Bereavement

Chapter 5

"We are gathered here today to honor our fellow fallen Dauntless, who gave their lives fighting to ensure that Chicago would become a better place. In Dauntless, we believe in defending those who cannot defend themselves, and our courageous members demonstrated that during the war."

Cheers and fists rise in the air, but I don't join my former faction. Not all of them died because they were brave, especially the Dauntless-Erudite traitors, who for some reason we still appreciate today. So I don't believe that we should collectively call them valiant, although most of them were I suppose.

I don't know why I am here, standing next to Shauna, Zeke, and Christina and surrounded by a crowd of drunk Dauntless, but I was inclined to come to the Dauntless memorial. Ironically, I am not drinking today, but I regret that decision when people start walking up to the podium set up in the Pit, mulling over their dead loved ones.

I haven't been back to Dauntless since Uriah's funeral, when we spread his ashes in the chasm and shouted his name for the world to hear. I don't like to think about Uriah, because the thought of him is like a kick to my stomach. My guilt for being the indirect cause of his death has not waned.

Uriah, Zeke's little brother who used to crack jokes in gloomy situations to get a smile out of everyone. Uriah, who was always optimistic and kept everyone going, even though he was not happy himself.

The woman at the podium who apparently lost her husband in the war lets out a sob, and I can't handle it anymore. I need to get out of here.

As carefully as I can, I attempt to slip out of the crowd unnoticed, but Shauna notices me and reaches out for my arm.

"Where are you going?" she whispers to avoid disturbing those around us.

I shrug. "To walk around," I mumble back, meeting her eyes for a moment to let her know I am telling the truth.

She nods in understanding and lets go of my arm, and I'm grateful for the reprieve. Shauna hasn't been as controlling or wary of me as Zeke and Christina have been, although Christina is definitely the worst. I'm glad that I still have Shauna as a friend; she has always been accepting of me and tried to help me fit into Dauntless when I transferred. That is something I will always equate with her: her kindness that she has shown me since the beginning.

Christina notices our exchange, and I am already making my way out of the suffocating crowd, but I catch her muttering, "We shouldn't leave him alone like that. What if—"

"Relax, Christina," Zeke scolds her. "You need to stop being so pushy all the time. Give him a break."

Thank God I am not the only one who notices it.

Using my memory, I saunter across the Pit and head towards the pathway that leads to the apartments. I cross the chasm on my way, taking a moment to stare down into its depths, at the water crashing harshly against the rocks. The height is unnerving, and it is enough to make me look away, even though I probably would have thrown myself into it a few days ago. My gaze finds the ledge across from me, the place where Tris and I first kissed, and my chest aches.

With a deep breath, I force myself to move on.

Kicking the pebbles on the pathway, I slowly walk the familiar stone hallways lit by the eerie blue lamps. The air is even colder down here now that it is winter, but I don't really mind. I barely notice where I am walking until I stand in front of my old apartment.

Eyeing the door with a new sense of dread and not even knowing why I am here in the first place, I force myself to twist the doorknob. It is unlocked, of course, because I vaguely remember leaving it like that the last time I was here. Gritting my teeth, I step inside.