My Dearest, Laurens

J. Laurens

TRIGGER WARNING
I grabbed my phone and put in the number I had somehow still remembered after a year. The phone started ringing and I couldn't help my leg that was thumping so hard.

Someone answered.

"Hello?" She said.

"Martha, I-"

"What do you want, John?"

"I've decided to step up and-"

"Be a part of her life? I don't think so. You specifically told me that you never wanted to see her because she was a mistake and you didn't want to be a father."

"I was out of my mind, Martha. Frances can't grow up without a father."

"No, John. You decided that she would grow up without a father a year ago."

"Please, Martha. I'm begging you. This has been killing me for the past few months. I can't be a deadbeat dad and I'm a student so there's no way I can pay you so just, please, let me be a part of her life. Give me a way to help."

"You know how you can help, John? You can just die. Just fucking kill yourself. I know you want to. So, just do it."

With that she hung up. That's the second time someone had told me that. I laid on the floor and thought back to my father.

"JOHN LAURENS COME HERE THIS INSTANT!" I heard my father yell.

I ran into the living room and stood at attention in front of him just in case he was being very precise that day.

"John, what the fuck is this picture I just received of you?"

He showed me a picture of me kissing my ex boyfriend.

"Dad, I-"

"John, are you a fag? Because fags deserve to die."

"So what if I am? Maybe you're just being stupid."

"What did you just call me? You fucking disgrace. You should just die. You fucking faggot. Get out of my house"

That was the last time I saw my dad. Maybe he was right. Maybe I should just die. If two people tell me that, it must be true.

Just then Alexander texted me.

Nonstop: I'm on my way home. Can't wait to see you. It was so boring.

I still had time to do it before he got home so I locked myself in the bathroom and grabbed a knife. I started cutting as deep as I could as many times as I could. Just then I heard the front door open.

"John! John? Where are you?" I heard Alexander say.

I impulsively choked out "I'm in the bathroom. SHIT!"

I was already slightly out of it when I heard Alexander step up to the door.

"John, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, Alexander. Don't worry about it." I said through sobs.

He tried to open the door but failed.

"A-Alexander" I choked out.

"What is it, John? Let me in, please."

"It's so cold, Alexander. I'm so cold. The cold will go away soon though. I'll go away soon." I whispered, still loud enough for him to hear me.

"John! What do you mean you'll go away soon?! Let me in John! I'm begging you!"

He was slamming on the door at this point. That when I made what felt like the worst decision in my life at that point. I unlocked the door.

Alexander burst through the door. He picked me up off of the floor and carried me into the living room. He grabbed a large towel and pressed as hard as he could on my arm with the towel. By this point I was barely awake. I don't remember much but I remember one thing he said to me.

"John, I-I don't know why, but I'm already madly in love with you. We've just met and I'm usually a very rational person who doesn't get close with anyone but, you just bring out the irrational side of me out, it seems. I'm so scared John. Don't leave me. Please, I-I can't lose someone else. I want to get to know you. I want to know your skills, your weaknesses, what you like, what you don't like. I need you to stay alive for me, okay? Tha-that would be enough. If you could just stay alive." he had started ugly-crying at that point.

Right after that I passed out.