Darkness Surrounding (Synyster Gates Book 1)

healed your broken heart with all that i could

*Matt's POV*

Brian was home for two days now, since Michelle took his house he was living with Val and me now. I still couldn't believe that after seven long and painful months I've got my best friend back.

But...

I don't know what happened to him in jail, Brian doesn't talk about it, but it broke him deep down inside. Val is trying hardly to make him gain some weight, but he's refusing almost every kind of food. Yesterday I found him over the sink throwing up his dinner, and it really hurt me seeing him like that. Right now, he was in his room, trying to sleep. I was going to go to him in a few, I couldn't let him sleep alone. Brian was having nightmares, woke up crying and completely wasted. I could do nothing but holding him until he calms down a bit, but he wouldn't talk about it.

"You're staying with Brian tonight, aren't you? Val asked, hugging me from the back.

"I'm sorry babe, but yes I think so", I sighed.

"Don't be sorry Matt! He needs you! I want you to stay with him, he being alone after a nightmare would be too dangerous! Now go upstairs."
I kissed her goodnight and went to Brian's room, he was rolling in his bed, sweating and breathing heavily. I sat down on his bed and grabbed his shoulders softly.

"Brian? Hey, Bri! Wake up!"

But he didn't listen to me, beat me away and started screaming to let go of him.

With some more power, I grabbed him again, softly hit his cheek and spoke to him louder.

"Brian! Come on wake up! It's just a dream!"

Finally, he opened his eyes, but in there was pure fear and pain.

"Matt...what...", he started, but I immediately put him close.

"Don't say a word, it's okay...it was just a dream..."

He grabbed my shirt and silently cried into it.

"I can't, get it out of my head...", he whispered.

Slowly stroking his back up and down, I tried to calm him down.

"Brian, if you want to talk about it, I'm here..."
He shook his head first, but then he started to talk...

*Brian's POV*

"Nobody there believed me, to them, I was a murderer, a rapist...and a depressive faggot..."

Matt didn't say a word, he just held me tight and let me speak.

"The first days were okay, hard but okay. I missed you all, the work was hard and in the evenings I thought about Jimmy. After a week or two, they started to hit me, if I didn't work fast enough or didn't make my bed properly. In the shower, everybody could see my bruises, they started to laugh and asked me, if I wanted to be their whore for one night..."

My voice broke and I grabbed Matt's arm, just to have something to hold on.

"The dreams started, in my dreams I raped and killed Michelle or Jimmy came and told me, that it had been my fault he died. I wasn't allowed to see you guys, I heard voices in my head and I went completely crazy. I stopped eating, the others mocked about me being so skinny and started to touch me in the shower and hit me, if I tried to keep them away."

Matt gently rubbed my back and softly whispered:

"It was all too much for you to take, right?"

I nodded.

"I'm ashamed for trying to kill myself and a part of me is ashamed of me not having succeed. But to me, there was no way out. They found me, put me in the hospital section for two weeks, I had therapy. Therapy meant, telling me, that there is no way out and that I have to live with the consequences for what I've done."

So far, I was surprised of how easily I could tell my story to Matt. It felt like freeing of a heavy backpack.

"When I came back to the normal section, I was the freak. Officers came to me four times a week, I had to take thousands of pills and work double time to keep me away from having suicidal thoughts. Since I wasn't hungry at all, I had no power to work that hard, received many hits and broke down several times. The laughter got more and more and so did the bruises on my body. Jimmy kept coming to me in my dreams and all I wanted was being with him and my unborn child..."

Now, the tears started flooding again, but I felt Matt's strong arms around me, keeping me from falling.

"If you want to stop telling me all of that, you always can."

"No, I have to do this, Matt.", I said, trying to catch my breath to move on.

"I felt like I stopped living and started surviving. I didn't feel anything at all, no pain and no emotions. They didn't care that I threw up everything I ate, that I cut myself and that the other prisoners kept on beating the hell out of me. Only as one of them tried to...rape...me, the officers stopped him. After six months, I was finally allowed to see someone and you can't imagine how it felt seeing you and Kensie. For 15 minutes, my life had a reason again, but in the evening, I thought what a bad brother I was and how I disappointed my friends...over the day, I was more dead than alive. But in the evenings, all emotions, and feelings, the fear, the guilt and the depressions came back even stronger."

My voice finally broke, I couldn't continue anymore and I just grabbed Matt's shirt, pulling him as tight as possible. I was afraid of him letting me go, letting me fall.

"Brian", he whispered, "you survived that hell, and I'm so proud of you. You kept fighting as you did after Jimmy left us."
I whimpered, thinking of my soul brother in heaven.

"You made it out, it was never your fault and you don't have to feel any guilt. You're here with us now, and we're here for you. We won't let you fall, if you do, we'll catch you. Bri, I'm just so happy to have you back here. After they called us and told me, that you tried to take your life...I broke down. I thought, I'd lose another brother, I thought, I'd never see you again. And I need you so bad..."

Matt held me to his chest and rubbed my back gently.

"We made it", I whispered.

I looked up and saw the tears in Matt's eyes.

"You made it!", he said

We hugged each other for a while and I started to feeling better. I wasn't quite sure, if I ever would be able to tell that story to anyone again, but speaking to Matt helped me so much this night.
"Do you think, you can go back to sleep?", he asked.

"You're staying?"

He nodded.

"I won't ever let you alone."

I smiled and we laid down more comfortable before I placed my head on his chest.
"Are you okay with that?", I asked him.

"Sure", he said and put his arms around me.

And to the sound of his beating heart, I fell asleep peacefully. The first time in almost seven months.

0mY