Trigger

31

Julianne Victoria

"Ganda ka 'te?" Leslie pinched my side as we both stood at the side of her table. Pareho kaming naghihintay na matapos na ang paglabas masok ng mga flower delivery guys sa loob ng opisina namin. Hapon na kasi at patapos na ang office hours. "Kulang na lang yata ay kabaong tapos malaking picture mo na may kalapati riyan sa labas pintuan natin." I shook my head as I laughed at what she was talking about.

Tama siya, kulang na lang din ay kabaong at pwede ng maging interment place itong office dahil sa rami ng pinapadalang bulaklak ni Alexander araw-araw.

It was a ridiculous gesture.

"Tinext mo man lang 'ba?"

"Hindi." Mabilis at nakangiti kong sabi.

Nag-apir kami ni Leslie habang tumawa ng nakakaloko.

"That's my girl. Tama yan."

"I am not sure though if he already figured out that I hate gestures like this." I stared at the vase full of Lilacs on top of Leslie's table. Kumuha ako ng isa at inamoy. "He's overcompensating."

I've been distancing myself from Alexander for about two months na siguro. Kahit sa mga meetings ay nagrequest ako kay Leslie na hindi na nila ako isama if it involved the Imperio account. Pumayag naman siya kapalit ang isang La Borsa Cleopatra clutch, si E naman ay isang set eyebrow products habang si Andre ay nagrequest ng samgyeop for a month.

I was relieved when Alexander respected my request and did not do something about it. Atleast he was indeed living up to that promise of giving me space. But then again, his overcompensating for I don't even know what, was kind of becoming a liability at work. I had already received a memo from our HR regarding the daily flowers delivery. Though they took it back, at sigurado akong may kagagawan si Alexander sa pagbawi ng memo sa akin ay nakakahiya pa rin.

Noong unang nagpadala siya ng dalawang doesenang rosas, kahit hindi ko ipinahalata ay kinilig akong talaga. It was my first time receiving flowers from someone that let's just say, I liked. Attached also was a note saying how much he missed me and my bouncy tits, and yes, I still did find his Neanderthal ways appealing pero hindi ko aaminin.

That first instance was nice for me, a contrast of my usual dislike for lavish surprises. Kaso lang ay halos araw-araw na siyang napgpapadala ng bulaklak, dito sa office at maging sa Constancia. Hindi ko na tuloy alam kung ano ang gagawin ko sa mga bulaklak. Even my workmates whom I don't talk to chipped in and took a bunch of it para mabawasan, pero parang hindi nga nababawasan. So yes, it was a ridiculous gesture already. Isang piraso lang sana ay okay na sa akin.

Aside from the flowers, Alexander also texts, chats and calls almost every hour of every day and up to now, I never responded to any of it. It would appear impolite that I did not even said thank you for the flowers, but I was still unsure if it was already time to slowly close the space between us.

Gusto ko munang pakiramdaman ang sarili ko. I wanted to lift myself up first before I can be with him again. I already established that the logic of love was stupid that's why I had to move on to the next level of it which was that, love goes hand in hand with fear.

Mom and I used to discuss that we were born with two fundamental emotions: love and fear. We were born with our mother's love alongside our instinct to survive which was an adaptive behavior towards fear. I was still coming to terms with the fact that I was in love with Alexander and with that comes the fear of losing myself in the process. And I don't think I want that kind of love.

Natatakot ako sa katotohanan na baka this time ay wala na talagang matira sa akin. Ganoon pa man ay may malakas akong urge na subukan pa rin with Alexander. Pero hangga't maari ay pinipigilan ko muna ang sarili kong sagutin ang tawag, texts, chat o ang puntahan siya.