Things That Only Happen To Me

Religion

Please don't unfollow me if I say something that offends you. I'm just confused. Dark tuff about me. BTW profanity.

So I was talking you my Cristian friend she was telling me about how same sex couples are wrong, that woman come from men. I was just listening and I felt sick to my stomach. Not because I disagreed that much, I was just confused and my mind was put into overdrive. I used to believe in a higher source of power, a creator, a God. When I just pulled out of my bubble of childish ignorance. I stopped believing.

Talking about it makes me sick, because if we had a God then he or she is the biggest sadist to ever live. Then I remember population control, for every person that dies there are five babies being born. There is a person dying every second of the day. Some of those deaths are self inflicted though. The world is trying to balance us out, the only "natural" predator that humans have are other humans. Ones that have giving up on life, ones with broken minds, ones with a religion. The worst example of humans with a religion is Queen Mary. She believed in God and that people with different religion would be defectors and kill them. My heart is beating really fast right now...

If it makes any sense I'm scared of being like her. I've already had a fucked up dream about killing a population because I was being told by myself that they're not worth life. So I killed them, I cried in my dream. I woke up right before I killed somebody I hold dear to me. When I woke up I was crying and running. I was running from my problems without knowing it. Whenever something happens I see it as population control. Abortion, miscarriages, suicide, and murder sprees. When I joke about my heart being cold I don't know if I'm kidding or not. I feel nothing when I hear. My body wants to cry, I want to cry. I just can't, I just laugh it off.

I'm scared. The song 'Nightmare' from the band 'Set it off', I had an immediate connection to it mentally.

"I created a monster, a beast inside my brain," I stopped seeing this song as something fun and I listened. I was shaking a bit.

"I collapse to the floor and scream:
"Can anybody save me from myself?" I felt this song. I don't know if this is actually how the song writer feels but it's how I feel about myself. I'm scared again, scared that somebody will get hurt trying to help me. I'm already unstable about my depression, I can't even tell the truth to myself. I know I'm depressed, I know other people that are depressed. People that cut themselves, I'm so weak I can't even pick up a sharp object.

"I've nowhere to go, I'm out on my own," I lie to everybody so nobody can help me. I can't even keep a threat without remembering I can't die, I don't deserve death.

"I created a monster, a hell within my head," Sick I'm sick all of the time. I'm weak in every way, I'm weak mentally and physically, emotionally? No, I don't even know if I have most of them. I write a girl in a role-play. She is insecure and scared, she's training herself to be strong. She can't do it, she get murderous when she can't control herself. She remembers all of it though she has a heart. She can't use it unless it's with her Senpai. She created another version of herself trying to get rid of everything she hated about her self, it's just a mirror.

I was talking to another friend. She was talking about a person from YouTube or something. Anyway the character she was talking about is a girl that is depressed but she loves herself. So she doesn't want yo get help because it changes people. She said I am like her then I said:

"I don't want help. I hate myself. I don't want people to care about me." She jut kept that smile she always has and continued walking with me. I felt more dead inside then usual.

Wanna hear some fucked up shit?

13 reasons why...

1. When I was young I was sexually abused in my own home. I was too scared to say anything. He doesn't remember anything, I remember everything.

2. Bullying. I;m made fun of for my name. I hate my own identity, there is another girl with my name. I wish people would talk to me, but instead they speak with her. I feel invisible.

3. I hate humanity, humans are stupid, selfish, destroyers, believe they are the power that was "God's" child, they kill for fun, they make weapons humans only see them as toys, only see each other as toys, take lives like some stupid video game, and they feel like they power over the other.

4. Everything dies anyway, it just makes sure I suffer less when I do

5. What is life without love? Mine. Feelings are hard for me to come by, I think fear is sadness. I can see other's emotions, but mine just confuse me more.

6. I'm too weak to do anything about my depression, all I can do is lie. No cuts, no words of truth. I'm going to try to be honest...

7. It wouldn't be the first time I thought of suicide

8. I hate humans... Did I already see that? No, I said I hate humanity. Two different-ish things.

9. I have aphenphosmphobia- Fear of being touched. I don't like being touched by people unless I know for sure they aren't going to hurt me.

10. I have Athazagoraphobia- Fear of being forgotten or ignored or forgetting. I have trust issues and this is just more proof of it. When I trust, I trust unconditionally so when I get ignored I feel betrayed and useless.

11. I have cholerophobia- Fear of anger or the fear of cholera. I'm afraid of hurting people in a fit of rage. I'm a girl there is not fairness in the world so I can get away with abuse. I don't want that.

12. I have didaskaleinophobia- Fear of going to school. I'm always scared somebody is going to break my arm or crack my skull. But I enjoy the feeling of being scared, I want to feel the adrenaline rushing through my arteries when it's either fight or flight.

13. I have ecclesiophobia- Fear of church. There have been many bad things that have happened to me. If there is a God why am I the one who suffers? Why are there people that suffer. I stopped believing in a great being of power and life. Sacrifice is what made him happy, that's all Jesus was,  sacrifice. If there is a good he or she is an absolute sadist. Even me... I should have no say about how another person feels but if we do have a God he/she hates humans just as much as I do and I'm pretty sure I'm in love.