You Can Trust Me (Keith Powers Story)

7

Just get high

Manhattan, NY

• October 26, 2017 •
• 11:15 am •

My silence
is my loudest cry
for help

__________

It's one thing to possess a few insecurities here and there, to occasionally be self conscious about certain things. But full blown hating yourself is something completely different. When I realized that I had slowly began to have no love for myself, I made the decision to bring pain permanently into my life until I fully disintegrate. In a way, I felt that I deserved the constant hurt, tears, and emptiness. All of the trauma that was built up from the bullying in grade school never left. I was still trying to control my self-doubt but next thing I know, I'm getting bashed by my own boyfriend. Not only am I nothing but a "stupid planet" and ugly but now I'm that and fat. On top of that, I only had the ability to make one friend throughout all of my school days, how pathetic is that?

I remember the first time I decided to listen to what everyone was saying about me. After trying desperately to cry myself asleep, I stayed awake and it was already three in the morning. It was a Saturday night and I knew I had no responsibilities the next day. Deciding to try something in attempts to release some of the pain that I was feeling, I did the unthinkable.

My feet dragged across the tiled floor, into my bathroom. The mane on my head, my wrinkled white t shirt and shorts almost made me look even worse than how I felt. My hands were shaking and my chest was heaving up and down as I tried to control the sobs that were uncontrollable just a minute ago.

Taking one look in the mirror, I wanted to break down all over again. Why'd I end up here? How'd I manage to even get here? I was completely lost and the road to finding myself wasn't even in my reach. All the people in my proximity, and I feel like I'm in the middle of the street and no one can see me struggling to save my own life. Placing my veiny hands on my stomach, I winced because of the extra skin that was never there until the middle of college. The stress that was overtaking me and my brain wasn't the best thing to endure and eating helped me to relax in a way.

An idea came to me and I knew it wasn't the best route to take but it'll get all of this unwanted weight off of me because, I guess I really was fat. Lifting up the toilet seat, I stared down at it and officially made the decision to do what I had to do. I took an extra toothbrush out of the top cabinet and washed off the end of it in the sink. After taking a deep breath, I finally brought it up to my mouth. I slowly felt the emotional pain disappear into the air and only felt the numbness that was filling my entire body. I did it over and over again until I lost count, until I felt that my  stomach was completely empty. My vision became slightly blurry as I knelt down on the floor and I swore that I was going to die that day. I sat there for hours, trying to figure out why everything turned out the worse for me.

Crying became a regular thing, insomnia quickly crept into my apartment, and reading and writing began to be my escape from everything, more than it was before. Days and days of constant physical and emotional pain was something I became accustomed to. Staring out of my window when it was gloomy outside eventually grew to be one of my hobbies.

Was I destined for failure?

That's the question I asked myself everyday and damnit, I could never figure out the answer.