Fall Back On Me {Haylor}

Cuddle Me In-Chapter 37

Chapter 37

For the days leading up to the surgery, I haven't exactly been up to par for much. Instead, we just went for picnics if we wanted to go outside and stayed inside and watched netflix if we wanted to stay inside. I had kept up with my writing still whether I'd write a days notes and bring it the next day to put it with the rest or just write it there. These last few days are huge to my life and to not write about it would hardly be a crime. As much as I would say that I was ready, confident even, I was a mess. I'd find myself crying into my pillow at night just to be embraced by Harry at my side. He'd hold me and stroke my hair and whisper sweet nothings to calm me down until I eventually fell asleep again. The sobs were painful, some made my side ache, the side that I got countless shots in the past month or two.

The dreams were worse though, the ones that haunted me day and night of Harry remarrying after I don't make it, him having kids without me. The other ones that were far fetched but all could happen, they haunt me until I've drenched one side of the bed in sweat. I wake up screaming periodically to which Harry would simply do the same technique of calming me down, usually singing me to sleep works the best. I don't want to stress him out more than he is already, between the band and me, he's about ready to pull his hair out. Luckily, around me he doesn't do that, he keeps a clear mind and keeps me under control. I've seen him behind closed doors though, when he just agrees to go get his wallet to get food for dinner and when he does, I see him walking into the bedroom with his fingers gripping onto each lock in frustration.

I'm frustrated with myself more than anything because I caused this. Harry doesn't deserve the extra stress from the threats from his management that threaten to kick him from the band. Harry claims that it's not that big of deal, he'll go solo if they do and continue on. I don't believe him through, those are his best friends and that band is where everything took shape. Its with them that he made it big, where his dreams took place. He doesn't want to leave them but he would for me, and that's what scares me the most.

We're on the couch, watching a movie on netflix, or was. Harry fell asleep what seems like an hour ago. My eyes fall to his sleeping figure lying limply in my lap, he smiles in his sleep. Probably having sweet dreams, ones that flow with our future that run parallel roads with mine except mine runs going the opposite way, the way that leads to nightmares. I wish I could have a good dream, at least once since the surgery. Everytime I try to I end up with more unforeseen wounds to bind. The only songs that really get me nowadays is Fix A Heart by Demi Lovato and Look After You by the Fray and I listen to them on repeat.

Maybe I'm trying too hard to get better, to have that perfect future with Harry that I'm not living in the moment. I'm looking forward, which isn't always bad but right now, I'm not so sure. My fingers absent-mindedly fiddle with Harrys' curls out of habit, they act as a thought motivator, even when he's fast asleep. I don't blame him for sleeping, it's like midnight and he's been doing so much for me lately. He's probably exhausted. I know I won't be sleeping tonight, despite how tired I am for an unknown reason. I haven't done anything due to doctors orders. Maybe it's just because I'm tired of the treatments, the chemo that are diminishing my once pretty thick hair, or just the thought of not being healthy like I've always been. Just a few months ago, I was healthy, the picture of health. That just tells you how fast things change, almost in a blink of an eye. They stopped chemo though since the surgery came through and I'm just on a medicine that tastes like acid. It's way too strong and has a orange flavor and you have to let it sit on the back of your throat before swallowing. It makes me gag but not on just the smell or appearance.

"Thanks." I whisper against his curls before placing a kiss. He doesn't stir which was my intention to keep him asleep. To thank him is the least I could do. He's done way too much for me that is repayable in any way. He's my guardian angel to say the least.

He looks peaceful asleep, hair tousled over onto the side he's laying with his cheeks a light pink. His protection definitely matches his features that only add up to nothing short of angelic. My other hand curls under the bottom hem of his t-shirt to meet his steaming skin, gently rubbing his back. He stirs this time, turning on his side with a raspy groan. His eyes half open as he forces a sleepy smile at me.

"What time is it?" he grumbles, pushing his head into my chest with another groan. I laugh, resituating myself so I can rest my chin on the top of his head.

"Midnight. I'm sorry I woke you up, I didn't mean to," I whisper softly as he scoots closer than possible against my body. I whimper. "Har.."

"Too close?" He mumbles against my collarbone, creating a red mark from his kisses. I nod and he scoots back a little but not by much, just enough so I can release an uneasy breath.

"Do you want to go to sleep in the actual bed?" I murmur as he trails his path of kisses up my neck. I'm reluctant to get up but I hear myself ask that. This is somewhat comfortable so I don't think I'll be getting up whether he agrees to it or not.

"I don't want to move. Couch is fine with me." He mutters against my skin. I lower myself enough so he takes the place of a pillow and rest my head up against his chest. I can feel his heart pulse under my ear, vibrating it through my senses.

"Okay," I manage to get off before snuggling up into his chest, legs crossing eachothers with my hands resting balled-up on his chest. I fall asleep like that, to the rhythmic sound of Harrys' heartbeat and the soothing motion of his breathing.

•

I wake to the sound of Harrys' singing voice, to what sounds like a distinctly familiar song.

"You'll be alright

No one can hurt you now

Come morning light

You and I'll be safe and sound."

I prop myself up with one arm, rubbing my eye with the other to adjust to the blurriness. Harry sits on the opposite couch in baggy basketball shorts that flop way below his knees, staring intently at the guitar. He was learning the chords to it, I was actually teaching him. He pauses and readjusts his fingers and tests the line again. He doesn't notice me watching I don't think.

"Drag out the 'sound'," I critique, smiling teasingly at him. He glances up quickly, a smirk quickly arising on his lips. "it'll go like 'sooound'." I drag it out.

"Oh really? You play it if you think you're so good," He holds the guitar out to me willingly.

"Well I wrote it so I should know how it goes," I laugh.

I get up, stretch, and make my way around the coffee table and sit on the adjoining couch next to him.

"Just strum here, here, and... here." I point to different chords on it, directing him. "so it'll go,

You'll be alright,

No one can hurt you now

Come morning light,

You and I'll be safe and sound."

I sure hope so.