Numbing Waves

I Had A Good Day Today

Sometimes, it's late at night and the negative thoughts are easy to push away.

It only takes you an hour of tossing and turning before you finally fall asleep.

You might even wake up in a good mood.

No anxiety as you get dressed and watch the clock signaling you're late.

You even hug your mother whom triggers you goodbye.

You're wearing that daring outfit you finally felt confident enough to wear. You never once stop to think about how other perceive you, but rather about how good you feel.

And everyone you encounter says something along the lines of

"Wow, you're actually smiling, I haven't seen that in a while."

And you stop and talk to them and can give them genuine compliments. They're not afraid to talk to you because you're not you're not your usual "moody" self.

Later that day you don't have to stress about your homework cause you've already finished it.

You act out a play before class in a park with your friend. Again, you're smiling. You don't care everyone can hear you talk in your silly voice or laughing.

You're having real good luck - even though you don't believe in luck - cause nothing bad has happened so far.

You walk home and talk on the phone with your bestfriend who you haven't seen all day. He prefers you call him everyday when you're going home, because he knows you. He knows your diagnosis. Even he thinks you're okay.

Then you're at home and enjoy some time alone. Binge watch episodes of your favorite show and talk to people whose texts make you laugh.

Your bestfriend is checking up on you.

Your smile flutters but doesn't fade. You don't reply.

Then your mother has come home and your anxiety doesn't even start up.

So far you haven't had any anxiety attacks, anxious feelings, depressive thoughts, mania behaviors, incontrolable mood swings, self harmed or suicide attempts.

It's a good day.

Then it's 11:38 PM and you force yourself to eat dinner.

You look at the half empty tiny bowl of food and begin crying. The tears streaming down your face and uncontrollable sobs.

It takes every single muscle in your body not to get up and head to the kitchen drawer where the knives lay.

"Why?" You ask yourself.

Why are you crying? We've been having the best day. Why do you want to hurt yourself? Nothing has happened.

Like a swift punch to the stomach every feeling comes flowing it. You vacuum in every negative thought you would have normally had today, every crippling feeling, every desire to die.

You soak it all in quickly like a sponge and you sit next to your tiny bowl heavy and soggy.

Only then do you reply to your bestfriend,

"Yeah I'm fine. I had a really good today."