BlurryFiction (Part II)

~Purpose or Death?

\*TRIGGER WARNING*/

I sit here all night, the same for the last week. I think about EVERYTHING, I have lost everyone and all I have left is Jenna? I start to think from the start and the day I met Josh. I have been crying a lot since Dayls death but I'm sure thats understanable because he was all I had left. My mind keeps focusing on Josh and his eyes...his big brown mocha eyes. I burst into tears and I turn and cuddle into Jenna's sleeping body. I find myself falling asleep in a puddle of tears and all my mind can think of is sucide and Josh.

Jenna taps my shoulder in the morning to wake me up "Hey babe, I made you food?" She smiles at me and I kiss her on the cheek, I whisper into her ear "I fucking love you, you know that right? You know that if you ever loose me....you will still always have me?" Jenna looks confused "Tyler I wont loose you though? You wont loose me either? All we have is each other, we have to stick together!" A tear rolls down my cheek and I try to smile "I know babe....just I love you." Jenna rubs her hand gently across my cheek "I love you too babe." I sit back and eat my toast and coffee that Jenna has made me.

"Tyler?" I hear Jenna shout from the bathroom, I'm gonna go out for like literally two hours, will you be okay on your own? Like are you stable enough?" I walk through and grab Jenna's waist from behind she jumps and laughs. "Of course babe." I try to look strong for her....us. We both look at each other in the mirror were Jenna was doing her makeup and I'm still cuddling her from behind, she runs her hand onto my neck and places it on the back of my neck, Jenna kisses my neck gently and I bite my lip so I don't groan. I am standing at the door in my boxers and black t-shirt. I give Jenna a kiss and tell her how much I love her and we both cry a little and she leaves....I don't know where too but she is going somewere and she says I'll find out later?

I'm sitting back up in bed blaring Green Day through my speaker feeling sorry for myself and drinking coffee...tons of coffee.
I sit back as Green Day bounces through my house, I think about my life again? I think about what my purpose is and why am I alive, what purpose do I serve? Then I overthink and that leads me to think about Blurry? He hasn't bothered me in a while? Has he took my advice to leave me alone? Did he go away? Did he set me free? I stop overthinkong befoe things go bad but I don't stop thinking. I start to remember little details that make me cry, I think about how I could have made things better with my mum and how I should have been there for her more. Then I kick myself because I know Josh would be angry, he doesn't want me blaming myself. I walk around the house with a cup of coffee in my hands thinking. The music is off now and everything is silent. Silent is vioelnt. I try to make noise and talk but I sound crazy having conversations with myself? I slump down on the kitchen floor and sulk, it's been roughly an hour now and if I am gonna do this then I gotta get it done. I have thought this through out and it doesn't scare me anymore. I stand up and breathe. I go upstairs and look for some paper and a pen, I slump myself back onto the kitchen floor and begin writting;

"Jenna,
I love you. I am only writting to you because you are all that I have left. That's kinda the reason that I am writting this but I don't wanna do this anymore, I will always love you and I know all you have done is care for me but I got to finally be at peace. I won't have to worry about Blurry, I won't over think? I won't have these feelings and urges anymore. I can finally be at peace. I don't want you to cry because then I will have made you unhappy but please understand that this was my last choice but it's all that I could come down too. I love you so much and you are an amazing girl and I know you will help a lot of people one day! I love you Jen, I love you so much."

With that I put the pen down and tears roll off my cheek and onto the paper, I put the peice of paper into an envelope titled "Jenna" I use a tear to draw a heart on the front of it, I place the letter on the unit in front of the door so she will see it as soon as she walks in. I walk into the garden and pick up and lean over into Jenna's neigbours garden, I don't know any other way to try this again so this is what I will do. I pick up a long rope that looks like it has been chewed by a dog. I enter the house again and slump back down onto the kitchen floor, I need to stop being so fucking pathetic and do this! I take a stool from underneath the kitchen table and I climb up onto it and I make a noose out of the rope and I tie it to the clothes rack thats above the Kitchen Sink. I think again and again as I tighten the rope around my neck "This is it, nobody thinks what I think? I've been searching for purpose and I haven't found anything it's all been worthless. I loose all my good things. I tighten the noose real tight and the whole world begins to slow down around me and I slowly tap the stool and I hear a thumb and a crack as it hits off the floor.