Veiled Emotions {Marauders Era}

DAMNATION

It never really is an easy thing, decisions, for some people. Some others of course cherish the idea of making decisions and being the ones in charge of situations and it’s even so easy for them to make choices without causing any problems or conflicts. Yet for those like Regulus Black, existential decisions were never their favourite things in the world.

And Regulus envied those who had the ability of taking decisions, of being assertive and decisive even if this factor only seemed to resonate to him through his brother’s utilisation of it, which mostly were all irrational and irresponsible decisions in his eyes.

But Regulus wasn’t Sirius, that he knew, and both were so differently alike that it would’ve, even from an eye of an outsider, looked as if they were one soul torn into two contrasting halves where each half cannot survive without its other.

And maybe that was why neither felt as living.

The escapism from the present predicament with decisions didn’t quite last for Regulus, and every passing second seemed to lead him to more and more difficulty with keeping up with what was happening and what was about to happen. He now started to feel as if he was acting with none of his organs working, like an automaton that just receives orders and obeys. His hands seemed to just move mechanically towards the deadly poison, towards the end of his innocence.

And the problem was that he could not stop; he had to do it, he had to follow.

He started uncorking the small flask speechlessly, devoid from any emotions to the point that the Death Eaters actually found it hard to distinguish whether his actions were out of elicited obligation or complete loyalty. It also didn’t help that Voldemort seemed to have taken off the curse from the owl after noticing that Regulus was actually going to do it, and the beautiful eagle owl just blinked her vivid tangerine eyes a few times until it focused on Regulus, and flew until she was seated comfortably on the top of his right shoulder as usual.

But Regulus motioned for her to come down on the long table in front of him, and obediently she did. Once she was directly in front of him, he blankly stared at her for a moment, and all his memories of her seemed to have flashed in his head rapidly with absolutely no mercy on how much they were causing him pain.

She wasn’t just an owl, that’s the problem. She was all what Regulus had when he needed to feel that he was still a human being because Regulus knew how tainted his heart, mind and soul had become ever since he was just a kid, unable to stop the tainting because it was his family’s doing and he immensely loved them.

However, even then he had Sirius to help him, to bring out the veiled goodness inside of him into the light. But currently, with no one to take advice or guidance from, Regulus seemed to have started being driven to the absolute wrong ways, with no ability to stop or to even realise that he was wrong.

And yet there was still this owl that was the only good thing left in his life. Regulus never even talked to someone as much as he had talked with her. All his thoughts and feelings seemed to have been locked inside her whether she had understood them or not. He always felt that she did though, as her eyes constantly showed him humane perception and pure understandability.

She was, Regulus just realised, his best and only friend.

And killing himself would be much easier than offing her.

But he couldn’t. Regulus couldn’t betray his family the way his brother had done. He couldn’t shame them by failing to kill a bird. He couldn’t give up his soul for hers, even though he was sure that either way, his soul will meet its demise.

Regulus just couldn’t be brave.

And he halfheartedly wished that a specific brave one would come and save him despite all grudges he held against him these days, but that brave person had no idea where he was, or even of the decision he was about to make.