Forgotten - Queenie Goldstein

Chapter 3 - Space,dreams and memories

"She says I need space from you, Tina does I mean. She can always tell when I'm thinking about you. I sort of drift off from normal life and my eyes have a new layer of hard-to-read depth.
I don't mind the idea really, it's dreamy and romantic.
Almost everything I do these days is dreamy. I'm another person without you. But that just makes it even more worthwhile when I am with you but that is only in dreams.

I love to dream, in a space of our own making where no one can stop as as we watch time unfold. But I also hate to dream with such an intense burning passion I could stay awake for ever fuelled by it.
You are always in my dreams but it's not always good. I have to leave you over and over because that is what my mind can never forget. I have to bump into you in the street and see how you really have no clue who I am and I can hear it too.

But sometimes it's worse than that sometimes I have to leave you,hurt you and I am but a passenger in my own body in a world I should be able to choose and make my own and that is so hard knowing that not even then can I be with you.
But relieving that again and again is all worth it because I get to see that kiss again and again. That second is worth going through everything for.
It is one of the most sacred of my memories.
Memories. We were to together such a short while but I have so many.
You telling me "No I'm the only like me" delicately lifting a shot of giggle water and that cute sexy laugh.
Or you punching Gnarlack. Or being willing to give up your memories and return to the canning factory just to protect my community. And not wanting to make me feel bad and telling me that there are loads like you. And just you. All the little things that are just you. The way you smile, the way you look around in wonder at this whole new world, the way you walk. Everything. You. Me. Both of us together.
You mean so much to me and we can never be together. You will never know if my world or of me and right now that is more than I can bare.

I see it coming before it does. The floods of tears,swirling like stormy waves. I have tried to be strong,but maybe that's too much.
I'm not weak I just can't cope with this the pressure. I still love you though. I will always love and just to tell you that would be a blessing"
Queenie xx

Tina sees me crying, weeping head on my bed, arms curled protectively round my face. I don't know how long I've been crying for but it feels like a while.
She silently sits down beside me and neither of us speak just listen to the sound of my sobs.
It upsets her to see me like this and she feels guilty for being happy and introducing me and Jacob in the first place.
I don't regret meeting him though. It's given me something to understand and taught me thing so never thought possible.
I have no perception of time but slowly my sobs fall quite and I listen to Tina's though merely to escape into a head other than my own.
"I know you've been through a lot and you've already heard this all in my head but you can get through this Queenie. You are strong enough. This doesn't have to hurt you or be the end. You are strong Queenie and he would want you to be."

I lift my head and ask "You really think that?"
She doesn't answer but I hear it in her head. She really believes in me. For the first time in days I really smile and Tina returns it.
"It will all be okay I promise. Would you like a cocoa?"
I try and smile tears still in my eyes. I think Tina might notice it upset me slightly but she says nothing and quietly leaves the room.

Once she's gone I let it all go and I cry and cry and cry. I made Jacob cocoa that first night. And the memories though I love them are too much to bare.

I can barely think through my tears but I think somewhere there was a knock on the door and a mug set down outside but I don't know and everything becomes a blur in despair. Until I hear it. Tina crying too, with me in time and rhythm and I think at least I'm not alone. At least I have her. And she has Newt.