Things That Only Happen To Me

My Coping Method

@KityARTZ

@PeachGiggles

Okay, for the people I didn't tag for this story, I'm going to get super personal. It's going to be long, sad, sick, and depressing. So please, I'd you aren't comfortable with the subjects I just listed please stop reading.

Okay, so. I'm going to start. As PeachGiggles knows I have a weird life it's not that great by any means at all. I have my coping method though, it's humor! Who would have guess? Stupid me is depressed and has the possibly worst coping method?

It's the worst because nobody learns anything! They just think you picked up humor as a pass time! You don't have any psychical proof, so no problem...

Right?

Wrong... It's the worst because it hollows you out as person, always making a deeper hole to hide your depression. Deeper to hide it, until you can't dig any deeper and you drown. But still, nobody notices why would they?

They have no reason to. Until you're dead, until your gone with no return.

You left for no reason, they blame it on their selves. As they should, because they didn't notice. Or is it you that hasn't dropped any hints?

Day after day I have been trying to forget what doesn't just leave. "Depression is a war, you fight for your freedom or die trying." As terrible as that sounds it's true.

Like the picture at the top go to it. Those words have saved my life more times them I can remember. When my depression was at it's worse I found that quote, I found that picture. I cried, I smile for the first time in months. I started to care again. For once I felt something.

I have tried at suicide more then once, I remembered those words and before I was done setting up or grabbing a knife. I'd stop and think. I'd cry, cry, and cry. I wanted to sooo bad, but I couldn't because I learned to love people.

Love, was and is hell. Humans are hell that walk the Earth. Sometimes I just cut myself, hope I bleed to death. I can't because every molecule in my body is trying to do the opposite of what I want. I cut myself on knifes, scissors, tables, broken glass and I make it look like a stupid accident. It can be an accident though...

A stupid accident for a stupid girl, a stupid girl that wants to die but is scared to meet death. I don't like being scared but unfortunately that's all my fucking life is. A state of fear. I want to escape pain, so I wait. I unintentionally starve myself.

I look for ways to have a painless death, yet sickness isn't natural for me. It just alludes my grasp. I don't get sick and when I do I'm too scared to die. When I get sick I'm not in one of my relapses.

When I get sick...

I'm happy.

People care about me.

I eat with a smile.

I make jokes that aren't hollow.

I sleep with no problems, my insomnia is gone.

I'm bored, but I always find something to do.

I walk, I explore the world.

I feel as if I'm innocent.

Then... It all fades away. When I'm sick, I'm on drugs. I see the world differently, I see the world in a new light. A light I wish I always had. A light were everything is calm. Being thrown back into this world is like watching a war of fire, blood, and no light. It's dark. Just how I like it.

Dark like...

My thoughts.

My hopes.

My dreams.

My room.

My home.

My world.

The light hurts because it reminds me that some people don't have this problem. It hurts knowing that nobody understands.

It hurts knowing you want back into a world that never existed for you. A world nobody seems to care. A world where your morals are tested and never followed.

A world that you were born into but has no purpose other than to live and die.

That quote has honestly saved lives. I'm glad it's growing to become viral. I'm glad everybody can have a chance at life.

Interestingly enough, a while ago I learned that the best, most creative, amazing, smart people have mental illnesses. Like depression, borderline personality disorder, and others up that ally! Don't let whatever you have win! You have a life ahead of you! If you want to end it! End it when you're older and you have learned!

Die! When you understand why I care so much! Die when people say "I love you and I don't want you to leave." Die when you learn! If you know somebody thinking about suicide or wants to tell them everything I just said. And if it wants to make them kill their selves more. Then tell them if they die, they will never know what it's like to love and experience everything. I wished I lived in my fantasy world because it would be perfect. Understand if you try hard enough it's going to happen.

I know it's hard to try when nothing matters, I still think nothing matters! Just hang in there.

Okay, well this was the most emotional thing I have ever wrote. It was beautiful and terrible. I felt lots of emotions and I expect PeachGiggles to be mad at me. I don't know why though. But hey! Luna loves you and never wants to see you leave. I love you and other people will or do.