Love Peoms

XIII

Chapter 13- Hurt

I dreaded going to school today. I couldn't see Corban, not after I read that letter. When I was walking to my first class, I was shoved into a locker.

"Fuck you Zoe!" His friend Jonas yelled as I hit the locker. "Why would you write a horrible poem about him then give it to him?!" He angrily walked away.

Shit Bree gave that poem to Corban this morning. I went to my first class and of course, Corban was in it. He was in a lot of my classes. 

During first period, he would periodically glare at me. When I would look over at him, he looked dead inside. He looked as if he felt nothing. I couldn't take in anymore. I feel so bad. 

I got up and went to my teacher.

"I need to talk to Corban in private, it's an emergency." I asked the teacher frantically.

"Why can't you do it after class?"

"Please, it's urgent."

"Okay go ahead."

I went over to Corban's desk and pulled him out into the hallway.

"Corban, I didn't mean to give you that poem." My eyes watered.

Corban didn't say anything, he just stared at the ground with a blank expression on his face.

"Please, I'm so sorry. I don't know why I'm so stupid." A tear slipped out of my eye. "Corban I'm worried about you." Finally multiple tears escaped my eye.

"Zoe I'm scared." He whispered out.

"Why?" I wiped my eyes.

"I can't fell anything. I can't feel emotions like sadness or anger." Tears slipped from his eyes.

"Oh my God Corban." I burst out crying.

"What did you do to me Zoe?" He finally looked up. 

"No, no, no" I repeated as I slid down the wall and put my head into my hands.

"I'm broken, I can't function anymore." 

I continued to cry into my hands. I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to let out everything that was building up. I stood up. We looked at each other for a few seconds. I faced the wall.

"I said I was sorry!" I yell at I punched the wall and made a slight dent. "Do you not know what a fucking apology is?! God damn it Corban! I love you! I always have and I always will!" 

I looked at him for a few seconds and walked away. I decided just to ditch the rest of the day. I went outside and down to a little creek near our school.

As I walked, I just cried to myself. I made this mess and I can't clean it up. When I got to the creek, I sat on a rock and put my head into my hands. I fucked everything up. I found someone I was in love with and I fucked it up. Yes I have Bree but it's not the same.

After an hour of crying, I went to my house. For the rest of the day, I just sat in my room and cried. 

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When my mom got home from work, she came into my room.

"Hey I got a phone call from your school. They said you went to your first class but you didn't go to the rest. Your first period teacher said you went out into the hall to talk to Corban but you never came back. Is everything okay?

"Yea." I gave her a short answer.

"Give me your phone." She was mad at me.

"Why!?" I snapped.

"You skipped school! I can't let that go!"

"Fine! Take everything while you're at it! I have nothing to loose!" I slammed my phone into her hand.

"What has gotten into you!" She walked out of my room and closed my door.

I couldn't take this stress anymore! I need something to take it out on, something to relieve this pain! I went over to my desk and grabbed a craft knife. 

Tears poured out of my eyes as I dragged the blade along my smooth skin. What was I doing? Why was I doing this? The blood pooled above the fresh cuts I had just made. I stared at my arm for a while, not crying or saying anything. 

After a few minutes, I went to the bathroom and washed off the blood. More and more blood kept pooling and I had just realized what I had done. I went to the cabinet and pulled out some gauze to wrap my arm so the blood would stop. 

I washed off my arm once again and wrapped my arm with the gauze. I had made a good 8 cuts into my arm. As I stared at bloody gauze wrapped around my arm, I promised myself to never do this again. My arm stung but I liked it. I felt a lot better.

I went back into my room and laid down on my bed. I stared at my ceiling while breathing deeply to relieve myself. I closed my eyes and heard my breathing. 

What was I doing with myself? Why would I hurt myself like that?

"Zoe." I heard my mom say as she opened the door.

I instantly sat up. 

"I saw your messages to Corban." Before she said anything else, she looked at my arm. "What the hell!"

My eyes open wide and I try to hide in behind my back. She rushed over to me and grabbed my arm to inspect it.

"It's nothing!" I yell.

"Why? Why would you hurt yourself?" Her face showed a worried expression. "Why is Corban mad at you?"

"Mom, leave me alone."

"Talk to me, I need to know whats wrong."

"Mom, I screwed up." Tears fell from my eyes. "I kissed Bree mom."

"You what?" Tears slipped from her eyes as well. 

"I kissed Bree and Corban saw. I'm dating Bree now. I told Corban I was sorry. I miss him so much, mom I miss him." I cried into her shoulder.

"Oh Zoe." She comforted me.

"I'm sorry mom, I wont ever hurt myself again. I don't know what I was thinking."

"I think you need to talk to your counselor, this is serious." 

"I don't want to mom." I continuously cried.

"You have to. Please do it, it will help."

"I wanna go to bed" I sat up and wiped my eyes.

"Go ahead honey. Get some sleep. We can talk about this tomorrow."

"Okay. I love you."

"I love you too. Leave your door open" 

My mom left but did not close my door. I sighed and started unmaking my bed so I could fall asleep. 

I got positioned in the blankets so I was comfortable. I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep. Thank God my anxiety didn't keep me from sleeping. 

I feel awful about this whole situation, I need to find a way to fix it.