Numbing Waves

Social

Im sitting close the the wall. There's a party in front of me. Laughter, conversation and music thickens the air. The room is dim, but not dark enough to hide my face. I'm staring at a generously decorated table. I must look so sad.

I can feel them sneaking glances at me, wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. The last time I had stood up I was stopped by a man who asked me "what are you eating? You look so fat!"

I was lost in deep thought when a woman walked up to me in my seat. She said something but I didn't understand her.

"W-what?" I questioned her. She repeated her sentence and I forced a smile and gathered my things. She wanted my seat for some reason, as of there weren't any others. "Give up your seat to the elderly" the saying goes. But this is a party, does that rule even apply here?

I stood up quickly, my hands jittering while trying to clutch my side bag and my water bottle. Sadly my open bag flipped over and all of the contents fell out, clanging against the floor. Everyone turned to look at me. I quickly scooped up what I could, paying extra attention to grab the small flowery container. I'm sure I left some things on the floor but my eyes began to cloud.

I walked through the crowd and directly into the bathroom. I needed a moment to breathe. I can't breathe. I dig through my small purse for my flowery container, the same one I've been fiddling with since I found it last week.

I stared into my own eyes. Perhaps I had some last words, anything at all to convince me not to relapse. There was nothing but pleading for a gateway drug. But I don't have a gateway drug. I have 600 milligrams of painkillers.

A few days ago at therapy I told my psychotherapist I might relapse. She tried to find me another clutch. I told her Ive been trying so hard not to. It crosses my mind every three minutes. Three minutes, 46 seconds. I held it in my hand.

It's not enough.

I used to overdose just to get through the day. If I take this pill I'm opening the door to my own personal hell. But I need something. I need anything. I don't want to dissociate, but I can't be here. I can't do this. They're everywhere. The people are always around. Always talking, always touching, always staring. I can't get away. They blend in so seamlessly and I stand out like a sore thumb. I'm not in any way antisocial. I have severe social anxiety.

My denied medication from my psychiatrist, but now I wish I hadn't. I wouldn't have to lean on this measly 600 milligram pill if I had actual medicine to help me.

The door knob turned. Someone was trying to get in. I quickly swallowed the pill and took a swig of my water. I felt a wall break inside of me. I didn't feel any better. I feel like a failure. They fumbled with the locked knob for s while before giving up.

"I need something stronger." I muttered.

Do you know what happens when you take painkillers without needing them? I don't. I know how it affects my mood but not what it actually does to your body. All I know is that it deteriorates your organs and it makes you feel really shitty when you overdose.

I stumbled out of the bathroom, my hands still shaking.

"Are you okay?" My sister asked. I couldn't even fake a smile this time. I shook my head yes and quickly looked away. Everyone around me noticed. I wonder what they must've thought. I made my way to the back room where my phone was charging. I had to walk through the giant crowd. They all watched me as I tried to slip away.

This party should be bigger, they would notice me less.

I grabbed my phone and hastily unlocked it. I wanted to tell someone about how I was feeling, I had to get it off my chest. I opened my messages and the realization struck me. I don't have anyone to tell. My closest friends were in a good mood, I didn't want to burden them. My best friend wasn't really my best friend anymore, I'd grown apart from him. My "boyfriend" wasn't ever around anymore, I wouldn't even say we were dating. Every other acquaintance I didn't know well enough to pour my heart upon. So I'm writing this. If no one will listen, at least I will.

The painkiller was beginning to put a strain on my heart. It felt like it was getting pulled apart, each breath came with a slight pain. My shoulder and my neck muscles are tensing up to painful levels. I can't even control it.

A woman who talks too loud came into the back room where I sat.

"They're singing happy birthday." She said. I nodded to her to respond back. I suppose I should step out. As I watched my nephew gleefully stand behind his birthday cake posing for pictures I didn't feel the urge to smile. I knew deep down stable me would be cheerily taking pictures, not wanting to miss the moment.

The man from earlier me stood behind me. It seems he wasn't done insulting me. He didn't even bother leaning to my mother's ear. He just blurted it out, im sure many more people heard this time.

"Your daughter is very big wow. She's so wide. I think she's the widest one of your daughters. Even wider than your oldest daughter. She let herself go." My mother's eldest daughter was the mother of my nephew. I grit my teeth and resisted the urge to turn around and punch him in the face.

"Yes, she's always been very thick all over. My middle daughter is stick thin but my youngest and oldest are fat. She's getting fatter, yes. She eats a lot of snacks." My mom agreed with him.

I looked up to the ceiling to try and stop the tears pooling in my eyes from falling. I used to have body image issues. They were intense. But luckily through a lot of work I've been able to learn to love myself. Yes, I am thick. I definitely have meat on my bones. But today I am dressed in heels, boyfriend jeans, and a flowy top that doesnt show my figure. I exercise five days a week and play sports. I eat snacks often but for the most part I only eat two meals a day. I am a model. Ive had to lose a lot of weight. I know fat is an adjective but for someone who was abused as a child for being bigger than her sisters, the words couldn't help but sting me. Even as a child, I wasn't obese. I was chubby, I had a baby fat. But that weight practically melted off with puberty and my being active.

He barely knew me. How dare he? As soon as they stopped singing I b-lined for the backroom again.

Fuck, I shouldn't have taken that pill. I can barely breathe. I need more if I want to feel nothing. Well, when you overdose, you do feel a sinking feeling in your stomach. It's not guilt or an emotion, it's an actual sinking and nauseating feeling. But everything seems to move in slow motion. The noise around you is drowned out. You dissociate completely from your body. It takes me a long time to remember Im inside of a human body. But moving your limbs feels heavy and surreal. It's like holding a giant teddy on top of you and moving its arms. It doesn't feel like they're yours, but you're watching them move from your point of view. I once overdosed and walked into first period. I stared at the wall for 45 minutes. I could feel everyone around me watching me even though I didn't even have the strength to turn my head to look around the room. I caught my teacher worriedly glancing at me while she was in front of me in my peripheral vision. My mouth was dry. The bell rung. I stumbled out of first period and suddenly it was the end of the day and time to head home. That was one of the most severe dissociations I've ever had. The rest of the day was completely blank, I had time traveled.