Be My Salvation (Ereri/Riren)

XXV

It feels just like back then...

Back then, when he'd first moved in with Petra, bruises still fading.

Back when I couldn't find my voice.

The first few weeks had been lonely and brutal, sleeping in a house he hadn't recognized in a cold, unfamiliar bed.

When everything inside of me was agonizing.

Nightmares often jolted him from an already unrestful sleep, and he'd always felt so tired.

Before Levi was here...

It hurt to think about him, and Eren did everything humanly possible to keep his mind away from his ex-roommate, the person he'd given his heart to. He only realized this just after Levi's absence began to weigh heavily on him, after a few days passed and it truly set in that he wasn't coming back, that the bed on the other side of the room would remain empty unless Petra took on another foster kid again. The emptiness he felt within him had only been filled with Levi's presence, his warmth, the weight of his hand, his voice, the stormy glimmer in his eyes.

So Eren continually distracted himself. He drowned himself in his studies more than he ever had, doing loads more work than was necessary to keep his mind occupied. He never denied a request to play video games with Marco anymore. He began taking on more chores for the sole purpose of preoccupation. He played with the animals. He read. When there was nothing left, he slept. And through it all, he barely said a word.

The sharpness in his chest was back, too, and more painful than ever. Logically, he knew none of this was good for his wellbeing but he couldn't find it in himself to stop. A quiet voice inside of him told him he should talk to Petra and tell her what was wrong so she could help him, but there was something about feeling so deeply sad and hollow from Levi's absence that was oddly addicting.

I'm sick. I'm so sick...

Through his distractions, he pretended Levi didn't exist. He pretended the bed had always been vacant and that the feelings held inside of him for the other were just figments of some dream, perhaps. It wasn't easier, but he did his best to convince himself it was.

The violin was stashed away somewhere he didn't know about. He'd told Petra to just get rid of it, that no one had any use for it anymore, but she refused for reasons Eren didn't really fathom. He didn't care, though. Out of sight, out of mind.

At least, that's what I tell myself...

~

Eren sat in the chair in the living room with his knees curled up to his chest one lazy Saturday afternoon watching Marco begin his newest video game. It was single player, so he couldn't join in, but he wasn't really up for video games at the moment anyway. In the other room, he could vaguely hear Petra instructing Annie on a piece of her math she didn't understand (and was clearly apathetic about, but who could blame her?). Mikasa was next door at Historia's for a piano lesson, so the day was fairly lazy.

Eren had long since zoned out watching Marco play his game, causing him to jump in surprise when something touched his shoulder. He looked up to merely find Petra murmuring an apology.

"Can I talk to you, hon?" she asked, nodding back toward the kitchen.

Swallowing around the instantaneous lump in his throat, Eren unfolded himself and followed her back into the dining room. The woman slid out one of the chairs for him before sitting in her own beside it, smiling faintly as he sunk down onto the leather seat.

"First off, I don't want you to think I'm interrogating you or anything, alright?" she said. When he nodded slightly, she went on, "But I've noticed you've been awfully quiet again lately, and you just haven't seemed yourself, and I know it's been since Levi left. I don't pretend to know why, but I have a feeling something happened between the two of you before he went. Am I wrong?"