As a child she always felt different; like she didn't fit in with the other kids. While the others played outside, her eyes and mind were caught in a book. It was her escape. She noticed that her thoughts were dissimilar to those of the other children. What they didn't understand, she did. Like many young girls, the media influenced her, as she grew older, despite her mature state of mind. She began to compare herself to the emaciated bodies walking down the runways. "Why don't I look like that?" She thought. At age nine, and already her self-esteem, diminished. However her craving for more information never ceased; she always wanted to learn more. Books remained her prized possessions; they were her only portal to another dimension. where love always triumphed, where the bad guys always lost and where the misunderstood, were eventually comprehended. This was her only option to get away from her own thoughts.
At age eleven she began trying to find herself. It was during this time that she began to thoroughly understand society and its constant deceptions. It was during this age that she felt her worst. During a brief period she saw a possible ray of light, but her timid demeanour ceased its existence. And so went age twelve, thirteen, fourteen and fifteen. Still nothing, the same as it had always been. Everyday, she would grow more weary and broken. Nothing and nobody could convince her of her beauty. She would look back at pictures and grimace.
As for her friends, well there rarely were any. They would come and go. She never minded being alone. "It has always been this way," she would tell herself. There were countless times where she would just cry, cry of loneliness. Who was she kidding saying she didn't mind being alone? Other times she would cry because she felt incompetent, while others were due to her knowledge of the truth. She would think, "I wish I didn't know too much." At the end of the day she would have to mask her feelings.
By the age of sixteen she had managed to perfect this façade that she was this strong girl who didn't let anything influence her. That she could not be shattered. And so she never broke in front of anyone. She made it her duty upon herself to put others' feelings before hers. She did not like the of people being upset. She would always veil her true feeling behind a smile.
Her life really changed in the summer. She met a group of people, all different in their own way. Each with a special quality, each with a goal. Every week they would meet. Here, she was able to truly find her place. She was always eager to go there. This place is where her smile and laugh are genuine. This group of people have become her second family, at least in her eyes. She was able to discover here writing potential.
Alas, had she never entered those doors, she would have never met, him. The one who makes her feel good about herself, each day he erases all the awful perceptions she has about herself. Just one look into his irises and she feels at ease. His smile outshines the mishaps of the day. She cares for him more than he knows.
Today, the girl is slowly accepting herself. Gradually, she's starting to see her full potential and beauty.
All this time, and she has barely realised that she has always been her own bully.
