Phan Oneshots

To Stare Into the Sun

Dan and Phil broke up years ago, and now Dan is working odd jobs as a pianist. He's in for a shock when he arrives at his latest gig. (3089 words)

Warnings: swearing, alcohol, depression, drinking problems, sexual assault

This one's a sad one! It's a bit of a mess but I hope you'll enjoy it anyways(in an unhappy  way, of course)

Cold. Funny, I never really noticed it before I met him, but now, it is so much more than a fact of life. It is a daily reminder that Phil Lester, the light of my life, will never again  lie next to me and look at me like he was the luckiest man in the world, not realizing how wrong he was. Not realizing how much I would betray him.

It's a small, cheap, bed, much different than the one I had in our apartment. I didn't sleep in it much, it was mostly just a facade for the fans, but that's beside the point. 

My head is pounding, too. I drank far more than I'd like to admit last night. It helps dull the pain, helps bring me back to a time when he was my only addiction. And god, he still isn't out of my system.

I get out of bed with some effort and into the car, being quiet as not to wake my roommate Anthony. I have a gig today, some wedding out in Brighton. They're getting married outside, by the ocean, but one of them insisted on having piano music. 

Phil loved piano music too. Sometimes he would sit beside me on the piano bench, close his eyes, and just watch me play. I told him I was rubbish, but he didn't care. 

I turn on the radio, trying to distract myself. Bad idea. 

Birds flying high

You know how I feel

I switch it off, but it's too late. 

It's 2009, and I'm terrified. It's my first time going so far from home on my own, and I'm about to meet my idol. I pick nervously at my sleeves, looking around. Then I see him, high above most of the crowd, we're both giants.

"Phil?" I ask, walking over to him.

"Dan!" he says, going in as if to hug me but giving an awkward smile instead.

"You're real!" I say, giving a shy smile in return.

We walk back to his apartment. At first, the silence is suffocating. I thought it would be perfect, I had been looking forward to meeting him for months, and now it's not going how I wanted it to at all. 

We get into the cab of an impatient looking guy with dull blue eyes and a permanent irritation about him.

Phil and I got in the back, sitting several feet away from each other, not meeting eyes. The driver turns on the radio, and we both break into song, much to the cabbie's chagrin. He-

Honk! Honk! Some guy behind me is flipping me off because I'm stopped at a green light, so I push down on the gas, leaving the smell of burning rubber behind me. 

God, I'm pathetic. Just some idiot sitting in an intersection thinking about a guy who I should have let go years ago. I can't let go. I'm not sure if I want to.

I'm out of the city now, and the busy streets have given way to fields dotted with sheep. We pass a horse and I laugh thinking about how scared Phil was of them. "I don't trust their hooves," he had defended, laughing, that little pink tongue poking out, those blue eyes crinkling-

No. No more. I take out the map, trying to concentrate all my energy into getting to the gig. I look at myself in the rear view mirror, a complete wreck. My suit is rumpled, my hair a greasy curly mess, my eyes red and swollen.