictorian of my graduating class, I could've gotten into anywhere with a full ride, do anything I wanted. I wanted to go the NYU and get a degree in journalism. That was my dream.

"I chose New York," I told him. "You should've seen that coming."

"Well, then we can't move past this point until at least I've graduated. Then we talk about what comes next. Until then, we're stuck in this long distance mess."

I shook my head. It wasn't a good enough answer for me. "No. We discuss it now. We have to discuss it now."

"Why?"

"Because if one day, I meet the perfect person, my soulmate, my Lauren, and it's not you, but we're stuck in some dead end relationship that's already wasted two years of our lives, then I'm going to be really pissed at my current self."

"Why do you need to be certain a relationship is going to end in marriage?"

I threw my head back and laughed. It wasn't funny, just so weird. I wanted a future with whoever I decided to enter a relationship with. It was why I did it. I know that not everyone always sees it that way, but I did. I guess me and Jacob had that in common, but at least when his girlfriend realized she didn't want that, he got to know. I just wanted to know.

"Because that's something I want to be a part of my life, Vik. I want to know that some day, I'm going to wake up next to someone I love and know for sure that I'll get to do it for the rest of my life. And for fuck's sake, I don't want that person to be Jenna."

"I can't promise you that, Lynn! I'm only twenty, you're only eighteen. We're far too young."

"My parents were eighteen," I countered. "It's not about age, it's about commitment. That's the one thing I've learned from Ely and Lau."

"We're not Ely and Lau, we're Lynn and Viktor! Great for each other in our own right. I mean, I am committed to you. I know I am because if I wasn't, I would have cheated on you or broken up with you. Isn't that enough?"

"No," I replied. "I mean, hypothetically, yeah, but how long are you going to want to be with some girl who's two years younger than you? Do you ever want to wake up next to me, or do you just want to see me twice a year, make out, then go back to separate lives? What do you want?"

"I don't know," he replied. Both of us were bordering shouting.

"Stop the car," I said. It was still some ways from my house, but I didn't care. When he didn't, I repeated, "Viktor, stop the fucking car."

He did, but looked at me confused. "Lynn, what are you doing?"

I unbuckled my seat belt, grabbed my purse, and got out. "Leaving the car, walking home."

"You're wearing five inch heels, you're not walking home," he argued.

"Bitch, watch me."

He drove slowly as I walked, like a scene I recalled from That 70's Show. "Lynn, get in the car."

"No."

"Get in the car."

"No."

"What's the point of this?"

"I'll get in the car when you can act like the adult you are."

"Says the one being petty and walking beside the car."

"You've been with me for two years! You should know how petty I am, and that this isn't the worst of it!"

"What if I don't want to have this conversation?" he asked me after we carried on in silence for a bit.

"Then I don't want to have this relationship. It's not personal, I just don't think it's fair to either of us to be with someone with such different relationship values."

"Lynn, come on-"

"Viktor," I interrupted, trying to hide how much it was hurting me to say this. "I don't care. I've been miserable for almost a year, and I'm not going to pretend like that's going to just go away. It isn't. I want to know if what we have is serious. If not, then I need to walk away, because I'm already hurting enough."

"I love you."

"And I love you. Too much to try and pretend to be what you want me to be. So tell me."

"I can't see a future where we end up together." Silence.

"Does it break your heart even a little to know that?" I asked, wondering if it broke mine.

"No," he admitted.

So I picked up speed and walked away. That was the end of it for me. (Ha, as if I couldn't speed walk in higher heels than that. He really didn't know me at all.)

My feet didn't carry me home, though. They took me to another house that I'd gotten used to being in recent years. I knocked on the door, not sure why I was there or what I would say.

"Lynn, what's up?"

"You asked me if you ever get over your first love, if it ever stops hurting," I said, standing in front of Aubrey. "I still don't know the answer. All that I know is that Viktor and I are over, and I don't know where to go."

She opened the door wider, and I stepped inside.