Criticize the Lullaby (Cashby)

Chapter 12

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'll do a recap as the next chapter for those of you who don't think you can get through it. It's detailed self harm and I don't want any of you being triggered by it if you can't handle it so please, do not read this if you are unsure if you can handle it. If you have the slightest doubt that you can't push through or you can't handle yourself please do not read this. Your safety is important to me. Just don't do it if you think you can't. And comment so I know how many of you can't or won't read it. It doesn't even have to be words just a symbol or a letter or something so I know if I can do this again in the fic if that's where it goes. If I can't I'll fade it out and just leave hints of it, but if it's a lot of you, then I won't because I don't want you to miss full chapters over it. I love you, stay strong, jeep pushing forward. As of today I'm back to one week clean. I understand. But this is a way for me to get it out because I have the urge again. And writing it helps, so I'm sorry if you miss this chapter but there will be a recap. Of the important stuff. Or maybe I'll just re work it, but probably just a recap. I apologize.

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Sitting in his car in silence as rain poured down hard, sounding like a flood of pebbles rolling down a hill, he counted the rings it took for Oliver to answer his phone. One... Two... Three... Fo- "aus?" although he had answered austin didn't respond. He sat there controlling his breathing and trying to sort out the mess in his mind. "Austin wants the matter? I can hear you..." it's actually pretty pathetic that Austin's been on the brink of crying all the time because of this. The smallest things upset him so much, and this... This was no way near something small. What just happened back there is quite the opposite. "Austin what's going on? Where are you?" Austin gripped the steering wheel and his phone to stop his hands from shaking, and wasn't very successful seeing as his phone was still quivering against his ear.

"I'm in my car. I'm not... I... I just talked to Alan. He uhh... I..." he was stammering, unsure of what to say, and if he was even allowed to talk about this with Oliver. Austin went silent.

"Austin what happened?" Oliver's voice was laced with sadness as he knew that it more than likely didn't go well if Austin was talking to him now like this. "do you want me to come over?"

Austin nodded and then realized he couldn't see him. Obviously. "would you?" he didn't want to ask too much of Oliver, he didn't want to be too needy, or need to be taken care of. But he needs something, he needs someone to help him make sense of this all even though he knew what it all meant.

"of course I'll be over as son as I can. Be safe."

He knew that it was his fault.

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Alan was forced to walk in the pouring rain 6 blocks all the way home. Sure he could have easily called Mel to come pick him up but he needed time to think about this. He needed time to try and sort himself out. He needed time to act like he was in a crappy, messed up romance movie where the main characters fight all the time even though they're best friends and then Realize that they're in love with each other. Except this movie wouldn't have that happy ending. They wouldn't end up together. This movie wasn't even a movie, it was his fucked up life. Alan knew that he should have put his zip-up under his leather but he didn't. Why couldn't he listen to himself ever? He could have avoided Austin seeing his scars, and he could have avoided being drowned by the sky. But no, Alan never listens.

He was lucky for one thing though. It was almost 4:30 which Melanie would be leaving for work, and he could be alone for the night. He could do whatever he wanted. He could do whatever he needed. And he knew what he wanted. He knew hat he needed. He knew he was breaking their rule. But let's be real, who the fuck cared?