Confusing Love

Chapter 24: Right or Wrong?

Cameron's P.O.V.
I look over at Shawn. He's so cute when he sleeps. He's laying in my arms. I just wanna stay in this moment for the rest of my life. His eyes are closed and he's smiling. He must be having a good dream. "Cameron. Ohhhh Cameron." Is he dreaming about me? That's so cute. I look down at Little Shawn. He's semi-hard. He's probably having a wet dream of me. He's so adorable. I put the covers back on. His skin is kind of cold so I pull him closer to my body. I'm literally always warm and never cold. "No Cameron! No!" he yells in his sleep. He's shaking back and forth. "No, no!" he's yelling. What the hell? I shake him awake.

"Shawn, Shawn. Wake up babe. You were having a nightmare. Shawn!" He opens his eyes and looks at me. He hugs me, pulling me closer. "Are you ok babe?"

"I just had the most horrible dream Cameron."

"I thought you were having a wet dream at first and then you just started freaking out."

"Can I tell you something. I wanted to tell you last night but I didn't wanna ruin your moms dinner."

"What's wrong babe." I say. I wanna fix whatever is bothering him.

"So yesterday I got a call from my dad."

"Yah?"

"Remember the night we were fighting at the hotel and you posted that tweet about us both being gay?"

"Yah?"

"I guess someone must of screenshot it because my parents found out." His eyes started watering.

"Babe. Shhh. Don't cry." I pulled him closer again. "What did your parents say when they found out?"

"They ask me if it was true and I told them it was and my father basically disowned me." He was really crying now. I was the one worried about coming out and everyone in my family accepted me. He was willing to come out for me and his own father won't accept him.

"Shawn it's gonna be ok. Shhhh." I was trying to get him to stop crying.

"You don't understand Cameron! Everyone in your family accepted you! My own father is disowning me! This is so hard for me." He had gotten out of the bed and walked to the window. I got up and walked to him.

"Shawn, why does it matter what your dad thinks? If he can't accept you that's his problem."

"No Cameron. I love my dad and I look up to him. If he can't accept me then how can any of this be right." Was he talking about being gay? Was he talking about us?

"Shawn what are you saying?"

"My dad doesn't support me because he thinks it's a sin. That's what I was taught my whole life. What if it is a sin? What if all of this, you, me, us, is all wrong." I grabbed his wrist and dragged him to the bathroom. "What Cameron?"

"Look. Look." I wanted him to look at himself in the mirror.

"No Cam, I just wanna go think."

"Look Shawn." I finally got him to face himself. His face was red and puffy, tears streaming down his face. He had bed head and was butt naked. I walked up beside him. "Look Shawn. Look at yourself." After a few seconds he got his tears under control. I grabbed his hand and lifted our intertwined hands up so we could see the reflection in the mirror. "Does this look wrong you to you Shawn? This love that we feel for each other? How can he possibly tell you that this is wrong? My love for you is the strongest emotion I've ever felt in my life. I've never loved someone as much as I love you. And it hurts me that you're gonna let your dad try and tell you that this is bad. It's not bad Shawn! It's beautiful! We are soulmates who have been lucky enough to actually find each other. And now that I have found you I'm never letting you go." He has a sad smile on his face. He wrapped his arms around me. It was a comfort hug, not a romantic hug. I rubbed his back with my hands. "Shawn the love we have for each other is not wrong. What's wrong is someone telling us that it is." He pulled away wiping the tears from his eyes.

"I love you Cameron. I've just always looked up to my dad and his feelings matter to me. It shatters me beyond imagination that someone I've loved my whole life has the audacity to tell me that because of who I love, he can no longer love me. It's making me doubt myself because in my mind he was always right, always spot on, always there for me. And now he's telling me this isn't right."

"Here's the thing though Shawn. He is wrong! I know it's gotta be hard having him tell you that but you need to understand that he is wrong. I couldn't imagine how I would feel if my mom said to me what your dad has said to you. It would make me question what I was doing too. But can you honestly tell me with 100% honesty that you don't love me? That you don't love being with me? That you don't love us being together?"

"That's the problem Cameron. I can't say I don't love you because I do. And it scares me. He's making me feel like this is wrong."

"Shawn, Shawn." He's started crying again. I pull him into a hug. "Look at me. Look at me." I was holding his face in my hands. It hurt me to see him hurting like this. "There is nothing wrong with how you feel about me. You can't control it. Shawn I honestly believe that God made us for each other. Before you my life honestly felt empty. I always felt like there was that part of me I didn't have and that part was you. You came into my life and you made me whole. You made me happy. I'm not loosing you Shawn. Tell me how this makes you feel." I kiss him. He try's to resist at first, but then kisses me back. I feel his face stop frowning. I pull away. "See. I felt love. Happiness. Pleasure. Joy. All of those emotions in that small kiss. How can you honestly think that's wrong."

"I don't know Cameron. I'm just so confused right now. I just think I need to be alone right now. I wanna think by myself."

"Are you sure Shawn?" My heart was beating fast. I feel like everything I said hadn't changed a thing.

"Yes. I just need to think."

"Call me when you wanna talk Shawn. I'm gonna go to my apartment to get more boxes. I'll probably go and see Nash too."

"Ok." We walked back into his bedroom.

"I don't have any clean clothes." He smiled at my statement.

"Here. Wear these." He handed me some jeans and a grey shirt.

"Can I borrow some underwear?"

"Top drawer on the right." he said pointing at the dresser. I got dressed.

"I'll see you in a few hours Shawn. I love you." I pulled him into a hug.

"I love you to Cam." He hugged back. Maybe I shouldn't leave him. Maybe he really needs me right now. I think back to what he said and realize that he actually probably does need to be alone. I leave his apartment and drive straight to Nash's.