When I was younger, my mother used to tell me that true friends held your hand even after you got your hand dirty. To me that meant even if we make mistakes we can wash them off and forget about it.
I have been very sensitive lately because I am going through a lot I'm sorry if your just now finding out because I failed to tell you.
My friend passed away..... And no matter how many times she made mistakes we 'washed our hands' and tried it again because we cared so much about each other and I truly cared about her because when my father left my mother was blank... She didn't respond and all she did was cry... And being the 8 year old I was, I tried to help out... But seeing my mother like that triggered my phase. I began cutting at such a young age. I was always depressed and anxious. Even after my mother was better I was still stuck in that phase because of the kids at school. Everything began getting more difficult because of all the things going on
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I might as well tell you my whole story birth to now
Age 0 - 4
When I was born, I had clubbed feet and it was a stage two defect meaning it was nearly critical. I couldn't walk or get around, I had metal pieces to replace the missing bones, I couldn't walk until I was four. Amazingly, even though I couldn't walk, I made up for it in brain power. I had 3 surgeries in total. I could even speak till I turned two, eventually I became much smarter,
Ages 5 - 8
When I was five I was able to walk but I still couldn't run without falling or stumbling. I was eventually put in a group home because my mother tried to kill herself I didn't know what was going on but I soon found out that my mother and father started arguing and fighting.. But now that I look at it... It hurts to know my mother tried to kill herself without caring about her son. I soon began to realize as I turned 6 was that I wanted to be a girl. I felt like one and didn't feel right in the body I was in. My father tried talking to me about it on one of my home visits but I refused to change because that's what I wanted to be and I knew that's what I was personally. When I turned seven I started taking Mixed Martial Arts to protect myself. But I quit after two weeks because I didn't want to strong. I wanted to be what I wanted to be. All the older kids were bullying me in the group home and it hurt so bad to be thrown into walls and mentally tormented. I got to go home on my eight birthday but that's when my father left and I went back into the group home a few months later. That's when I started harming.
Ages 9 - 13
I was diagnosed with depression at age 9 and was told I was a freak for being what I was while in that treacherous group home (foster home) when I was ten I tried to kill myself because a kid damaged my photos of my father and Now today I don't remember what he looks like... I had so much anger to let out but I couldn't and it hurt my heart to see what this world has come to.
When I was eleven I started at a school called 'Dowdell middle school' I turned twelve in October of that school year and I met a girl named leyshka we dated until I turned 13. When we broke up I tried to kill myself again. Her next boyfriend hacked all my social media accounts and ruined my life. So I tried again. And that time I got sent to a mental hospital for a few days for observation and I was continuously watched. when I got out of the baker act center (the hospital) I ran away from my group home and when I came back because they caught me they made me leave and when I left I then I left dowdell and started at Adams middle school. When I started there I moved group homes again. For the third time. (Idk if I said I moved the first time) anyways, I met a girl named Ashley there, she stuck up for me and chose to accept me for who I am and I really appreciate that. ( *updated* )
Age 14
We began dating and I loved her so much. I don't know much else to say but she was my world I loved her so much she... She was amazing. I always thought that people would always be there for me but I soon found at that was the biggest lie I could have told myself then and now. *updated*
Age 15 (now in the the last 6 months)
On our second anniversary I had to go back home and when I left she killed herself. At her funeral she was wearing a bracelet she had got for both of us. It was a matching pair. Hers said player two. Mine said player one. I still have mine. After 6 months. Anyways she was wearing hers and when I touched her cold hands I broke down. I tried to kill myself later that night. But a kid messaged me, he was at my new school. He asked me how I was doing so I told him. Him and his gender fluid girl friend helped me with so much. I have tried to kill myself multiple times lately but so many people helped me in my time of crisis. ToxicParrito TorrentRainbow Karkat_cuttlefish you three have always tried to be there even if you did sometimes get upset with me you still stayed and I really appreciate that. you have made my days worth living, and I continue to enjoy every skype call that we have (that doesn't go wrong) Anyways I just want to thank all of you and soon I will be turning sixteen and things will start to get a hell of a lot harder for me, (RESPONSIBILITIES UGHHHHHHHH)
*updated*
I'm gonna stop now. I'm gonna break down.
Anyways.
Chapter updates tomorrow.
CHAPTER HAS BEEN UPDATED.
