bad boy-good girl (christian slater)

entry #5

12:33pm tuesday october 1st 1988

"look at the yearbook page for shelley. here's her suicide note and some pictures we had already taken of her this year. doesn't it look amazing?" a boy asked me as i entered the classroom.

to be honest i thought it was sick that they were using her suicide note, like who does that? well, i guess they do.

"it's amazing. you are very talented." i lied to him, seeing a group of people laughing behind me.

"what's so funny?"

"oh you like you don't know." one of the girls laughs, looking to another girl.

"umm, no i don't know. please inform me."

"you, kurt, and ram had some fun last night." 

"excuse me? what?"

she laughs at me and a boy pulls me out of the room.

"tell me what happened, i would really like to know what i did with ram and kurt last night."

"well, they said they had a party in your mouth last night, if you know what i mean."

"ew, gross. he's going to get his ass kicked."

4:00pm tuesday october 1st 1988

"i can't believe they said that about me. they were too drunk to even walk, let alone... you know."

j.d. couldn't help but laugh at me while we watched the shelley special on tv. i kept on seeing maria popping up.

"damn how many channels did she go to?" j.d. wraps his arm around my shoulder.

"probably every station she could get on, she's kind of full of herself."

"shelley and i were best friends. i'm going to miss her dearly."

"she's so full of shit, she hated you! we all know it!" i yell at the tv as j.d.'s front door opens.

"hello son." j.d. says as his father walks in the door.

"dad." his father says.

"how was school today?"

"it was good, how was work?"

"boring as always."

"are you going to introduce me to your girlfriend dad?"

"oh this is madeline."

"nice to meet you madeline."

"nice to meet you too. but i better get going."

"no please stay for dinner." his father suggests.

"i wouldn't mind that." j.d. says.

"i would but my mom is cooking my favorite tonight, spaghetti with meatballs. i'll see you later." i kiss j.d.'s forehead and wave to him goodbye as i set off to my house which was not far from here.

i walk down the street and approach my house, walking to the backyard where my parents were sitting.

"hello madeline, would you like to tell us why you are late?"

"i was with him. geez." i sit down, putting a napkin over my lap.

"are we ever going to meet this dark horse?"

"i don't know, maybe." i take a bite of pate with a cracker.

"great pate, but i better hustle if i'm going to make it to shelley's funeral."

"but you didn't touch your-"

i walked up to my room and changed into my black dress with a black hat over my head. i apply red lipstick and walk out the door, hearing j.d.'s motorcycle approaching.

"come on, i don't want to be late to the funeral."

"well don't you look fine." he eyes me up and down before i hop on the cycle.

"shut up." i roll my eyes, holding his waist as we back out of the driveway and drive to the church. 

i nearly lost my hat on the way there. but we made it just in time, sitting close to the front. 

i felt awful to be honest, because everyone thought she killed herself when really i murdered her. i should've never went over to her house and it never would have happened. this is really all my fault. but then i start thinking that maybe j.d. was not who i thought he was, maybe he was not a perfect guy for me.

"shelley chandler made a point by saying that just because you are popular does not mean you are happy." the funeral director goes on about how she was a popular, pretty girl for several minutes and then says we are allowed to go up to her casket and say a few words if we would like.

maria, ram, kurt, and edna go before me and as my turn comes, i knew exactly what i wanted to say to her.

i hold my hands together on her casket and look down, saying to myself.

i'm really sorry this happened to you, shelley. i had nothing against you, i knew we said some awful things to each other but i knew we really didn't mean it. i didn't want this to happen, and i did not mean to kill you. i know i'm going to hell but you are going to heaven. no hard feelings right? once again, i'm sorry.

damn, i really needed a cigarette.