Numbing Waves

Villanous Game

This isn't about love, not even like.
Not about the flock of birds frantically trying to escape in my stomach.
Not about my admiration for you, not any of it.
This is about dependency.

To truly depend on another is perhaps the most terrifying thought I can muster.
To not survive a single day without the thought of you crossing my mind is shameful.

To a passerby we would seemingly be happy or in love.
But we knew better than to fall into that trap.
We did not even allow ourselves to like one another.
Crushes were forbidden.

This sick game we were playing, did you plan out the ending?
Did you know you would win in one of the most inhumane ways known to man?

I raised myself to be a strong woman.
I prided myself on my immense capability and grounded wits.
But I was not capable to resist you.

Your bed was the softest, your grip was the hardest.
Your kisses were the warmest, your eyes were the coldest.

How dare you drive me home those late nights, making me trust you to make me safe?
How dare you make me incorporate you into my daily schedule?
Make me adjust my life so that I could see you.
Make me take time out of my day so that I could text you.
How dare you make me feel like you needed me too?

All along, I should have noticed your eyes were telling me the truth though your actions enchanted me.

I should have noticed my heart grew warmer for you, and allowed itself a hole shaped just like you.

I was dependent, I think I might've even trusted you.

How villainous of you to play this game and win in this manner.
To provide free drugs to an addict, and then cut off their supply leaving them cold.

How can someone survive that?

However, the blame isn't on you.
I signed a liability waver,
I knew the rules of the game,
And I was the one who cut myself off.

Now I must mend my heart.
Fill this hole you left not with another person,
But with the love I don't feel for myself.