I never knew

Part 93 // i never knew

In the past 2 weeks, I've only moved 2 places and that is from Taylor's room to sitting outside her room and back. Scooter decided to cancel the tour and the fans luckily understand it well most of them.

Today's the day the nurses said they was going to turn off Taylor's machine if she hasn't made any progress and she hasn't made any progress it made me physically sick knowing Taylor wasn't going to make it. As I sat here on the uncomfortable chair outside Taylor's room with Lexi in my arms with the bags underneath my eyes and tear stained cheeks.

'Mum' I heard a baby voice whisper I looked down and saw Lexi looking up at me smiling.

A tear slid down my face she just said her first word and Taylor missed it. It killed me knowing Lexi was going to grow up not having a mum by her side. Taylor didn't hear her first word. Taylor won't see Lexi take her first step. Taylor won't see Lexi reach 1 year old. Taylor won't be there for Lexi's first day at school. Taylor won't be there seeing Lexi get her first boyfriend.

Taylor won't be there when Lexi needs someone to talk to about girl stuff. Taylor won't be there seeing Lexi graduate.

I looked around seeing Scooter, Yael, Sam, Jasmine, Alfredo and my mum sitting on the chairs I shook my head looking down at the floor.

'You okay?' my mum asked.

'I can't do this' I said handing Lexi over to my mum then got up and walked outside the hospital and started walking.

I looked up at the sky being October the sky was grey and full of white puffy clouds looking like it was going to rain. I shoved my hands into my pockets and continued walking kicking stones along the street. I looked back up at the sky and tried not letting the tears fall.

God why are you doing this to me? Did I ever do something wrong in my 19 years of life that this had to happen? Am I not enough for her and she's getting out the easy way by quitting on me? Did I ever go wrong in the 3 years of our relationship?

'A miracle needs to happen' I whispered to myself as I looked back down at the ground watching my footsteps take over me.

I found a bench I went and sat down putting my head in my hands letting the tears just flow down my cheeks.

I heard someone sit next to me I looked seeing it was Sam.

'You okay?' he asked.

'I can't do it Sam. I really can't'

'I know it's going to be hard Justin. I just came out here to tell you the doctor said they are going to turn the machine off soon. Are you coming back in?' he asked standing up.

'I-I can't I wish I could but I can't. I can't take it knowing that will be the last time I'm going to see her'

'Do you want to live the rest of your life in regret knowing that you didn't go and say goodbye?' he asked I looked up at him then back down his right how could I not go say goodbye to the person who means the world to me as hard as it is going to be I stood up and started walking back to the hospital with Sam.

'Lexi, said her first word today' I said putting my hands in my pockets again.

'I heard. It's painful knowing Taylor isn't going to see Lexi grow up'

'I know. I won't be able to cope when Lexi is starting to get older and she will notice she doesn't have a mum beside her then she'll start asking me questions how am I supposed to tell her, her mum died?' I asked as we walked back into the hospital.

'It is going to be difficult I mean you'se were together for over 3 years and you'se were so close you were boyfriend & girlfriend, best friends, friends all at the same time and you'se even acted like married couples' I looked down at the ground as he said married couples my heart literally ripped out of my chest knowing I wasn't officially ever going to make her mine.