Trigger

01

Julianne Victoria

To be happy is now—I remembered seeing these eyegasmic words graffitied all over the Metro habang nasa byahe kanina. It was made by TheEvilClown, an anonymous revolutionary street artist that was formerly based in New York City, and had graced the streets of Manila a couple of years back.

I have been happy, tho' in a dream.
I have been happy- and I love the theme:
Dreams! in their vivid coloring of life,
As in that fleeting, shadowy, misty strife

Edgar Allen Poes's lines somehow coincided with my current thoughts and it echoed beautifully inside my head, making me ponder on allegedly trivial things like, What does it really mean to be happy? Is it about living in the moment? Are the things, events or humans that induced serotonin to fellow humans eons ago, the same as the catalysts for today's happiness?

But isn't happiness like time—fleeting?

Lintian, these thoughts.

Sa tingin ko ay isa ako sa pinaka overthinker na tao sa buong galaxy na kahit simpleng sitwasyon o detalye ay kailangan kong ma-dissect kung maari. Hindi naman ako madaldal o makulit—everything's all just in my head and in my dreams.

Napailing ako at pinagpasyahang bumalik na sa kasalukuyang nangyayari dahil baka kung saan nanaman ako liparin nang pag-ooverthink ko.

"SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!" An unconscious smile broke from my lips towards Leslie's unending enthusiasm. One would think that she just woke up because of her energy level, when in fact our team had been working non-stop for the past 24 hours.

She looked genuinely happy. I noted. Sumasayaw-sayaw pa siya habang hawak ang dalawang bote ng Greygoose vodka, at napailing ako out of fondness and also to hide my impending giggle (mainly because I don't giggle that much, and it would be weirder to do so since I am already the weird one in our circle). I instead started looking around the place that we were at, one of Makati's fancy clubs, The Pink Dahlia.

The place was packed and I was sure that any minute now, my personal boundery issues will kick in, lalo na siguro kung mag-uumpisa na ang dikitan at banggaan ng mga tao rito. But then again this is a high end club and I only have zero to none experience on what really goes down on places like this.

Ang keywords ko lang sa pagcategorize sa ganitong lugar ay, matao at maingay = I'd rather read a book.

That was it.

Napanguso ako at ipinagpatuloy ang pagmamasid sa lugar.

I liked the interiors; it screamed that of the Roaring 20s, medyo mahiwaga pero may halong kalungkutan. There was also something about it that gives out the feeling of longing. I don't know, maybe it was just me and my attachment to the macabre, but it eased me a bit.

This place may have some redeeming qualities after all.

Pursing my lips, I looked around more and wondered how most people could just easily blend in and as they say: chill. Of course, I feel out of place. I have zero chill atoms inside me.

And honestly? I never really wanted to be here, pero kailangan ko. I had to take one for the team at ayoko namang maging killjoy. I had never imagined myself going to places like this, never tried, and going to do this again would be on my list of maybes. This was not my crowd and it was definitely uncharted territory.

Like you have a crowd, Victoria. I sighed, totally tuning out again what my friends, Leslie, Andre and E were discussing before tipping my head and drinking the shot glass full of vodka that was handed over to me.