Starry Eyed. Lashton AU

7.

Ashton.

You haven't said anything about my disorder. Which sometimes scares me. But I guess I didn't really explain it. So I'll explain it now. I have ADD. Which is Attention Deficit Disorder. This means it's hard for me to pay attention and I can't focus easily without the help of medication.

It's hard to explain by a definition so l describe it to you. It's like this: I start out fine, I'll be able to listen to the first few words you say but then I notice how pink your lips are and how when you talk you constantly run your tongue over your bottom lip. And your eyes flicker from the things you look at like the things you say. And your voice sounds like my favorite song and I'd listen to it all day if I could. And your smile is like the sun and I can't look directly at it or I think I might go blind. And the dimples on your cheeks are deeper than the galaxies swimming in your eyes. And your nose twitches every so often. And you constantly go on your phone camera to check your acne even though you look perfect. And when you cough you hum quietly to make sure your voice is clear. And when you laugh you always shake your head like it's a ritual and you can't believe this is real life. And the thing is, you always do all of these things, Ashton. So it's always hard for me to pay attention.

And the problem with this is that even with my medication, you make it so fucking hard to concentrate because I'm so busy wondering what it'd feel like to hold your hand, or whose hand is bigger in the first place, or who would walk on the right or left side on the side walk, who would be the driver in the car, which side of the bed who would get, what your favorite breakfast cereal is, all of the things about you that I may or may not ever get to know. And I can't focus let alone breathe when you're sitting so close to but so far away. But then I think if we were just skin and bones pressed together that not even that would be close enough.

You always tell me that you're starry eyed over me, but god Ashton, you're the freaking sun. Cause everything just continuously revolves around you. I don't know how you did it, but you have managed to flip everything around completely.

I used to think I was just the soccer kid with ADD and who was going to have a pretty boring straight forward life.

But now, I have no idea who I am, and no idea where I'm going. All I know is I cannot believe you never wrote me letters until this year.

Luke.