Forgotten - Queenie Goldstein

Chapter 20 - An ever-flowing stream

Life goes on. At least it's supposed to. It's an ever-flowing stream. But right now it's my tears that are the ever-flowing stream. Dumbledore doesn't mind though even though he stopped crying time ago with 3 deep shaking breaths. Time though time is another ever-flowing stream and nothing stops it. Not time travel really either because in that situation existence is still linear just in a different 'era'.
I don't know how long we sit as I cry desperate devastated tears but eventually Dumbledore stands and gestures for me to follow him as he approaches a curious golden stand. But the stand is nothing to the red and gold beauty they perches on it. A Phoenix and a majestic one at that. I don't know when I stop crying but it happens and I don't really regret it. Dumbledore knew what this would do for me and he was right. Fawkes is beautiful and I wouldn't cry like that with him.
At some point when we are crowed round the glorious bird Dumbledore brings the conversation back to Jacob. This time though I can still talk. I tell him how we met and what I thought and about that night and about cocoa and the fear of being obliviated I saw in his eyes. Rescuing him and Newt and Tina then finding the last beasts and arriving at the train station just in time to see Credence get attacked and hearing Seraphina telling us about wiping memories and including Jacob. Him walking out into the rain and me following him and that last final glorious kiss.
My heart feels lighter when I finish but Jacob is still there and a huge part of me. But there is more to me than that and that's what I need to remember. Newt was right. Speaking to Dumbledore helped. But that doesn't mean Jacob is just a person in my past. I may consider moving on but he is so much more than just my ex. He means a lot to me and that's why I'm going to try and get over him and move on. Because I'm sure that's what he would want. If he knew how I cried over him he would cry with me because he never wanted to hurt me like this and he never planned it ending like this. So why did it? I don't know and I'm not sure I can hold on without crying anymore. And if I cry I'm worried I might cry metal again and I'm still not over the curse from before. The curse I heard in Gellert's subconscious and the curse I felt him vanish as he left. I don't know why he did, he didn't care much about me other than that I was a piece in a plan. But I'm grateful that he did. Because however hard life is I wouldn't want to lose it. Maybe I'm going through tough times but I'm going to keep going, keep going until I reach the end of this hell. Although maybe in every moment of happiness there is that drop of poison, the knowledge pain will come again the same is true of suffering. In every dark cloud is that shining drop of golden light, the knowledge that the pain will pass no matter how long that hell seems to drag on for.
So I leave my tears behind. It's the strongest most beautiful thing I could do for you right now, Jacob.
It's not much but it's a start and everything has to start somewhere.
It will still be a long time until that flowing stream of my despair dries up and maybe it never will but I just need to learn to live with it.
This is all so hard and so much but I will do what I can. I will try to be strong, to be beautiful and something great. I will try,I promise. Because honestly that's all I can do.
It wasn't meant to end like this but it has. And we must both be strong, and it may be hard, but I have faith in you and you have faith in me so we can make it through. That doesn't mean losing love or moving but accepting that love as part of who we are, even if we can't be together. Jacob,You are something incredible and so am I. We would have been beautiful together but we can be beautiful apart.
I love you and you love me. And we should grow from that love not shrink and cry. So I won't cry anymore and neither will you.
We will be strong because we are strong. And beautiful. We are beautiful together and apart.
So we both need to move on and we both will.
I love you Jacob