Journey's Child

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The nightmare had woke me earlier than usual. With my mom still asleep, I walked around the empty cold cottage and remembered moments in each room that stood out in my mind. I saw myself sitting on the couch alone and I remembered how sad I was that evening when I had been left by myself. I thought about my mother sitting at the kitchen table with papers and notebooks scattered everywhere. I could see her holding a glass of wine and a cigarette between her fingers of the same hand. The smoke created a foggy wall that separated her from me. I shook the visions from my head and tried to think of a happier moment but I couldn't. I got myself a sweet roll for breakfast and stood in the front room looking out the widow at the thick, slate netting of fog. It was slowly being melted away by the barely visible sun, that seemed to feel as weak and sleepy as I did.

"Good morning," my mother said in a groggy voice.

I turned to find her fresh out of bed with messy hair and wrinkled pajamas. She stood in the hall looking, despite her condition, beautiful.

"Good morning," I returned.

She got herself a sweet roll and went about making some coffee.

"There's a little milk in the fridge, you might as well finish it off," she told me.

I poured myself a glass and sat down across from her at the table.

"So what's on the schedule for today?" I asked.

"Well, we should have everything packed and in the car by the end of the day," she read off an invisible list she had been making in her head. "You can sleep with me tonight so we only have my bedding to pack up in the morning. We need to wash everything else today."

"Okay," I said, feeling it wasn't a big deal.

"We have to wear the clothes we wear today for the trip home, Gilly," she continued, starting to sound sort of stressed.

"Okay," I replied.

"Thad said he would be home by 9:00 am, so we need to get up and get going if we're going to meet him at his house."

I again said "okay," shrugging at her put upon tone.

Getting up to pour herself another cup of coffee, she threw in one last complaint. "I hope these Bear Claws won't be too stale by tomorrow. It's all we have to eat."

"I'm going to get dressed," I told her as I headed down the hall away from her bad mood.

"Okay, put your pajamas on my bed and everything else including your sheets in the hamper.

"Okay."

"Oh and remember you're going to have to wear the same clothes you put on today, tomorrow," she yelled down the hall.

"Okay!" I yelled back.

After stripping my bed and taking everything down from the walls, I was able to slip out to the beach for a while. I walked along the shore thinking about Linda. At first my thoughts were happy as I remembered some of our conversations, but then Tom's face appeared in my mind, and I ran back to the cottage to get away from my vision. Facing my mother's bad mood was better than thinking about him.

"Okay Gilly, I'm going to the laundry room to put these clothes into wash, then I'll go with you to feed Captain."

"I can go if you're busy," I offered.

"No, I'll go with you; I need a break."

I wanted to walk the path to Thad's, but my mom insisted on driving since she had several bags of food she wanted to drop off.

It felt good to be in his house. I wished we would just stay there until it was time to go back to the Bay Area, but my mother would never impose like that.

Captain was happy to see us and get his scoop of food for breakfast. I played with him for a little while, running up and down the beach and throwing driftwood into the surf for him to chase.

"Gilly let's go, we still have things to do."

"Coming," I shouted as Captain and I took one last lap down the shoreline.

"I'll try to come back without her," I told Captain on the way up to the house. He cocked his head to the side trying to understand what I said.

*

We spent the rest of the morning and early afternoon cleaning. My mother had made some PB&J sandwiches before packing up the food she took to Thad's that morning. We took a lunch break and ate them on the beach, sharing a can of soda.

"When we get back home, I'll start cooking us decent meals," my mom promised.

"I like this - you know eating together on the beach. It's like a picnic."

She smiled at me and nodded, "It is nice. I like it too."

I didn't know it then, but that tender moment would become one of the most important memories I would have between my mother and myself.

"Okay Kiddo, we have one last job and it's a big one," she said as she took my hand and helped me up.

"Oh, no! The latrine!" I groaned.

"Come on, if we both work on it we'll get it done quicker."

That whole summer my mother scoured that bathroom. She tried different cleaners, bleach and brushes, but it always looked dirty and smelled like mildew.

As I scrubbed at the bathtub, my mother used a small brush and a strong cleanser on the once white grout.

"I don't know why we have to kill ourselves trying to clean this disgusting bathroom," I complained. "No one who stays here is going to care!"

"We stayed here and we cared," my mother sighed as she pushed her hair back off her face.

We looked at each other and began laughing. We laughed almost uncontrollably.

"I think we're getting tired. Finish the bathtub and take a break, Gilly."

I scrubbed at the brown water stain that ran from the back of the faucet down the tub to the drain. I scrubbed and scrubbed at it, but it wouldn't budge.

"That's good enough, Gilly. Some stains can't be washed away."

My mother's voice telling me that, echo's in my mind to this day.

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