My Only One (Frerard)

Chapter 5: Stage 4 Fear of Trying

I couldn't sleep. I kept hearing Ted's yelling in the basement. He was so wasted from drinking a full bottle of vodka and a few beer cans. I hated when he got like this. I hated him no matter what. I listened for my mother's footsteps. I was worried she'd go to comfort him, whenever she did that, it never worked out for anyone. I got out of bed, deciding to stand guard just in case.

   I sat on the floor in the hall next to my door. Ted's screaming slowly faded to a stop. My mother never left the bedroom. Good. That meant she's finally fucking learning. I felt an itch for danger. I knew I should go to sleep but I just felt that itch crawling under my skin. I needed to get out. I put on a pair of jeans and my shoes then my hoodie. I went out through my window and walked. I couldn't risk turning on the car and waking anyone up.

I stepped on the wet grass with my feet bare. The droplets coated my toes. She told me to go outside at midnight. To meet her by my big tree. I sat there and waited. I didn't want to see her anymore. But I still loved her. I wanted her to hug me again and tell me I'm cute. So I listened. She drove up in her blue car. I was scared. But at the same time, I was so happy.

"Frankie.. why aren't you wearing shoes?"

"Cause I thought you just wanted to talk. Am I going somewhere?"

"We have to go off together. They're onto me."

"Who's onto you? Are we in trouble?"

"No no honey, we're not in trouble. Come with me."

She extended her arm towards me so I can hold her hand. I took it. I trusted her. She loved me and wanted me safe. I looked back at my house from the car window. It started to rain. I heard a loud noise.

I don't remember blacking out on the sidewalk. I'd been drinking all night at some pot head's party across town. Wait. I didn't black out. I looked at my aching arms. I got my ass kicked. What the fuck did I do? I felt hot tears running down my face. Why am I remembering her again? I don't want to remember. That's why I drank my ass off. It was raining, but I didn't know where I was. I sat up, feeling like I had to vomit. I couldn't think straight. Nothing's making sense. All of my thoughts were bouncing all over the place and I felt my brain getting ready to explode. I saw a figure walking over to me and fear kicked in. I got to my feet and started to run.

"Hey wait!"

I paused, looking over to the figure, still on high alert. As he got closer, I was able to see his face. Gerard.

"Frank?? What're you doing out here so late?? And so far?? You're going to freeze to death."

I stammered, I couldn't form any words let along a sentence.

"C'mere."

He pulled me to him and put his jacket over my shoulders, putting the hood up as well. He had a sweatshirt on underneath. I suddenly felt cold, I felt every shiver run through my muscles. He hugged me. He must've noticed I was crying.

"Let's go to my car. I'll take you home."

I shook my head. I didn't want to go home. I wanted to be free. I didn't want to be me anymore. I wanted to be someone like Gerard, happy and has a life going for him. I felt a lump in my throat. I haven't cried in years. So I just let go for one night and cried like there was no tomorrow.
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He gave me a pair of pajama pants. I was in his room, surprisingly for the first time. His walls were an ugly yellow that were plastered with posters of bands I loved. He had weird shit laying around, like a dead bat in some glass and figures of movie characters that should've been thrown out when he turned 12. He also had some cool knives on his desk along with comic book doodles and ideas. I looked to him. He was distracted by his cluttered desk. He knew I hated mess and I liked that he knew. I changed while he wasn't looking and I sat on the edge of his bed. I felt weird being in his room and not Mikey's. He seemed relaxed and I just wanted to hug him for being so calm. Why was I feeling this way? He broke the silence.

"I'll sleep on the floor so you can sleep on the bed and not be as sore tomorrow."

"No no, it's okay, I don't mind sharing. Honest."

"You sure? Aren't you afraid it'll make you look 'gay'?"

"Not at all. I don't care about that stuff."

I honestly want to do gay shit to you, Gerard.

"Alright. Then we'll share the bed." He smiled.

I smiled back. I laid down by the wall and waited for him to get ready. I felt my eyelids starting to stick together. He came into bed and laid down next to me. I breathed in deeply and smelt cigarettes and coffee. I felt a smile form on my face. I wanted to snuggle into him but I didn't know if he would mind. I took my chances and put my head on his shoulder "accidentally". He didn't push me off. In fact, he put his arm around me like as if he was protecting me from those tears coming back. I have a new secret now.