Veiled Emotions {Marauders Era}

CONFUSION

❝You ran away from home?”

“When I was about sixteen,” said Sirius. “I’d had enough.❞

•|∆

There comes a lot of times when you get very confused about what’s happening in your life, and so you start debating whether what you had done and what you are doing are the right courses of actions for you or not. And for Sirius Black, that was arguably one of the worst feelings ever to be subjected to.

He hated any bouts of confusion and he hated being in need of comfort. But when life decided to slap him on his face, he had no choice in order to overcome the hollow and bewildered feeling inside him than to seek consolation.

He knew where his main destination was, but he needed some sort of a familial tie before. And that was why he found himself in front of the Tonks’ household in the middle of the night.

He knocked twice on the front door, hoping that he won’t be disturbing them by his late presence, and waited.

A kind man in his twenties opened the door then, surprise visible on his young face but quickly beckoned Sirius in nevertheless.

“Hey, Sirius. Is everything okay?” Edward Tonks asked with concern etched into his face.

“Hi, Ted.” replied Sirius, trying to blank his troubled expression as always by the typical fraudulent smile. “Yeah, yeah everything’s fine, don’t worry. I just— I need to talk with Andy.”

“Sure, I’ll tell her.” Edward said and dived into the house to inform his wife of the enigmatic visit.

A minute later after Sirius had sat down, Andromeda Tonks approached him, her eyes searching his frame for an answer to his blank expression.

And as per usual, she saw behind his mask.

“Sirius?” Andromeda said softly as she sat next to him and he looked up.

It was hard, Andromeda could see it. It was hard to express the wars going on inside his brain no matter how vast his vocabulary was. She knew that something life-changing had happened from the look in his eyes, and she knew that he needed any link to normalcy right now, and that was why he sought her.

And for that she was grateful.

“Sirius what is it?” she inquired again.

“You lied to me, Andy,” Sirius blurted nonchalantly without any malice evident in his voice. “You said that there were no manacles the day you’d left and yet I had still seen the pain of losing Narcissa whenever we mentioned her. Why didn’t you ever tell me how pained you were after you had left?” he asked and Andromeda stared with perplexity at his blunt statement and unexpected question.

“Because you’ve had enough already on your shoulders to worry about.”

“That’s not how it works between us though, Andy.” he said, breaking their eye contact.

“I know,” she muttered quietly. “But I don’t regret it. Because I never wanted you to think about the pain of losing your sibling.”

“But how did you feel?” he inquired quietly.

“Idle.” she replied calmly and Sirius didn’t speak.

“Funny how the both of us seem to have a lot in common.” he said after a few seconds and Andromeda noticed the torment behind that statement.

“Sirius—”

“Yes, Andy, I left.” Sirius cut her wretchedly and she didn’t interrupt. “And yet after all these years of hoping that this moment will one day come, I feel nothing but worthless.”

“I would be astounded if you didn’t feel that way. No one could take the rejection of their own family easily, Sirius, not even you.” she said gingerly as she drew close to him and patted his shoulders.

“I’m going to go prepare the spare room for you.” she said when he didn’t reply back but he bleakly shook his head.

“No– no, don’t. I’ll be staying with James.”

“Are you sure? You can always stay here, Siri.” Andromeda said but he shook his head once more.

“I don’t want to disturb your normal life by letting you keep a fugitive, Andy.” he said, laughing very quietly with no sign of humour.

“Just— just stay with me.” he whispered, and Andromeda’s heart broke for his shattered voice. No sooner had she pulled him in her arms than he had started sobbing.

“I left him alone, Andy,” he said in the midst of his unrecognisable sobs. “He doesn’t deserve to be alone there. I’m so selfish, I don’t know what the hell I was thinking.”

“No he doesn’t deserve so, Sirius, but neither do you deserve to stay with people who cause you nothing but pain.” she said tenderly as she ran her fingers through his charcoal curls, trying to ease his agony as hard as possible.

“He will hate me.” he dismally said, after a few minutes when he had stopped sobbing and began to calm down.

“Regulus can never hate you, Sirius, even if he tried. You’re his only brother.”

“And yet I left him alone with them with no other company but Kreacher. I would go mad if I were in his place, Andromeda.” he said ruefully.

“I didn’t say he won’t be mad at you, Siri; of course he will. What I’m saying is that he will never be capable of hating you. Just give him time and he’ll eventually forgive you.”

“But what if he doesn’t?” Sirius insisted.

“He will. So stop being so pessimistic; I thought you Gryffindors were the epitome of optimism!” Andromeda said, in an attempt to make him smile which slightly succeeded.

“It’s okay to feel confused, Sirius.” she then said when silence fell between them once more. “I know that you are so confused right now at what you’ve done but you should trust in the decisions your gut has made and trust that on the long run you won’t regret them.

“I never told you that but... the day I had left, I really considered coming back. I was so confused and out of place– so desperate to find where do I truly belong. But then I began to think; is my freedom and the love of my life really worth throwing away because of devotion to that family? Will they ever even change their ill treatment and their beliefs if I returned?”

Wistfully, as if remembering a long forgotten memory, Andromeda completed. “And as if I needed that reply from someone else, I found a small little injured bird, flying as hard as it can to keep up with her flock, but it no longer had any strength within her and none of the other birds noticed, and she fell right beside me. I knew then that there is no such thing as coincidence and that I am on the right path.”

She smiled softly while looking at Sirius and then said, “That bird, after I had taken care of, soared again in the sky. And instead of following her flock, she created her own. And she comes and visits me every once in a while, too.”

Sirius was now looking at her with serenity in his grey eyes, and Andromeda was adamant to keep that emotion inside him so she pulled him once more in her arms and finalised their conversation.

“You will find your bird one day, Siri; trust me on that.”