Ocean Eyes

Flashbacks

"Sometimes hell is the person who promised you something heavenly. The devil is good at pretending to be everything you want."
-RH Sin

"Leah, you have got to be kidding me!"

Ryder was at her wits end with her cousin. Sue and her mother were gone for the week, at a reunion trip with some friends from high school. Therefore, as Ryder worked, Leah had volunteered to watch the kids. It had seemed like a good idea- she was good with them and she'd stayed home with them many times before. Leah didn't have a day job, she waitressed weekend nights up in Port Angeles, and she wasn't in school. Ryder had agreed enthusiastically, knowing she could get extra hours in and the kids would be with their favorite female cousin.

It was Friday afternoon, Sue and Caroline had been gone for six days, and this was the third time Leah bailed.

"It's not that big of a deal, Ry. Haileys sick and I need to pick up her shift." Leah hissed through the speaker. Even if Ryder heard the momentary quaver over the word 'sick' or the frail attempt at casual speech, she would know that Leah was lying.

"Hailey doesn't even work with you, lee." Hailey Monterey was Leah's new best friend and Ryder did not like her at all. She was 22, with her hair died bright red and an affinity for extremely tight clothes. That hadn't mattered to Ryder. It was how, when she had first met Jackson, she had called in a retarded little brat.

Ryder had almost attacked her.

"She just started." Ryder could imagine Leah rolling her eyes, wanting nothing more than this conversation to be over.

"Just cut the bullshit, Leah." Ryder walked into the back room, sending an apologetic look to Jim. The man nodded understandingly, before turning to Sarah and talking in hushed tones. Once sheltered in the depths of the stock closet, Ryder allowed her voice to get louder. "Hailey invited you out to party and get drunk. You're dumping the kids so you can take some shots and end up in some random douchebags bed. This isn't you, Le."

"Don't pull that card on me, Ryder." Leah's voice hardened in indignation. "You're not my fucking mom. These aren't my kids and I don't have a responsibility to stay here bored out of my mind. Yeah, I'm going out tonight. Yeah, I'm gonna get drunk as all hell and probably make some mistakes. You're not the only one with problems, Ryder."

"Drowning your problems in alcohol isn't going to help anything." Leah's irresponsibility had gotten worse since the months had progressed. Emily and Sam had moved in together. He had proposed. Emily had begun building the family that Leah had always wanted, with the guy that Leah almost had. "I get that you're bitter-"

"You don't get it at all!" Leah's voice raised and Ryder hears the shouts of her siblings in the background. "You're in a nice happy relationship with a guy that worships you! You don't fucking understand anymore, you don't remember how much it hurts!"

"You think I don't understand?!" Ryder was angry now, a rage bubbling inside her. "You bring my fucking siblings, who you're supposed to be watching, to my work place and you go get shitfaced, fine! But don't you dare even think I don't know what it's like to have someone you trust betray you."

Before Leah could answer, Ryder hung up. She was breathing heavily, her shoulders heaving as her mind swam with thoughts she had long suppressed. How could leah think that just because she was finally opening up to someone and being happy, she didn't still feel the ache of Carter? That every time Paul touched her for the first time in a while, she had to suppress a shiver and the instinct to run? She was trying so hard to forget but she knew she never would. The end of ones first love is always hard, she knew that. She knew that Leah had gone through that, plus the betrayal of her cousin. But that didn't even close to amount to the horror that had ended Ryder's relationship. Leah knew what had happened, at least partly. For her to think that Ryder didn't remember it, just because she had allowed Paul into her life, was ridiculous.

It took Ryder a few minutes to collect herself. Hot and angry tears had fallen down her cheeks and she swiped them away, ignoring the rawness of her skin.  Her breathing slowed down and she slid down to sit on the ground.

The room was dark and the cold concrete of the floor felt nice under Ryder hot skin. The feeling brought Ryder back to a different time, a memory both sweet and bitter. The day she had first met Carter.

It was cold. That was the only thing Ryder said to people when they asked how she was adjusting to Maryland. They'd moved in the depth of the winter, from the hot and sweaty Miami to the snow ridden Baltimore.

The houses were had long since lost the grey and bedraggled look and were now colorful townhouses. There were hedges cut uniformly, the leaves covering the entrances to the houses. The streets were meticulously paved and there were no homeless men sitting on the corners.

Ryder wasn't in her neighborhood anymore.

A fight with her moms new boyfriend had sent her out into the freezing winds of January. Anything to get away from Mikey. He was a short and stout Italian man, with wide nostrils and a mass of curly black hair always poking out from the unbuttoned collars of his silk shirts. He'd tried to hit Violet, called her cruel names because of the color of her skin. Caroline hadn't done any thing.

Ryder had taken Violet to one of the girls friends house, leaving her with the girls kind mother and began walking. It's been an hour, at least. Her hands were too cold to take from her jacket pockets and check the time on her iPod. With each gust of wind, Ryder felt more and more frail.

She sat down abruptly, almost falling onto the curb of the concrete sidewalk. It was a residential neighborhood and cars rolled by, passengers looking curiously at the lone girl before speeding on when they noticed her dirty jacket and the holes in her jeans. Ryder took her hands from her pockets, pressing them onto the cold concrete below her and closing her eyes.

"Cold day to be sitting outside." The musings of someone near her caused Ryder to open her eyes. She was used to catcallers now, and ignored the voice, choosing instead to stare at how a barren tree danced in the wind.

The man didn't give up. She felt him sit next to her, splay his hands out onto the ground and assume the same position as her. She looked over at him to find him already staring at her. He had warm blue eyes, a sky color that would be immortalized in her dreams, and later her nightmares. His hair was golden and wavy, framing his face lightly. Most was tucked under a baseball cap, which she didn't understand as it held no purpose in keeping his head warm. His features were sharp, chiseled cheekbones and thin lips. She thought he was beautiful.

"What are you doing?" Her voice held curiosity and nervousness. Her palms had begun to sweat, even in the cold, and she pulled them to her chest.

"Sitting." His voice was warm and teasing. He smiled at her and it was right then that she decided she was in love. His smile made him look boyish, lightened his harsh features. He looked at her with interest and she suddenly felt important. She felt like she was the only woman on the earth.

"I know." Ryder hated how awkward she sounded. "But why with me?"

"Because I think you're one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen. I couldn't lose an opportunity I might not have again." Ryder's heart sped up and she didn't answer. She couldn't. He thought she was beautiful. He, a gorgeous white boy, who wore a fancy buttoned coat and loafers, thought that she, a Native American girl in a ratty hand me down jacket, was beautiful. He took her silence as a good thing. The boy smiled again and she realized he couldn't be more than 18 or 19.

"I'm Ryder Kane." Her voice came out soft and breathless.  He heard it, and his eyes sparkled.

"Carter Banks."

Years later, as she sat curled up in a stock room, Ryder Kane realized that maybe Carter Banks wasn't as beautiful as she had thought.

Beauty was in souls and Carter Banks soul was a twisted mass of darkness and cruelty.