Criticize the Lullaby (Cashby)

Chapter Nine

-Austin's pov-
I actuall don't know what had happened, or how it managed to get here, but I actually didn't care. Alan would never feel the same about me as I did about him, but I can't keep going in the foggy state that I have been. I can't keep going this way. I can't. I can't keep sleepwalking. I'm barely here as it is most the time, it's /like/ I'm sleepwalking. I feel like I'm at the edge of the world and I'm walking on the edge of a clif. The voices in my head whisper to me and tell me to jump, that I have to, that it's the only way to get over him. That I need to jump to Oliver. But if I did I don't know what would happen. I don't want to loose myself in this... It's too much, but I can't keep sleepwalking, I can't keep asking myself if I'd rather sink or swim, or if I'd like to just simply disappear. I don't actually know what I want right now, but I know it isn't Alan anymore. I mean of course I want him, but I know I can't have him and it's not fair but I have to buck the fuck up and handle myself. But if I can't, at least I know Oli can...

He's been handling me pretty well considering I was an ass to him on the phone when I thought he was Alan. Also considering that I had been sobbing all over him just a short time ago and telling him everything. He just sat there and took it, he listened. But his eyes, they weren't filled with the pity I had expected, but instead with care and compassion. That's what made me stop being the wreck of a man that I was right then. That's what made me realize that I wasn't the only one hurting over this, because Oliver's eyes, they told me that he didn't want me like this and that it was hurting him to see how pained I was... And right then was when it kind of fell apart on me I guess... Because when I saw that in his eyes I couldn't help it and I don't know why but I just leaned forward and kissed him right then and there, and to my surprise he kissed me back. That's how we got... To this...

-Third persons POV-
Oliver was laid down on the couch under Austin, his hand pressed flat against the taller of the twos chest and the other around the back of his neck, seeming to keep Austin where he was as their lips ever so slowly moved together in a harmony that almost felt like they've done this before. Although they hadn't. Had they? No, it feels like such a new thing to both of them.

Of course Oliver wasn't openly gay, he was almost positive he was strait, almost. Almost positive. There'd been a few times where there'd been a guy and he just let it happen, he more than let it happen rather, and one might dare to call him flexi-sexual because of it. But we all know things happened sometimes... And this of course /was/ one of those times, even though he couldn't help but feel a little bad about it. More than a little though given Austin's previous state of sobbing and not being able to completely form words between his broken up breaths.

Frankly, Austin didn't care though. He needed something and he needed it now. He didn't want to feel empty, he didn't want to feel broken, he didn't want to be left alone even though Oliver was here with him. However, deep down he knew this wasn't /exactly/ what he wanted, but that was way, way, /way/ deep down. But with every slight movement, every gentle sigh that passed between him and Oli, he cared less and less. It was like the intoxication of alcohol; He really didn't care any longer.

Somewhere along the way shirts had disappeared, and Austin's lips ghosted down along Oli's neck, giving him shivers as the hot breath hit his cool skin. Then even further down, leaving love bites and hickeys behind accompanied by the hitching Oli's breath, and his light groans when Austin tugged at his skin. All of a sudden though, and a bit too soon, Austin's lips were back against Oliver's, but this time it wasn't slow and sweet. This time it was needy and filled with hunger that wasn't there before. This time it was Austin's hands sliding down Oli's torso. This time it was Austin pulling the leather from Oli's belt through the metal clasp. This time it was Oli gasping and snapping back to himself and stopping his dear friend from making a mistake that he'd regret.

Oli didn't want to be a one time thing for Austin. He didn't want to be the rebound to a relationship that didn't even exist. Mostly though, he didn't want to take advantage of Austin.

-Austins POV-
Oliver gasped for air as if he were going to die and he had pushed me back, not hard, but enough to realize that he wanted me to stop. "what's... I... O-... Oliver?"

"Austin we can't. Not like this, you're a wreck"

"well thank you for that..." Oliver looked up at me with apology in his eyes. "I know, that's not how you meant it..." I closed my eyes and hung my head so I couldn't see him.

"Austin look at me" he said as he gently pulled my chin up and met my lips with his "that's actually exactly how I meant it" he murmured as he broke the kiss and put his forehead against mine. "I'm not saying I don't want to do this with you, I'm not, but I don't want to take advantage of you, I know tha' somewhere in that head of yours you've still got Alan on your mind."

"I don't care" I said, maybe a bit too quick, "he doesn't care so why should I?"

"Austin I know you don't mean that, I know that your madly in love with him, I know you can't 'ave him, I know it hurts. I do. But I'm not gonna try to push myself into your head too. 'ts not right, an' it's not fair. Not just to you but to me too."

He was right... It wasn't fair to him, it wasn't fair to me, but I still didn't care I just wanted him andi wanted to keep him here with me forever. "I'm sorry oli" I got off him and walked over to the front door to retrieve my phone "how's pizza sound?"

He looked at me with weary eyes, " 'ts not that shitty $5 hot an ready crap is it?"

"god no, dominos, extra large Brooklyn style double cheese pizza." he looked at me with big eyes the flicked them over to the pizza boxes on the floor, then back at me kind of confused and worried "yeah uhh... Yeah..."

"well damn are you fucking the pizza boy?" he said as he gestured to all 9 of the boxes on the floor.

"maybe..." giving a sly look I turned to switch the porch light on and turned around just in time to see him burst into laughter and All I could do was laugh and start dialing the number for doms. "hey fire up Netflix and we can watch whatever" he nodded, and I called.

~heh hey, Carlile, my favorite customer, what'll it be?

"the usual" I responded to the store owner

~oh don't tell me that you're still all alone, do I have to call young Bryan in to come watch new girl with you again?

Oh so he knew about that... Oops. "yeah I'm real sorry about that... And no ive got a... friend... over"

~oh ho ho is that so?

I could practically hear him wiggling his eyebrows up and down at me "no no its not...." I looked over at oli, who was flipping through the genres at the Netflix home screen on my tv "it's not entirely like that Julio" (A/N: yes I know his name is Julio so funny right?) and out of the corner of my eye I could see Oli's slight blush creep across his cheeks. "no no, it's not... Hey uhh... How much is it again? You'd figure I'd know by now hah"

~on the house tonight austeen

"no no I couldnt!"

~oh yes you can, it'll be over in 20 minutes is alright?

"yeah that's no problem thanks so much!" as i hung up I could hear him start to yell something to the back and I laughed to myself

"waut?" oli looked over at me smiling

"nothing what are we watching then?" I looked at the black screen a bit confused and sat down next to him.

"it's called truth or die. It's a good movie, from across the pond" he said that last part as an afterthought I'm sure, but I'm a bit Curious about the movie.

This is so much better than sitting alone.

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I'm sorry that is is so late :[