don't speak.

chapter seven

I closed the journal and breathed in short, shallow breathes, still digging one nail under the bed of the other in fear of slipping back into another episode. They happened so often now, and it was always a spectacle when they did. Whether it was me yelling at my closest friends of flailing to the ground during a passing period – it was no secret that I was a freak.

"Maya are you almost ready to go?" My mom yelled from the kitchen. I looked down at the duffle bag I had at the foot of my bed. I'd tried so hard to get out of this, I pretended to be sick, I said I had too much homework but nothing worked. Riley and I had planned this sleepover months ago – and she was counting down the days to it like her father counted down to cyclone day. I said I was sick? She offered me a trash bin and about a million different types of Nyquil. I complained about homework? She got all of my teachers to extend the deadline on my assignments. There was nothing I could do to get out of this – nothing but tell the truth. And we both know I wasn't going to do that.

"I'm coming!" I shouted as a shoved a medicine bottle into my backpack. They were prescription grade sleeping pills I found in the cupboard from after my dad left and my mom had trouble sleeping. Now I was taking them, because I was the one with trouble sleeping. Every night I woke up in a sweat, after reliving what I can remember. It's like if I told you there was a spider in your room, crawling around right now, a little tingle would shoot down your spine and you wouldn't be able to shake it for a while. Just like that. But amplified. I can feel his calloused fingers move on me, move in me. It's a touch memory, and when I'm asleep I have no chance of controlling it. Not without the drugs.

I stepped out into the living room, tugging down on the strap of my duffle, it was pressing into a cut on my shoulder. Most of the bruises were faded but the deepest injuries still remained. I smiled as my mom walked towards me, and I tensed up as she went in to give me a hug. She doesn't know what happened, but she knows enough to not come near me anymore. Not after I scraped her for trying to see how my homework was going. I still feel my heart rip apart with remorse when I see the little scrape I left on her face. She put her arms down and shoved her hands into her pockets. I wanted to reach over to her and hold her, tell her that it's not her fault. But all I did was run my hand through my hair and bounce on the balls of my feet.

"So can we go?" I asked, gesturing towards the door. She smiled in a way that was almost a grimace, and nodded towards the door.

The entire car ride was silent agony. My words were always missing when I needed them the most. My voice as trapped as I was. And you can't escape yourself. My hand flinched to reach out to my mom, but it stayed in my lap. My head moved with the intention of sparking conversation, but it slinked back to looking out the window and watching as my breath fogged up the glass. It was as though every time I made a command to myself someone was in my brain overriding it. When we pulled up to Riley's I went to kiss her on the cheek, say goodbye, say I love you, but I just turned and rushed out of the car.

The fresh air felt nice, and the only thing that would make the sensation any better was if I weren't experiencing it in my own body. If I could just peel away the scrapped up and deteriorating shell I was encased in and finally be rid of myself. But I couldn't. I could never be free of myself.

Instead of dwelling on this I sulked up the steps to the door, where Riley buzzed me in. Today I took the elevator, today I went inside. Because today I didn't feel like carrying myself up the steps of the fire escape to crouch through a window. At least not with this duffle.

I held my breath as I knocked on the door, anticipating the worst. I was pleasantly surprised when Smackle opened the door to me, and I let out a sigh of relief. There were many things I still had to worry about – but a hug from Isadora was not one of them. I set my stuff down in the living room, where we'd all spend the rest of the night watching movies, playing games, and gossiping. Riley's three favourite things.

"Peaches!" Riley squealed, but I swear I could see disappointment in her eyes. Every step she took towards me I took two steps back, and the smile fell from her face. I wanted to be the right person for her, I wanted to tape myself together so I could be the one who made her smile again. But I couldn't. I still can't.

We all settled down on the couch watching some flick, after all we couldn't gossip if I was the center of all of the negative attention at school. Maya the slut. Easy Maya. Hussy, hooker, harlot – you name it, I've been called it. Riley picked a horror film, even though I'd told her not to. I told her that she'd get scared and we'd all end up paying the price for it, and I hate when I'm right.

A jump scare startled all of us and, as a reflex, Riley reached out to me. Her skin brushed against mine and I couldn't take it. I shot up and bolted into the bathroom, locking myself in as I crumpled to the floor taking in short, sharp breaths.

"Maya are you okay?" Riley banged on the door. I went to tell her to sod off, to say I was fine, but once again my body betrayed me. A high pitched whining sound escaped my mouth as I clutched onto the bathroom rug, "Maya open the door." Riley pleaded but I couldn't, I couldn't move. I could barely breathe.

"Maya!" Riley cried, shaking the door handle.

"Please..." I croaked out in barely a whisper. "Riley go away." I heard her slide down the door, and she slid as much of her hand as she could underneath the door.

"Maya I'm not going to leave you." She argued, and I knew there was no way I could get her to leave. Slowly, I moved my way over to her and I grabbed hold of her hand. I exhaled slowly, but it was strange, holding Riley's hand didn't send me deeper into a panic, it pulled me out of it.

After a few minutes I peeled myself off of the bathroom floor and opened up the door. Riley smiled up and me and I crossed my arms over my chest.

"Do you think we can just go to bed?" I asked, avoiding eye contact. Riley smiled,

"Of course."