Journey's Child

3

"Gilly I have something very sad to tell you," my mother began. She wrapped her arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer as if taking me into her confidence. "Your dad and Sam were in a car accident on their way home from the beach and they were both killed."

She took her arm away and turned towards the lady officer, sobbing against her shoulder. Crying uncontrollably she moaned, "Thank God you weren't with them!"

I sat up straight on the couch not able to grasp anything of what was happening. I felt alone and unusually cold. Tears ran from my eyes but I didn't think that I was crying. The female officer reached behind my mother and rubbed my back reassuringly. I was grateful for the human contact. A noise out in the entry caught my attention. I looked up to see my mom's friend Lorraine rush in.

Without taking even a moment to survey the situation Lorraine's panicked voice erupted into the room, "Ally, I'm here darling."

I watched as my mother jumped up from the couch and ran to Lorraine's open arms. I couldn't understand what they were saying through their sobs but they seemed to be communicating with each other.

After the police left, my mom and Lorraine settled themselves at the kitchen counter drinking wine, crying and planning the inevitable funeral. I sat in the family room in front of the television, although I wasn't aware if it was on or off. I still felt cold and couldn't stop shaking. I continued to sit there alone until the room grew dark as the night spread itself out. Finally, I said goodnight and headed upstairs to my room in what felt like an alternative universe in some horror movie. My face was wet again but I still didn't think that I was crying.

I had a restless night. I kept hearing my mother say, 'Thank God you weren't with them!' over and over again. I tossed and turned getting tied up in my bedding. I yelled out as I struggled against the sheets and against the guilt that had settled in my heart that afternoon when my world came crashing down around me.

In the morning I was a different girl struggling into the day. My eyes jerked open as if I were trying to escape a bad dream. I fought to sit up and pull myself out of the bed. Slowly making my way downstairs, I was hoping for some comfort from my mother but instead, a disheveled Lorraine was standing in the kitchen pouring herself a cup of coffee. She let out a heavy sigh when she saw me.

"I'm getting too old for these long nights," she said.

I stood quietly staring at her.

"Anyway, would you like some cereal or something?"

"No thanks, I'm not hungry. Where's my mom?" I asked as a rush of emotions hit me.

"Listen, Gilly, your mom has suffered a terrible loss. She was up very late. You need to give her some space today and let her rest. Do you understand?"

Not able to speak in a steady voice I nodded my head.

"Good. I have to get home now. Tell Ally to call me when she wakes up. Okay?"

Again I nodded.

Lorraine gave me a stiff hug and rushed towards the door. I jumped at the sound of it closing. Standing in the empty kitchen, I looked at the wine glasses and empty wine bottles on the counter. I continued searching the area, looking for the Monday morning I was used to. My dad should have been standing by the coffee pot with a cup in his hand. He should have been joking with Sam and me or talking with our mother. Our mom should have been flipping pancakes on the griddle while Sam whined at her because she hadn't put chocolate chips in them. I should be sitting next to him trying to ignore his existence. But it wasn't like that. It would never be like that again. I wrapped my arms around myself and wondered why I felt so cold.

I spent the day drifting through the empty house. The phone had been set for the answering machine to answer without it ringing, so I just sat in the family room with the TV on. I didn't want to be left alone with my thoughts and my loneliness.

My mom got up and came into the kitchen to see where I was and to get a fresh bottle of wine to take back to her bedroom.

"I just need to sleep a little longer then I'll make us some dinner, okay?"

"Sure Mom. I'm not hungry right now anyway."

I sat on the couch most of the afternoon. I tried to call Susannah around 5:00 pm, but there was no answer. Each ring as it fell into emptiness, made me feel for the first time, like I might start crying. I looked in on my mother who appeared to be in a deep sleep holding my father's pillow to her chest. I couldn't help but notice that the wine bottle was almost empty.

I had a few Ritz crackers for a snack and sat back down in the family room to wait for my mom to get up and fix dinner. I waited and I waited some more.

I doubted if anyone would notice if I didn't go to school again the next day. I figured I probably wouldn't have to go back at all for the last week and a half before summer break.

I sat and watched TV as the sun slowly found its way out of my miserable day. At 8:30 I turned everything off and went upstairs to take a bath and hopefully sleep for a while. I sat in the bathtub and finally cried. I cried because I was hungry and lonely and I missed my family, but mostly I cried because I was alive and my dad and Sam were dead.

9Wh