Things That Only Happen To Me

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This is the only place I can think of where people won't immediately shot me down. I don't want to talk to my friends about this, they'll worry. I don't want to tell my family, they'll just blame it on my friends. I'd tell my therapist but it's currently 10:24 and it would be weird to call her at this late. She has a life too.

Today was originally a good day. I was playing BOTW, I went to horseback riding lessons, I saw a nice movie, and I was sugar high for a while.

Up until a group chat I'm apart of mentioned the word "rape" I was doing fine. It my fault for bringing it up in the first place, one of my friends was in a bad mood. School is an ass to him and he's insecure enough as it is.

He felt backed into a corner and expressed an opinion in the most hurtful(to me) way possible. I'm probably his main support and I just kind of broke. I'm attempting to recover from a panic attack right now, but I'm still feeling it.

I'm going to justify myself so I don't feel like a huge asshole looking back. The hurtful part of the quote was " stupid fucking slut nigger faggot cunt bitch who mollests". He was trying to make a point saying that these words only have the power you give them and I want to agree but just because words shouldn't have power doesn't mean they don't.

"stupid fucking slut" hurts me. I've been slut shamed just for appearing female and I'm victim shaming myself enough as it is. I was molested when I was really young, it really fucked me up.

I felt weak as a woman, so during my early life I was an asshole so that nobody could touch me ever again. I tried to repel people, I still do. Anybody I meet that could potentially overpower me I act like an ass to scare them away. I never told my Mom this, so she just thinks I'm a bitch(probably).

"faggot" I hate this word with more than I could ever discribe. If I wasn't born into a queer supporting family I would have either killed myself or be homophobic and faking my sexuality. I wouldn't have my friends, this word was only ever used once at me. I was on a Minecraft server as a nine year old, a person got mad at me for saying "stop throwing me off the cliff".

"nigger" another word on my hate list. Why would I even need to explain why I hate this word? We're all human, we all have feelings.

My shaking has finally stopped, so I guess I'll be fine for now. Thank you for coming to my TED talk. My name is Lunaria Eclipse and you've been reading my anxiety and deepest darkest secrets!

A/n: I love you Dillan