Player vs. Player II

Chapter Twenty (20)

"Wow, so you're really going through with this?" Elaine asked as she pulled up to the front of my house.

"I guess so. I mean, it's either now or never." I sigh, making no effort to leave the car.

"Ok, so let me get this straight. I tell you a dozen times to tell Cam about this and you ignore me but some magical psychologist bartender comes into the picture and you decide to let go. How do we even know he really has a bachelor's degree in this? I want to see credentials!" Elaine said, her voice laced with annoyance. She crossed her arms and turned around, facing away from me. I rolled my eyes.

"It's nothing to do with him, Elaine. I--I just was fed up with all the emotional baggage and now I just want done. He just gave me a little push. Trust me, throughout this whole thing all I saw was your annoying little head going, 'Tell Cam.'" I grinned when she turned around. This time she was the one to roll her eyes. She looked at me as if studying me for a moment and leaned back into her seat.

"What about Keith? Are you done with him? Like seriously done."

"I don't---"

"Alex. No. I've been a really bad friend before, and now I need to fix this." Elaine looked very serious and that concerned me. I could count the number of times Elaine had ever been serious on one hand.

"What are you talking about, Elaine?" I questioned.

"Ever since we were sixteen and Keith dumped you, it did something to you, Alex. I guess you wanted to subconsciously prove to yourself that you could do to other boys what Keith did to you. It wasn't fair to those other boys at all first of all because they never hurt you. I didn't say anything, of course, we were young and having fun. Then Daniel--you hurt him because of Keith and now you're repeating the same cycle with Cam. You have literally never let go. It's been seven years since Keith did this to you. You're twenty-four.

"Like Jesus Christ Alex, learn to let go! He hurt you once, he hurt you again and he's going to hurt you now! I'm saying this because I'm your friend: you are stupider than a bag of shit. Watching this is like rereading the same book and expecting the ending to change: not gonna happen. So please, do everyone a favor and respect yourself." Elaine took a large intake of air as I sat there, staring at her mouth agape and completely speechless.

None of it was false. I did go through a stream of boys after my breakup with Keith, although I hadn't quite linked them to Keith and I did sacrifice my relationship with Daniel for him, though completely untentional.  And as Elaine mentioned now, here I was sacrificing my relationship with Cam to be with Keith. I was most likely going to come out that house single because the odds were not in my favor. I didn't realize I was crying until Elaine gave me a tissue.

"I'm sorry, Danny says I need a filter between my brain and my lips. I guess he's right." she laughed weakly. I laughed and shook my head.

"No--you're right. I'm an idiot."

"Look, I see it one of two ways. Either go to Keith and stick with him, faults and all or get on with your life and completely forget about him. Anyways, are you ready to go in there?" Elaine asked, her bright green eyes looking past me and into the lighted house behind us.

"More ready than I'll ever be. Thanks for picking me up and dropping me here Elaine. I don't say this nearly as enough but you're a great friend."

"Of course I am. Call me when this is over, yeah?"

"Definitely." I smiled and stepped out the car. I waved one last time before the car roared away and took a large deep sigh. Now or never. I searched in my bag for my keys, took another deep sigh, and opened the door. I heard Cam's faint voice in the living room. I followed the voice and found him feet up on the couch looking at something intently on his laptop as he conversed on the phone.

"Hey Cam," I greeted, letting my presence known. Cam put up his pointer finger to me and nodded at the phone. 

"Hey look, I'll call you back....okay, bye. Thanks again." 

"We need to talk," I blurted before Cam could even hang up the phone. I needed to get this over with.

"Yeah, we do," Cam said, calmly putting his phone on this table next to the couch and looking at me with disappointed eyes. Oh shit. "So where have you been? Did you see him again? Was this before or after you threatened my mom?"

My eyes closed. I couldn't physically do or say anything. I couldn't even say I didn't deserve this.

"I mean it's one thing to go behind my back, but to threaten my mom. You know I almost didn't believe her, I didn't want to.. until she sent me these," he turned his laptop around so I could see the screen and there they were. All the pictures I'd dreaded would come into Cam's sight. "So, is there anything you wanna say?"

"I," my mouth was dry. My forehead was hot and I couldn't see clearly anymore. "I'm sorry, it was an accident."

"The first things out of your mouth and they're both bullshit. First, don't feed me that 'I'm sorry' bullcrap because we both know you're far from sorry. If anything, you're just sorry your plan to keep this from me backfired. And second, how is cheating on someone an accident? How does his dick accidentally wind up in your vagina? Please, tell me because that's a story I wanna hear." Cam leaned forward as he folded his hands under his chin.

Several moments past with me just looking at the floor.

I fucked up. I fucked up. 

"Well, since your creative juices seem to be running on low, how about you explain how this happened? How long have you been going behind my back."

"The--uh--the day after our engagement," my voice was so small and fragile I barely recognized it as my own. Fuck, I couldn't breathe. I needed air. "His name is Keith, he's my ex-boyfriend from high school. I made some stupid decisions and I didn't mean to, I really didn't, but we didn't really quite end things the last time we were together so I guess harboring feelings took over."

I looked up for the first time since I saw the pictures and the amount of pain attached to Cam's face shattered whatever strength was left of me and I collapsed on the arch of the door, holding my knees as I hid my face.

"The day after our engagement?" Cam's voice had shrunk as well and tears just started flowing out my eyes. My body shook, and I refused to look up. "So you didn't have any feelings for me at all then?"

My head swung up, "Of course I did! I still do!"

"No, you didn't. Do you know what love is, Alex? You can hardly define it but it's when someone  else comes before you. A mother, without hesitation, would risk their life if it meant their child would be safe from harm. That's because her child comes before her. That's love, putting someone else's feelings and well being before your own."

There was another heavy moment of silence before Cam finally got up and walked over to where I was. "Can I have the ring back, please?" he asked, hand outstretched. With a heavy uncompleted, shaky sigh I removed my ring and placed my engagement ring in his hand and watched as he put it in his pocket. It was the first time that evening I noticed his hands and realized he had already removed his engagement ring as well.

"Look, do you have someplace to sleep tonight?" Cam asked, putting both his hands in his pocket and averting his eyes.

"Yeah, I can stay over at Elaine's."

"Great, come get your clothes and stuff when you can."

I picked myself up and nodded. I walked out the living room, into the hallway and opened the door before I stopped and turned around. "Cam, I know you don't believe me and you don't want to hear it but I really am sorry. I guess in my head I'm still the stupid immature seventeen year old I always was. I wish you the best of luck and I'm sorry again for all the hurt I caused you." I looked at him for a reaction but he just looked at me with a blank expression, eyes void of any and all emotion. I nodded at him despite the lack of response and walked out his life.