Things That Only Happen To Me

Vines and Depression

So, I fucking hate living, but that's fine because I have vines, musicals, and Japan! Now onto my story time! :3

I was sitting in the passenger seat of my Dad's car, when I saw a sigb that said "Road work ahead". I immediately said:

"Road work ahead?! I sure hope it does!"

I started giggling insanely, I have kiterally never been more proud of myself in my entire life. Though, I am a disappointment to everybody, it makes sense I've never been that proud of myself.

It took my Dad a while to get the joke and when he got it I was coming down from my giggle high. He did that thing where you understand a joke and is like "that's kinda funny".

Another thing about today, I woke when I supposed to for a once. I'm pretty sure I heard my parents talking about me again. It kind of went like:

"Blah blah blah"

"Blah blah she's amazing but she doesn't sleep"

And I thought to myself, thinking, "This is not the worst thing they've said about who I'm assuming is me."

And I don't understand why my parents expect me to pass classes with flying colors. I'll bluntly say, "I'm an idiot by social standards. I will never be able to be what anybody wants me to be."

I'm pretty sure my parents are expecting me to be a mini them, but I say I lack in the good genes from the family. I don't have the will to go through with plans, because they usually backfire. I have issues handling that kind of stress or any stress in general.

I don't see why they can't be satisfied with who I am. I am mediocre, maybe even slightly below. Anything I've ever been "good at" are things that people tell me to do and exactly how to do it. My parents and teachers call it a skill, I call it being lazy.

"Don't worry, depression is just a hormone thing"
-BS, I've been depressed long before puberty. I hate it when people say this because they assume it's just because I'm a teenager. It not! It never has been, hey! I have an idea! How about instead of linking the internet to depression scientists link humans to human issues. You know like the pressure to get a job, get good grades, be a "perfect" person. I can assure you all human problems relate to money and status.

"You're so good at drawing"
-Umm... No, I'm not. I'm good at copying other people' styles

"You're good at singing"
-So, is the majority of the world

"You're smart"
-Then you must be an idiot to think I'M smart

"You're beautiful"
-I'd rather kill myself then look in a mirror. I feel sick seeing my reflection.

"You're going to retest on two test tomorrow"
-Umm... There' a reason I failed the first time, it' because I'm dumb. So, I guess I'll just wear a sweater and get heat stroke before I have to retest. Let me tell ya' death is much less painful than the crippling anxiety before and during retesting.

Depression is dumb, because I can't tell if I'm getting "better" or not. I don't feel sad or lonely, I just really, REALLY want to die. I feel physically sick when I think about my grades. Maybe I'll just start purging to sooth the unsettled feeling in my stomach.

To my parents, who might read this. I won't remember any of this tomorrow. I never remember anything "important" you should know this by now.

So, now I'm studying for an anxiety bomb... Two anxiety bombs! While listening to Bo Burnham's "Kill Yourself". It's really inspirational, making my life into a joke with a great life lesson.

"Suicide is an epidemic" It's a great way to expose an audience that has never experienced true depression.

Love,
Luna <3